Monday, March 28, 2011

The Mohali Lead-up FacePalms

It's usually at times like these that I heave a sigh of relief that one does not have easy access to Indian news television channels in Pakistan. Because, really, I think adding them to the mix of frequent absurdity that Pakistan's news channels are capable of would be just too much to bear.

Have a gander at the following two clips. The first is from India TV which claims it has "earned a repute [sic] of credible reporting, courage, espousal of public interest and its [sic] unmatched delivery which is of a [sic] great value to all stakeholders." I truly do not know where to begin on this one. I suppose if one put intellectual absurdity mixed with an utter lack of knowledge and cricketing ignorance into a blender, added a cup of whacked out sensationalism with generous doses of bhang, you could, ostensibly arrive at something tasting like this 'report.'





The second clip is from a channel called CNEB, which, believe it or not, is short for Complete News and Entertainment Broadcast and which, according to its website, thinks Qamaruzzaman Kaira is the 'Home Minister of Pakistan.' It has this to say about itself:

"Complete News & Entertainment Broadcast Pvt. Ltd. (CNEB) has launched its 24 x 7 Infotainment Television Channel in May 2008 with the vision of its Group Chairman Shri H. S. Sran, that hordes of channels has come up and large numbers are waiting for the permission from Ministry of Information & Broadcasting; only few survive because as per the industry sources, the viewers stick to the channels which are showing programs with a difference."

Um.... yeah, whatever, dude. Here's how they bring a difference:




Can we collectively say 'preparing the ground for a whining'? I mean, ok, an alleged bookie hanging out with the team is news in itself (if true, it should be probed by the Anti-Corruption Unit of the ICC shouldn't it?) but how is billions being bet on a match and the mere presence of a suspicious character translate automatically into confirmation of a fix? CNEB of course raises questions about the match by blaming the punters ("sattaybaaz"). But, er, wouldn't the team - or certainly some members of the team - have to be involved in a fix? How come CNEB never points that out?

Incidentally, I have heard the same argument, about the match allegedly being fixed, from people in Pakistan - except that in our versions, it's Pakistan that's going to lose. FFS! Get over yourselves folks. As if either India or Pakistan can never lose unless some behind-the-scenes hanky panky is involved. In our media's defence, at least we didn't put such a wildly speculative (and frankly, rondhoo) preemptive story on our mainstream channels. Yet. Note to Pakistani TV channels: do NOT attempt to replicate!


Tailpiece: At the other end of the spectrum are the 'cricket-liberals', who in the midst of the (justified) hysteria about the Mother Of All Matches, are going around beatifically pontificating about cricket diplomacy, cricket for peace and the win-win scenario for South Asia (whatever that is). Basically, people who probably think Umar Gul and Zaheer Khan or Virender Sehwag and Misbahul Haq are in the same league, and really don't care that much about cricket or their national teams. Ahmer Naqvi and Masuud Qazi have a hilarious post up on Clear Cricket to inform them about the Prescribed Etiquettes and Attitudes for TGME (The Greatest Match Ever). Do have a look.


23 comments:

mehmal said...

On the kaala pathar thing, my mother commented: "don't be afraid, it's a black marble not black magic." hehe

leenah. said...

Im luvinnnnnnnn it! :D


thanks for sharing!

Sabahat24 said...

Expected better from you XYZ. Self-righteous idiocy in the last paragraph. If certain people want to make this about peace rather than sheer lunacy and all screaming and sledging and behaving moronically, then I don't see how it should trouble you, the supposed 'real' fan of Pakistani cricket. Guess you are the kind of fan who confuses having a crush on Afridi with loving cricket.

Amit J said...

dude, the thing about hindi news channels are so pathetic its not even funny...the pathetic thing is that even the english press isnt far behind....
btw, here s something even more hilarious
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3iYpt8-PGE

Anonymous said...

Dude, what makes you think india tv and cneb (never heard of it before) are mainstream tv channels? india tv is famous for its regular ' path breaking' reports on how aliens abduct cattle and how the aliens are now planning to abduct himesh reshamiyya. Guess the quality of pak main stream channels full of conspiracy theorists like zaid hamid has got you thinking these fringe channels are' main stream'

Jawad said...

I agree with India TV. Kalay pathar ka jadoo has no place in the gentlemen's game. Shame on Pakistan taem.

Vineet said...

For one, no one (at least most of the target audience of your blog & 'aam jantaa' in general) here in India gives an eff about India TV and CNEB. India TV is also known as the Fox News of India in circles of intelligencia and as for CNEB, I have never even heard of it before. All the folks I inquired at my office concurred.

Two, mainstream media is a lot saner and doesn't serve the craziness you have scouted for.

Thanks anyways.

Sabahat24 said...

Sorry for the plug, but since it is a rebuttal of sorts of your post i am putting the link here

http://bit.ly/hrDmIx

leftwrite said...

India TV is great! What would life be without it. Have a look: http://nothing2report.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/holy-cow/

(don't know whether you can read devnagri script but basically its "breaking news" about how aliens are kidnapping cows; it asks the very important question "kya alien gai ka doodh peete hain" and ends with a warning to its viewers "yeh aapko hansne wali baat lag sakti hai par yeh gai aapki bhi ho sakti hai")

haven't heard of CNEB, is not part of the news channels my cable wala gives but if there is competition for India TV its good news. We need more of this, not less. After all there needs to be some relief from boring stuff like this: http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/we-the-people/ticket-to-india-pakistan-thaw/194820?hp

Ullta Seedha said...

"Cricket liberals??" Umm .. okay. But aren't you knd of losing it a bit too, dear XYZ? Or are we about to see Pyala on Geo?

Masuud said...

Well put. You missed out on the ToI (Times Now) "How To Demolish Pakistan" programme. Kaala pathar will remain the killer. And thanks for linking up the Clear Cricket post.

Anonymous said...

CNEB looks very similar to IBN7, but seriously never heard of "CNEB".

Sajai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sajai said...

OMG! It would have been hilarious if it wasn't labeled as news.

Fortunately for me, I stopped watching Indian news channels a long time ago.

These days I watch only CNN or TV18 (financial news) and occasionally switch to the local language channel to see if something is happening locally.

I have never heard of India TV or CNEB and they don't even come on my set top box.

But then I wouldn't blame those two channels only. Have you seen CNN IBN or Times Now or any of the Hindi news channels?

It is yellow journalism at its best. One day when you get the time, you should perhaps do an analysis on Indian news channels.

You may then understand what we have to put up with.

Allu Arjun said...

I've never even heard of IndiaTV News. Most of the Hindi news channels suck anyway, with their non-stop breaking news and other crap.

someone from mumbai said...

wow.. i FINALLY came across someone who watches india tv. i know for a fact in india its treated as a perfect channel to indulge your masochistic side.
incidentally Press Trust of India had actually at one point taken the channel off air due to its horrible "reporting". india tv cried and begged and promised to behave itself and so was allowed back on air (with apology scrolls at the bottom of the screen)

CNEB?? NEVER heard of it..

you know i was a HUGE fan of cafe pyala; but the fact that you watched and then actually wrote about india tv made me loose some of the respect i had for you. and i'm quite bummed about it

Anonymous said...

I'm an Indian and I apologise to the Pakistanis for our 'wonderful' coverage. Some scientists in India are working on a new Rabies vaccine to cure these TV Channels !! Until that happens - ignore the barking !!

jai said...

hey,,,u guys watch Indian TV,,hats off to you

well,,,,,havent heard of the other channel till now...but will surely look it up

Being an India, I refrain from commenting on Pakistani blogs, but this time I had to....

care to watch Mr Lucman's show ( hope I got the name right..saw it on you tube)about India-australia game>it was equally hilarous like the one on India TV
Let peace prevail and may the better team win

peace

joy

Anonymous said...

will someone please comment on Aamir Liaquat's recent insanity regarding cricket?

Anonymous said...

Just watching 'Aapas ki baat' on Geo.. they are showing exactly the same two videos.. lol..

Come on XYZ.. reveal urself.. lol..

NarayaN said...

Okay - so, the match was *fixed* - India won it. Guess the Gujurati brokers had more money to bet & win that the betting mafia & Dawood Ibrahim put together. lol.
.
BTW, the 'so-called' Mainstream news channels, CNN IBN, NDTV, etc - are not really involved in *news reporting*. They've long since moved out of that business.
.
Now, they're into creating & modifying public-opinion. In other words, they try to induce mass hysteria into the nation with the 2nd largest number of Idiots - INDIA, my home land.

Anand said...

You can't deny the "E" part of the CNEB :D. Then again, would you cite The National Enquirer for "aaj ki sansani-khez khabar?" No, right? C'mon guys...pick on some channels that have some legitimacy.

Anonymous said...

believe it or not...there have been calls from indian public to ban this channel..just do a youtube search & u will find their news coverage to be hilarioous...for eg about how aliens are stealing our cows etc...