The Curious Case of the 'Concocted' Confession

Imagine my surprise when Monday night I saw a news item on Geo which began with the anchors heaping scorn on the Indian media for following in the footsteps of the English media in trying to 'unfairly attack' Pakistani cricketers. According to Geo, Indian media had "fabricated" a new story about Pakistan cricket and was now claiming that Mohammad Amir, Pakistan's teenage fast-bowling sensation implicated in the recent spot-fixing scandal and subsequently suspended by the International Cricket Council (ICC) pending investigations, had accepted his involvement in the scandal and blamed former captain Salman Butt (also suspended) for leading him astray. The Geo report questioned the credibility of the "Indian media" report that Amir might, in fact, turn approver against Butt by showing footage of Amir moving around with Butt after his return to Pakistan and commented that the footage of their chumminess contradicted the claims by the Indian media.

Here's the story as it appeared in the evening's 9 o' clock news. Watch from 05:42.





So why was I surprised? Because I had read the news item the Geo report was snarkily referring to and condemning, and it was no Indian media where I had read it. In fact, it was an exclusive report on Sunday in Geo's sister Jang Group concern, The News. This is what The News' credible sports reporter Khalid Hussain had published a day earlier:

"Just a couple of days after ‘spot-fixing’ allegations were levelled at him and two other Pakistan players, a teary-eyed Mohammad Amir went to the team management and spilled the beans on Salman Butt — Pakistan’s Test captain. Sources told ‘The News’ on Saturday that the 18-year-old fast bowler told team manager Yawar Saeed and Shahid Afridi, Pakistan’s one-day captain, that he was innocent and just got involved in the scandal because of Salman Butt.

According to the sources, some of Pakistan’s senior players saw Amir meeting with Afridi. The allrounder later took the youngster to Yawar Saeed and three discussed the issue for some time at the team hotel. “Amir told the team management that he wasn’t aware of the gravity of the situation and also claimed that he just followed Butt’s instructions,” said a well-placed source.

…

Sources said that Amir told Afridi and Yawar that he didn’t even know Mazhar Majeed and was introduced to him by Salman Butt. “Amir told Afridi as well as the team manager that he was completely unaware of what was going on. He asked them to help him get out of the mess,” said the source."

Why on earth would Geo pretend it was an Indian media report? And why would they attack and undercut their own group's newspaper report? Was this some bizarre decision to spin a damaging report (and if so, on whose prompting)? Or did it mean that nobody at Geo bothers to read even their own group's newspapers?

The sarcastic report continued to be broadcast all evening and soon other channels - such as Express - also picked up the thread and joined in. The next morning, Geo Super in its own sports headlines too began to attack Indian media for its biases and even showed the offending report in the Times of India (TOI, incidentally, the Jang Group's partner in the floundering Amn Ki Asha project).

A screen-grab of the Times of India report

The TOI report is actually a Press Trust of India (PTI) wire agency report. And then the penny dropped for me (only partially though, as you will see later). Illiterate oafs that Geo sports editors are, I surmised, they had obviously either not read Khalid Hussain's exclusive or failed to connect the fact that the PTI report was probably simply picking up the report in The News.

But there was a problem: even though the PTI report was obviously written more than 12 hours a day after Hussain's report was published, there were some discrepancies between the two reports. For one, the PTI report never cited The News' report as its source and, in fact, claimed slightly different 'facts' regarding Amir's alleged confession. In particular, the PTI report claimed Amir had confessed to Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) Chairman Ijaz Butt rather than one-day team captain Shahid Afridi and manager Yawar Saeed, as Hussain had written.

Here is the original PTI wire report with all its header info intact (which a source has kindly provided us):

SPORT-LD AAMIR(RPT)

Aamir's shocker: Butt lured me into spot-fixing, Saeed resigns

     Karachi, Sep 27 (PTI) Barely five days after the end of their scandal-hit tour of England, fresh turmoil today gripped the Pakistan cricket team with suspended pacer Mohammad Aamir's shocking revelation that he was lured into spot-fixing by Test skipper Salman Butt.

     On a day when team manager Yawar Saeed stepped down from his post, the Pakistan Cricket Board was left to do more firefighting in the spot-fixing scandal with the latest revelation.

     The 18-year-old left-arm pacer was suspended by the ICC for his alleged involvement in spot-fixing during the fourth Test against England at Lord's last month, along with Butt and Mohammad Asif.

     Sources in the PCB said Aamir had told chairman Ijaz Butt that he never wanted to be part of this "business" (spot fixing) but was forced into it by Butt and Asif.

     "Aamir had gone to Butt and claimed he was innocent and a victim of the "seniors power lobby" in the team," a source told PTI.

     But the PCB refuted the reports with legal adviser Tafazzul Rizvi saying that the implicated players continue to claim innocence.

     "All three boys have been saying all along that they did not do anything wrong and they stand by it. They claim innocence and complete innocence and nothing but innocence. We are holding our investigations back at the moment and we are waiting for the Scotland Yard's investigation report," he said.

     Another source revealed that Aamir, regarded as one of Pakistan cricket's most promising young talent, had told Saeed about the pressure being exerted on him by Butt.

     "Aamir's claim is that he just did what he was told to do. He is claiming innocence now and says he didn't even know Mazhar Majeed was introduced to him by Butt and Asif," the source said.

     Quite a few former Test captains, and even Pakistan's former President, Pervez Musharraf, have urged the ICC to show leniency towards Aamir, all of 18 and the quickest to take 50 wickets in Test cricket.

     But chief selector Mohsin Khan said that he didn't agree with the viewpoint that Aamir should be shown leniency because of his age.

     "I don't buy this argument because if you can do something wrong at 18, you can keep on doing it later as well. If these three players are found guilty they should be punished, including Aamir," Mohsin said.

     The chief selector insisted that no cricketer was indispensable and there should be no compromise on discipline and commitment towards your team and country.

     "Aamir must be punished if he is guilty. I just hope that that these three are eventually cleared because they have already damaged the reputation of Pakistan cricket and the country," Mohsin said. PTI CORR AH PM MRM PDS

09271847

First of all, note that the report was filed in the evening of September 27th (at 1847 hours, as evidenced from the filing time at the bottom), whereas Hussain's story was obviously written on September 26th 25th for it to be published on the morning of September 27th 26th. Mighty strange that a supposed exclusive appears on the wires more than a full day after an exclusive on the same exact subject appears in the national papers. Generally, wire agencies will not carry such a story as an exclusive if the news has already been broken earlier.

Secondly, note that whereas Khalid Hussain's piece cites specifics of Amir's confession, the PTI story does not and only cites "PCB sources", one of whom (the legal counsel) actually completely contradicts the assertions. As it is, the only possible sources of Hussain's story, as is obvious from the specifics of the report itself, could be only either Amir, Shahid Afridi or Yawar Saeed, which give it far more credibility. Our sources confirm that Hussain's source was, in fact, Afridi himself. The PTI story, on the other hand, seems to have been an unethical plagiarism of Hussain's story, further embellished and distorted to seem like an original piece of reporting.

But it gets far more interesting. Please note that the dateline on the PTI story is Karachi. That is to say, this report was not "concocted" in India, but rather written / "concocted" by PTI's correspondent in Karachi. So a Pakistani journalist actually wrote the PTI story but yet Geo attacked the Indian media for making up stories about Pakistan cricket. That's not the end of the bizarreness. According to our extremely well-informed sources, guess who moonlights as the PTI's sports correspondent in Karachi? The venerable sports reporter Waheed Khan, that's who.

 Waheed Khan on a Geo Super programme

Waheed Khan was not only Karachi sports editor Khalid Hussain's predecessor at The News but is also currently a senior staffer at Geo Super and apparently responsible for the content of Geo Super's bulletins. (Incidentally, Khan also covers sports for Reuters but the story never ran on that wire agency.) He is one of the 'big guns' of sports journalism in Pakistan and has done some stellar reporting work in the past, especially during the match-fixing saga of the 1990s. It seems, however, that this time his professional jealousy at Hussain's exclusive seems to have got the better of him. According to sources, he and Hussain are not on the best of terms either, mainly because Khan has been attempting to get a foothold again at The News as well, which would impact Hussain's position.

So, in effect, a Jang Group staffer first (surreptitiously) put out an "exclusive" that, in all probability, was simply an embellishment on another Jang Group staffer's real exclusive (even if it was not, it wasn't an exclusive by any stretch of the imagination since it had been beaten to the finish line by more than 24 hours). And when that faux exclusive was picked up in the most roundabout way by his own Jang Group organization (which obviously does not bother to read Jang Group newspapers), he helped or at least supervised its on-air demolition on Jang Group channels as an example of a fabricated story by Indian sources.

If that doesn't make your head spin, I don't know what will.

Gutted!

Long-time readers of this blog would know that it's been a while since I last posted anything about cricket. In fact, my last cricket-related post was all the way back in May, which was right after the leakage of the inquiry committee hearings into our humiliating tour of Australia, and even that was about the alleged hygiene of the cricketers. Simply, I saw no point in endlessly moaning and whining about their abysmal failures as sportsmen and the even more abysmal state of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB)'s management.

But how on earth could I possibly ignore what has now happened? It has shaken most of Pakistan, and perhaps the entire cricketing world, to its core.

(Just in case, highly unlikely, that you are reading this from a different planet, here is what happened. And here. And here. And here. I don't have the stomach to repeat it.)

Mazhar Majeed: Mr Fix-it-All (source: NOTW)

But what can one really say any more that has not already been said? Two of the most comprehensive and well-written Pakistani responses by Five Rupees and Dawn blogger Farooq Nomani have probably said it all. Nomani's piece's title actually says it all: "How Low?" Seriously, the only response I really want to make, is the response I made when I first became aware of the story as it broke: Fuck them, fuck them all. Apologies for the crudeness, but there is simply no other way to convey the feeling one has having once again placed one's hopes and faith in someone, after having been burnt and let down before, only to again see the futility of it all. This was supposed to be the side that one was supporting through its dark times because it was in the process of rebuilding with young blood!

Green with Greed: (L-R) Asif, Butt, Amir, Akmal (source: NOTW)

I mean, if the worst flood devastation in our history were not bad enough, if millions of people without shelter and food and clothing were not bad enough, if the prospect of the country going economically under were not bad enough, if the barbaric mob violence and apathy in Sialkot were not bad enough, if the continued brutal 'target killing' of poor labourers and political activists in Karachi were not bad enough, if the continuing alienation of the Baloch were not bad enough, if the Taliban atrocities in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa and the global war being fought in the Tribal Areas were not bad enough, if the terrorist attacks all over Pakistan were not bad enough, if the abuse and massacre of our religious minorities were not bad enough, if the apathy of our elite and establishment were not bad enough, we have to contend with this petty and shameless greed rubbed in our face as well?

Can we get a fucking break?

Incidentally, for those who are spinning this as a concocted ploy by the English press always out to 'get us' or holding out hope that there is no conclusive legal proof to convict 'our boys', I have just one thing to say to you: get your heads out of your asses. People in the know and even sports journalists were talking about Kamran Akmal and others being on the take for quite a while now - hell, during the Edgbaston Test one former cricketer even made similarly correct predictions about upcoming overs as detailed in the sting operation by The News of the World now, based, he said, on 'rumours' he had heard - the only difference was nobody had this kind of proof. And nobody was willing to bell the cat.

You know the old saying about chickens coming home to roost? That's what has happened to us. In every single awful thing that has happened to Pakistan recently that I have mentioned above. In this particular case, as Five Rupees puts it:

"I would argue that one of the main reasons we find ourselves in this mess is that we didn’t take care of business when we should have, in the mid and late 1990s. Everybody else did. The Saffies banned Cronje, and took stern action against everyone else (Herschelle Gibbs was banned temporarily for the mere fact of not disclosing that his captain had asked him to partake). The Aussies punished Shane Warne and Mark Waugh for disclosing weather information. The Indians banned Azharuddin and Jadeja. What did we do? We swept everything under the carpet. Only Salim Malik was banned, and really, his career was over anyway. Everyone else involved, including guys like Wasim Akram, were given light punishments, mere slaps on the wrist, despite overwhelming evidence against them (Ata-ur-Rehman wrote a sworn affidavit in which he alleged that Wasim asked him to bowl badly). Why did we do this? Simple, because we were afraid of what it would do to our cricket team. Rightfully so, I might add, since everyone from Wasim to Waqar to Inzi to Mushie was involved, in some way. But we took the shortcut then, and are paying for it now, because by not punishing it, we encouraged it."

Catch Them Young: Fixer Majeed hands over jacket with cash to Wahab Riaz, left, while Umar Amin looks on (source: NOTW)

There are bound to be questions raised about how the team selection may also have been manipulated to ensure the 'right kinds' of people in the team. Why for example had the Pakistan team become mainly a Central Punjab XI, why were certain undeserving players like Wahab Riaz (also implicated in this scandal) brought into the team above more deserving bowlers, why Afridi actually walked out of the captaincy (according to the alleged fixer Majeed, most of the players "wanted to f*** up Afridi because he's trying to f*** up things for them"), why there was such a haste to send the new wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider home (a report today in Jang claims that not only was he not given the customary 'test cap' he was handed a ticket back as soon as he came out of the clinic even though he had he had been hopeful he would be all right in a few days), why perennial keeper-in-reserve Sarfaraz Ahmed was not called up even if Haider had to be sent home, and why certain players like Fawad Alam continued to be kept out of the playing eleven.

But let's not kid ourselves that the current sorry lot at the PCB would ever be willing to tackle these questions or take the drastic structural actions required. They are part of the problem, not the solution. And no change can come about unless you recognize how deep the rot runs.

The worst part is not even that all of this shit is happening to Pakistan. The worst part is we steadfastly refuse to learn from our own history.

And If You Thought Shoaib's Warts Were Disgusting...

I could not imagine waking up to more disgusting news on the front pages of the morning papers.

According to the scoop in Dawn today (citing a report leaked to DawnNews), we hear for the first time what various coaches and managers actually said to the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) investigating committee about the team and its abysmal failure Down Under last season.

Not only does tour coach and former skipper Intikhab Alam refer to his charges as "mentally retarded people" who "don't know how to wear their clothes and talk in a civilised manner" nor "know that they are representing their country", but:

"And not content with his criticism of how they appeared in public, Alam cited the team’s Sri Lankan physiotherapist to report on the innovative ways adopted by Pakistani players in spaces where they should have been left alone. The leaks of the statements before the inquiry committee suffer on account of bad transcription but what the veteran Pakistani national trainer appeared to be upset that his wards were not ‘toilet-trained’."

Ewwwww. Imagination goes wild. The mind boggles. The stomach churns. The gag reflex kicks in.

One never realized what else Saeed Ajmal and others might have been 'dropping' when all those catches were going down at the T20 World Cup match against England two days ago. No wonder Shahid Afridi was so 'pissed off.' And it does add a whole new meaning to the Pakistan team 'shitting bricks' against Australia. Quite apt, then, that this report should have been 'leaked', wouldn't you say?

Yousuf in the Confessional

If you haven't already, you must read this report about an extremely frank interview with Mohammad Yousuf (that apparently aired yesterday on some television channel) and in which he lays directly into Umar Akmal, Shoaib Malik and an unnamed player. I don't know which channel this was, if anyone knows please let us know, particularly if there's a weblink to the interview.

Some choice excerpts of what Yousuf said:

On PCB Chairman Ejaz Butt announcing midway through tour that he would be replaced as skipper:

“I don't know when the statement was made, but when it was, suddenly everyone in the team changed. Six or seven players started to see themselves as captains all of a sudden. At the start of the tour in New Zealand, the players were cooperating with me, but as the tour went on I felt they weren't because they knew I wouldn't be captain in the next series.”

On Umar Akmal's mysterious "stiff back":

“Umar was fine as far as I knew. What happened in his room and how he got a stiff back all of a sudden was a surprise to me. He miraculously recovered as soon as we told him that he would be going home.”

On Shoaib Malik as a possible captain:

“We all know what he’s good at, certainly not captaincy.”

On the most problematic player in the team:

“There is one player in the team who is disturbing team unity and other players. I spoke to coach Intikhab Alam and other management about it and they agreed with me," Yousuf said. “I will only disclose his name to the chairman of the board, Ijaz Butt.”

“Intikhab Alam (coach), Abdur Raqeeb (manager) and [Shahid] Afridi know who the player is and we discussed it as well several times,” Yousuf added.

“During the New Zealand tour and onwards Intikhab was telling me to be wary of him, but I wanted to see for myself. I saw in Australia how his body language was and we dropped him from the Tests. We decided in Australia during a meeting that we had to do something about him.”

Hmmmm. An intriguer who Yousuf does not like and who did not play in the Tests. One guess who this one is.

Kaminey!

Am(a)n Ki Asha, my ass. After seeing what happened with the Pakistani players in the Indian Premier League (IPL) auction today, rather than the Gulzar-penned, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan-sung "Sur Bulaatay Hain", here's what the theme song for Indo-Pak relations really should be:



But let's backtrack. It would do well to remember that the Pakistan T20 team is the reigning World Champions and the #1 ranked team on the planet. Forget about proper cricket, like Test and even one-day, as far as the T20 format is concerned, we have the players everyone wants to see. Game-changing short format players like Shahid Afridi,  Umar Gul, Kamran Akmal and Rana Naveed, to say nothing of explosive upcoming talents such as Umar Akmal and Mohammad Aamer that have drawn praise from every commentator in the world. So what happens when they are put up for auction at the IPL? No bids. Nada. Not for a single one out of 11 Pakistani players up for grabs.

Shahid Afridi: "The best T20 player" not good enough for IPL

A bit strange? You think? Remember these are the same "franchises" that were falling over themselves two years ago for prima donnas like Shoaib Akhtar (Kolkata Knight Riders) and even relying heavily on workhorses like Sohail Tanveer (Rajasthan Royals). Yes, the recession has hit even the IPL and only 11 of the 66 players on offer were signed up, but compare the players on offer from Pakistan with the players actually signed up:

- Kieron Pollard (WIS) to Mumbai Indians for 750,000 dollars

- Shane Bond (NZL) to Kolkata Knight Riders for 750,000 dollars

- Kemar Roach (WIS) to Deccan Chargers for 720,000 dollars

- Wayne Parnell (RSA) to Delhi Daredevils for 610,000 dollars

- Mohammad Kaif (IND) to Kings XI Punjab for 250,000 dollars.

- Eoin Morgan (ENG) to Bangalore Royal Challengers for 220,000 dollars

- Damien Martyn (AUS) to Rajasthan Royals for 100,000 dollars

- Justin Kemp (RSA) to Chennai Super Kings for 100,000 dollars

- Thissara Perera (SRI) to Chennai Super Kings for 50,000 dollars

- Adam Voges (AUS) to Rajasthan Royals for 50,000 dollars

- Yusuf Abdulla (RSA) to Kings XI Punjab for 50,000 dollars.

Aside from three or perhaps four, the others are either retired, semi-retired, or relative unknowns. To add insult to injury, this is how IPL Slimebag-in-Chief Lalit Modi explains the lack of a single bid for Pakistani players:

"There were so many players left out in the auction and each team had its own strategy. I have no reason to believe there could be any other reason," Modi said. "Availability of the players was a key issue with the franchisees without doubt," he said.

Oh come on! Strategy? Availability? No other reason? At least admit that you told the team owners that they would pick Pakistani players at their own risk because the Indian government might not give them clearance at the last minute. I'd rather have your bigotry than your doublespeak!

Lalit Modi: slimebag extraordinaire

But here's what I really think about this whole sordid business: it may be, unintentionally, the best thing to happen to Pakistan cricket. For one, it may get our stupid, stupid cricketers mind off the money-making T20 format and let them focus on getting their cricketing basics sorted out. Secondly, it may wake up the sleeping Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) into setting its own house in order and stop relying on tournaments like IPL for reflected glory. (Wishful thinking, I know, but what's the harm in hoping for miracles?) And finally, I think the under-performing and overpaid Pakistani cricketers really do not deserve a high after their crap performances Down Under.

As for Modi and his double-speaking compatriots, I hope they get the IPL they deserve. They've probably lost out on most Australians thanks to Bal Thackeray's threats. Most of the better English players have stayed away because of other cricketing commitments. By excluding Pakistani stars in this way - a decision that is sure to haunt them politically - the IPL may well end up with viewership like any other domestic tournament. I guess Shah Rukh Khan, Preity Zinta and Shilpa Shetty will really have their work cut out for them.

The question remains, however, will Geo Super back out of broadcasting a tournament that has made Pakistanis so pissed off?


Addendum-That-Should-Have-Been-Part-of-the-Post:

Actually, this should have been part of what I wrote earlier, since it was basically why I referenced Am(a)n Ki Asha in the beginning, and I have been reminded of the need to clarify this after a comment in the responses. (What can I say? It was late and I was pissed off AND sleepy...)

Basically, what has pissed me off the most about the Indian treatment of Pakistani cricketers is precisely the fact that it has probably strengthened the hands of the hyper-nationalist nutters on both sides and that an excellent opportunity to move things along on the path to normalization of relations between India and Pakistan has been squandered. The disdainful treatment meted out to Shahid Afridi et al will reinforce the opinion in Pakistan that the Indians are out to humiliate and isolate Pakistan any which way they can and that the Indian establishment is not really serious about even rebuilding cordial relations, leave alone dealing with outstanding issues like Kashmir, water etc. Liberal Indians may dispute this but that is how things will be perceived in Pakistan. And the only ones to benefit will be those out to sabotage relations in the first place. Particularly sad considering that Indians never tire of lecturing Pakistanis about the need for regional cooperation and good neighbourly behaviour.

Player Power Rears Its Ugly Head Again?

Oh no! That was my first reaction to hearing the news on tv last night that Umar Akmal, basically the only Pakistani batsman currently worth watching out for, had pulled a back muscle in practice, and was a doubtful starter for the upcoming Test in Hobart. If there was any further reason NOT to invest time in watching the match against Australia, this had to be it.

Umar Akmal: boy wonder leaves us wondering

Then, this morning comes this explosive piece in The News from it's regular, and very credible, correspondent Khalid Hussain. Here's the crux of it:

"HOBART: Umar Akmal on Sunday complained of a stiff back, making himself a doubtful starter for Pakistan’s third and final Test against Australia starting here from Thursday.

However, ‘The News’ has learnt through reliable sources that the 19-year-old batsman could be faking the problem in a bid to pressurize the team management to retain Kamran Akmal — his elder brother — for the Hobart Test."

I had sort of wondered how Umar would take the scorn being heaped upon brother Kamran and the calls for his replacement by young keeper Sarfaraz Ahmed. But if this report is true, it would mean Kamran is now using his 19-year-old brother to blackmail the management into persisting with him. This is now getting too much!

Kamran Akmal: one of his three butter fingered drops against Michael Hussey (Source: Getty / Herald Sun)

"Player power" is the euphemism given to the constant intrigues within the Pakistan dressing room, which have been at the root of the Pakistan cricket team's dismal history with undeserving selections and appointments. It has to be remembered that Younis Khan's withdrawal as captain before the New Zealand - Australia tour was strongly rumoured to be motivated by similar intrigues. And if the stories are to be believed, Kamran Akmal - along with Mohammad Yousuf and Misbah-ul-Haq - were among the foremost initiators of the unsaid revolt against Younis. The saddest part of this whole episode (once again, one should add the qualification, "if true") is that someone as young and promising as Umar Akmal has been sucked into this mess.

Adding fuel to the speculation is the following:

"Kamran, it seems, is confident that he will play in Hobart. “Inshallah, definitely, for this upcoming Test match ... I will perform very well. I will play the third Test match and more matches for my country.”

Kamran said that he is aware of the strong criticism back home but was quick to add that he remains focussed on the next Test.

“I know the people are very disappointed for this performance in the Sydney Test...(But) I’m concentrating on calming down and performing well in the next Test match.”

Kamran’s upbeat mood indicates that he is getting much-needed support from the Pakistan dressing room."

Could Kamran really be such an intriguer? Suffice it to say, if the PCB gives in to this kind of blackmail once again, we can all kiss any hopes for Pakistan cricket goodbye.

Verbal Dasti

You can always rely on PPP MNA Jamshed Dasti, who is also unfortunately the Chairman of the National Assembly's Standing Committee on Sports, to come up with a quotable turn of phrase.

Remember, this is the man who accused - without a shred of evidence one might add - the Pakistan cricket team of match-fixing the moment they lost in the ICC Champions' Trophy, which led to Younis Khan resigning as captain in a huff.

This is Mr. Dasti talking about Pakistan Cricket Board Chairman Ijaz Butt whose sacking he has belatedly called for  after the Sydney test match:

“He (Butt) has gone too old,” Dasti said. “Mr Butt is physically unfit, he can’t even walk properly, he can’t even see properly.”

And this from a bizarre report about the Pakistan hockey team being fined for posing for photographs with their female Liaison Officer at the Champions Challenge tournament in Argentina:

“It is not our culture to hug a lady,” said Jamshed Dasti, chairman of Pakistan’s lower house standing committee on sports.

Aah, the joys of living in Pakistan. Someone should start compiling the Dasti Book of Quotable Quotes.

The Comeback Kid

Had meant to blog about this a couple of days ago but I suppose now, when we are poised to lose the first test by a handsome margin, is as good a time as any. I mean, if nothing else, it might lighten our dark mood.

Yes, it's Freaky Nature Man once again, doing what he does best: grandstanding and lying through his perpetually bared teeth. A report published in Dawn on December 22 informs us that Shoaib Akhtar is aiming for a "shock" comeback. Apparently part of the preparations for that include denying his weight issues.

"Speaking to media for the first time since reports about him undergoing a liposuction surgery were flashed all over nearly two months ago, Shoaib said it was a knee surgery and not any fat removing procedure because of which he is out of competitive cricket.

‘Everybody is talking about it, but this is the first time I’ve spoken on this. I don’t need liposuction. I’m not fat. I’m a fit guy, I can reduce my weight by running,’ The Telegraph quoted Shoaib as saying."

Yes, I can see how a procedure for sucking the fat out of your tummy could be mistaken for a knee surgery. But Mr. Fit is not content to stop there.

"The 46-Test veteran admitted that he had a friend who is a plastic surgeon, but insisted that he had never gone under the knife. ‘I visit this man as a friend. I go to his clinic now and then and now it’s the story of the world,’ Shoaib said."

Visiting a plastic surgeon's clinic "now and then"? Really Shoaib? Just for chit chat and tea? Your doc friend must have a really floundering practice if he has the time for people popping in at work for socializing OR your  idea of a fun afternoon hanging out with pals is really screwed up. (Hmmm, on second thought, that does sound like you!)

Mr. Fit hanging out

But the most hilarious part of this 'comeback' story is how it consists entirely of 'Look Ma, No Fat' Man denying all his past transgressions and the accusations hurled at him. Here's him denying his steroid abuse, for which, you must remember, he was convicted and banned for two years, until the PCB in an act of cowardice repealed the sentence after one year:

"Commenting on the drug abuse, he claimed that he had never used any performance enhancing drugs. ‘I have never used that stuff, mate. I don’t need to cheat with drugs. I have bowled more than 100mph for years, so why would I use drugs to enhance my performance? The story was this — the PCB tested the whole team. My normal nandrolone level was higher and my argument was this figure cannot be the same for every person on the planet,’ the fast bowler argued."

Don't you just love how 'mate' was thrown in there? I can just imagine him saying it in his faux Punjabi-Irish-Australian brogue. But the explanation is what really takes the cake. Here's a quick reminder, Mate... 1. Who cares what "your argument" is? I mean, are you seriously saying it's "your argument" against the weight of a conviction based on the science of dope testing? 2. You're not even remotely right. What the ICC-sanctioned dope testing found was that your nandrolone levels were several times higher than what even the normal RANGE of levels are (they account for the variations in different people) and concluded that even in abnormal cases (such as you claim yours is apparently) such stupendously high levels could not be achieved without steroid abuse. Yeah, mate, it sucks to be found out, don'it?

But of course, how could Shoaib make a 'comeback' without referring to the THING that has probably caused him more grief than all the other accusations put together.

"Shoaib, who has taken 178 Test wickets, also blasted the PCB for releasing a statement saying he had ‘genital warts’, due to which he was axed from the World T20. He maintains that he has an independent medical report, which cleared him of any STD."

You went to the extent of getting an independent medical report for this? Is it from another doc pal whose clinic you like to hang out in? Are you going to show it to all the ladies you pick up at the bar? Would you stop threatening a comeback if the PCB announces publicly that yeah, the other doctors got it all wrong and it's ok to have sex with you?

'You wanna see my independent medical report?'

You know what Mate? If you do make a comeback, 'shock' will not even begin to describe it.

Why Shoaib Akhtar is the Poster-Child for Pakistan

After all that brouhaha about Shoaib Akhtar's viral genitalia, The News' Khalid Hussain informs us today that "Shoaib's fitness problems aren't just skin deep." Ho-hum. Tell us something we didn't know. If his incessant tantrums, loud-mouthed shaubda-pan, his steroid-pumping, lack of any kind of discipline, his inability to bowl even 10 overs in a one-day match and increasing inability to take wickets and his regular pulling out of critical fixtures because of one excuse or another were not enough, we now discover that he is addicted to "strong painkillers", in the absence of which he is reduced to a grovelling junkie.

“Shoaib was so desperate for a particular pain-killing injection during the tour of UAE that he almost begged a local doctor for it. The doctor, however, told him that he would risk being thrown out of UAE is he administered that injection,” said a source.

Anyone with half a mind would have rid Pakistan cricket of this pathetic loser a long, long time ago. But even more importantly, anyone with even a shred of decency would themselves have announced an end to their career and sought psychiatric help. Not our genital-wart man of course.

Apparently, Shoaib has refused to accept PCB’s decision and is planning to feature in the RBS National Twenty20 Cup getting underway in Lahore from May 25. It was announced on Saturday that he would lead Islamabad Leopards in the five-day event in spite of being advised by the PCB Medical Board to rest and get treatment for at least ten days.

His plans to feature in the RBS Cup have posed yet another headache for the PCB management. Sources close to Shoaib claimed that the pacer may make also some disclosures about an alleged plot by the team management to get him axed from the England-bound squad.

I have long maintained that, rather than letting the country down, today's Pakistani cricketers perfectly represent the Pakistani nation of today. They share three characteristics that have come to define us completely: a total lack of discipline, an over-reliance on luck, and an acute inability to foresee the consequences of our actions. Anyone seeing Shahid 'Boom Boom' Afridi batting will immediately see the similarities between it and, oh for example, the Kargil adventure.

But Shoaib 'Take Me Warts And All' Akhtar's latest shenanigans have made me think he truly is the poster-boy for what is wrong with us as a nation. Not only does he fulfil each of the characteristics outlined above, he also perfectly mirrors our penchant for feeding conspiracy theories without a shred of evidence and looking to blame others for our self-inflicted problems. It's never our fault, it's always someone out to get us since we are potentially so great. Megalomania combined with paranoia.

Of course, he intends to participate in the RBS Twenty20 not out of any love for the Islamabad Leopards or for the tournament, but only to shame the PCB (as if it needs any shaming). More eyes are bound to be glued on to his crotch than anywhere on the field (perhaps RBS should put their logo there) and I'd love to see how his teammates treat the ball he will inevitably rub there and shine with his spit. Nobody has ever accused us of being extremely rational about science, and particularly about the science of infectious diseases. If the medical reports are correct, he is also likely to further aggravate his 'condition' by playing, and just writing those words makes me wince.

Which brings me to the other way Mr. Akhtar represents Pakistan. Like our country, he has an uncanny predilection for negotiating with others by holding a gun to his own head.