Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Samaa In Heat

This has to be the funniest massacre of the English language by a Pakistani media organization. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite qualify for the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest (since it's not the headline that's in question here, nor is Samaa a newspaper), so thought I'd just share it on its own.

Here's a screen capture of the page on Samaa TV's website (just in case they go and delete or change it after this post):

And here is the text, covering the fairly innocuous reporting of record-breaking temperatures in parts of Sindh.

According to Samaa's website [my comments in square brackets]:

"The country is in the grip of high temperatures and Nawabshah broke off 86 year old record of high temperatures, SAMAA reported Tuesday."
           [The record was sort of like an unsuccessful engagement, eh?]

"According to chief metrologist of the country Mohammad Riaz, country remained in the grip of severe heat wave and Sibi and Nawabshah sizzled at 52 degree Celsius."
[Riaz is really into metro areas, what can we say?]

"In Nawabshah temperature was recorded at 51.5 degree Celsius and thus, 86 year record of heat broke off."
[It was just hanging there!]

"As a consequence of heat spell people rushed to rivers and water bodies to get temporary relief  from rising temperatures."
[Obviously Samaa had to differentiate between "rivers and water bodies" since rivers are mostly sewage these days, and obviously people can only get permanent relief if they decide to live in the water.]

"On the other hand in Larkana temperatures remain high and hot air was blowing all the way and temperatures reached to 51 degree Celsius."
["On the other hand"?? And do note that the hot air "was blowing ALL the way". As opposed to only till first base.]

"According to Metrological Department, the planes of the country will be under rising heat from Wednesday to Thursday and hot air will blow."
[Well, technically, they are right. Aeroplanes will be under the hot air at some point, the hot air may climb higher than the planes and in hot weather there is hot air.]

"Metrological experts have predicted that on the eve of Thursday and Friday air will blow and rain may descend."
[What can one say? That's why we need experts, to tell us stuff like this.]


Anonymous said...

Well, what can one say ... :) Heat does strange things to people ... the expert who penned this must have been a Sardar jee doing it at 12.00 noon!!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha ... garmi ka samaa!

E. said...

Best peice of writing i have encountered in a loooong time!!

Anonymous said...

LOL...this is why i sip from the pyala

JJ said... it!

Anonymous said...

This is nothing ... When ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat came to Pakistan, Geo TV's female anchor Ghareeda asked questions in a language that was supposed to be like ENGLISH but not ENGLISH. If anyone has that clip, plz update. Its over hilarious!

Bolshevik said...

The last para was the bestest: 'air will blow and rain may descend.' I can almost see the exclamation marks at the end of the sentence, and hear "ta-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaa!" followed by a fart in the background. :-P

PS: Anon1153, '12 noon' as opposed to what? 4 noon?

PSS: The word verification thingum wants me to type 'cring'. It reads my mind! Oh neowwww!!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post. Although it did cause me to think about our society's inherent English-medium snobbishness.
Obviously, good English should be a given in English language publications and websites, and your post rightly puts the boot into Samaa for failing that test. But is a facility with language enough to stop you from becoming a laughing stock? I am not so sure.
I mean, people at (the late) Dawn News and now its successor the Express Tribune were probably born crying in KGS English. But did it stop them from being dumb and really idiotic eight times out of ten? No.
I used to watch Dawn News for the weird accents and strange recipes but have now switched to ET for comic relief. So far the journey for cheap laughs has not disappointed me. Sadly, I notice that ET has responded of late to its blogger critics by trying to become a more conventional paper (some weird headlines still live on, thank God, and so does the parody-of-itself Speaker's Corner).
My message: Pleeeeeeeez ET management, restore the paper to its pristine, dumb blonde burgerness right now or I will stop buying it out of sheer boredom. I beseech you not to turn your product into an experience akin to watching a 'Z' grade movie which turns out to be dull rather than so bad that it's funny.