Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Why Your Parents Warned You Against Taking Too Many Drugs

I had the chance, or misfortune, to stumble upon yesterday's Khari Baat Lucman Ke Saath on its repeat today and I am still reeling at the heights of lunacy achieved in that programme. And no, I am not referring to the fact that, as an intro to the show, Mubasher Lucman kept pretending to present declassified and Wikileaked US government documents, which are freely available on the web and which have been written and talked about for the past one year, as documents that he had somehow mysteriously and surreptitiously got his hands on ("I have got Anne Patterson's entire email," he once proclaimed). I'm not even referring to how he claimed that one of his guests, Asfandyar Kasuri (who he claimed needed no introduction but who at least I have no idea about aside from the fact that he apparently likes to be known as 'Fundy' on Facebook) had a show shut down on Aaj TV because he had, horror of horrors, interviewed Noam Chomsky. (Yes, I'm sure the fact that the show, called Washington Report, looked like VoA's bland Khabron Se Aagay and was in English with Urdu subtitles played no part in its being axed.)

No, the task of raising the psychosis quotient immeasurably was laid at the feet of that well known expert on globalization and Pakistan-US relations, Ali Azmat. In his opening lines, Azmat pointed out that he was smiling to himself at some of the initial discussion of US foreign policy hypocrisy between Lucman and Kasuri, because, hey, "We'd been saying it all along for five years and we were dubbed conspiracy theorists by people." After the obligatory-for-a-Lucman-show segue into an attack on Najam Sethi as a slave of American capitalists,  Azmat got really warmed up. (Mr Azmat did sort of confuse the name of the think tank Sethi is a fellow at, calling it the Project for the New American Century rather than the New America Foundation, but that was only the smallest confusion in the mind of the former 'bad boy of rock'.)

Here's the first part of Ali Azmat expounding his dialectical vision (the relevant bit begins around 05:45):




In the space of next few minutes, Azmat told us the following (and I swear I am not making this up):

1. The music of Michael Jackson and The Beatles was developed by the Tavistock Institute in England to wean people away from their indigenous culture and impose cultural imperialism on the world. 
2. The Rockefeller Foundation forced musicians ("by hook or by crook") to tune their instruments' A-note at 440 Hz after 1945 since that is the frequency that causes human beings' "cellular structure" to be unsettled the most, in order to propagate "mass hypnotism and mass crowd control." 
3. This mass brain-washing was dubbed "counter-culture" and was led by a consortium of record companies, television channels and General Electric. 
4. Hollywood's end-of-the-world type disaster films, zombie movies and vampire flicks are all part of the same "orchestrated and planned" conspiracy to confuse people whether "Balochis are killing us or Punjabis are killing Balochis." 
5. The Occupy Wall Street Movement in a thousand cities across the globe is being funded by the same capitalists it is ostensibly fighting against. 
6. The "North Command" of the US Army which is ostensibly responsible for domestic security is preparing for the Third World War within the US employing mercenary Poles and Ghanaians. 
7. Corporations put fluoride in the water (anyone else remember Dr Strangelove?), poison in toothpastes and "monoxide sodium glutamate" {sic} in chips and juices to spread cancer.

Here's the clear-headed Mr Azmat in all his glory:



As a sum-up Asfandyar Kasuri (who is either really the most tolerant person on the planet or the yin to Mr Azmat's yang) first helpfully points out the meaning of the phrase "military industrial complex" and that the American media is controlled by big commercial interests, with nary a sense of irony about the fact that he is sitting on a channel and a show that runs on corporate advertising. When he mentions the power of wealthy advertisers such as Exxon, Lucman boastfully tells him to go ahead since "Exxon does not give us any advertising." Unfortunately for him and Dunya, Ali Azmat then goes on to mention a local bank's name which is dutifully bleeped out by the channel and leads to Lucman grumbling that Azmat would get him into trouble. These televangelical radicals are almost funny.




Oh, and the solution to these problems (because, you know, Lucman loves solutions)? According to Azmat, we should stop dealing with banks completely since they take commissions on every transaction thereby destroying Pakistan's and the world's economy. And lest you ask, as Lucman does, whether we should then keep our money in socks: we should not keep money in any case and instead buy gold and silver. I really am not making this up.

We should also stop buying corporate products. Ostensibly this includes some of the telecom and fast-food products Mr Azmat himself sold until recently and the products that funded this show.



41 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dunya News is the best! Lucman for president, azmat for caliph and fundy for first lady for both!

Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant post! I think its safe to say Ali Azmat lost all his brain cells to the cause of music, pun intended '... Camrone aur Sirkozy Libya main aa ker haath melatay hai aur kehtay hain tail kaun baichay ga....' right and he knows that because he saw this was happen. What was Lucman thinking having not one but three jokers on National Television.

Ali said...

Azmat has been saying this stuff for a while. Here he shared some of these drug-and-Zaid-Hamid-induced thoughts with Newsline in Aug of 2010.
http://bit.ly/acLMnb

Anonymous said...

After seeing this programme, obviously made by jaahil lunatics, on a mainstream Pakistani channel, I think it's time to say goodbye to all hope. If this were a comedy or parody, I might have laughed. But no, it's taken seriously by a compere who should never have been allowed to progress beyond Class IV at school. So let me just say it in so many words: Bye bye hope!

Saadia said...

oh god. How the hell has he linked Balochistan's issue to armageddon movies.
What a total jerk

Anonymous said...

you pyalas are so gonna regret it when ali azmat is the only one with a cure for the zombie epidemic taking over the country.

Anonymous said...

I would rather be a zombie than Ali Azmat

Anonymous said...

While Lucman and Ali Azmat are spreading conspiracy theories, the Beyghairat brigade has within the span of 3 minutes flat poked fun at the ghairat brigae in a light hearted song with thought proviking satre thattalks about social, religious, political and economic issues. These people who made Aalu anday give us hope that interviews such as teh one you have written about make us lose.

Salar Maiwand said...

I believe that Ali Azmat is a joker and a tv channel should not give its time to his nonsense. I also don't have a high opinion of Lucman. I was extremely angry about his shameful program on Mukhthara Mai. he is also a pugnacious person without any knowledge of journalistic ethics.
BUT and this is a big but. I do not find anything wrong with what Asfandyar said. his being less known to the writer of the blog and to me does not prove that his views are faulty. you also pointed out the contradiction that Asfandyar is against corporations but has no problem appearing on a program funded by capitalists. well, if we go back to that old man, Marx. capitalism has inbuilt contradiction and this contradiction allows space for those who resist it. (I can go in detail if anyone wants to talk about it). and lastly, after listing the nonsense of Ali Azmat the blogger writes "These televangelical radicals are almost funny." and thus lumps asfandyar with the other two cartoons.
I like some of the stuff that you have written in the past but this one and the one that you wrote in the praise of a segment of "hasb-e- hal" that was explicitly racist is disappointing.

Farrukh Ejaz said...

What happened to Iqbal Ka Pakistan? anyone

No Man said...

Ali Azmat forgot to mention one more 'fact.': i.e. He is actually a vistor from the reptile planet Reptilia who has arrived here on earth to warn us about floride toothpaste.

This idiot needs to visit a shrink.

Raza said...

Ali Azmat on a TV program last year said the reason why he was not appearing on TV that much lately (apparently after zaid hamid debacle, he went underground for few month) is because next time when he is on, he would like to be fully researched and prepared (to silent those calling him conspiracy theorist).

What we just witnessed is his thesis from all those nights spent in research, preparation and red bull consumption.

TLW said...

Ali Azmat's ramblings were just the icing on the cake.

It was Mubashir Lucman bringing up that wikileak-ed Pakistani diplomat's report, where he said that the Saudis were being bogotted against Asif Ali Zardari because he's a Shia that got me pissed.

I'm tired of being post-modern, funny & ironic about those Saudi cunts; they deserve a kick in the balls for being bigots.

Anonymous said...

I think what Ali and Asfandyar said made sense. If they presented their info in a more presentable manner he would have won support.

Magnum said...

Anon @4:00 PM

Hmmm. So floride in water and music with the A-note played at 440Hz is bad for us?

Dude, I'd love to smoke what you (or Mr. Azmat) have been smoking.

~blackhole~ said...

Rofl..whatta a bunch of assholes

Karachi-kurchi said...

@XYZ, this is a trivial issue, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz write about the MQM and ISI hegemony in Karachi...

chakster said...

i think he's quite ready to become a "strategic expert"

Forbidden Fruit said...

Zaid Hamid found his Rockstar Wali-e-ehed!

Anonymous said...

national treasures of disorientation :/

Quetta 26 said...

According to Ali Azmat "to tune their instruments' A-note at 440 Hz after 1945 since that is the frequency that causes human beings' "cellular structure" to be unsettled the most, in order to propagate "mass hypnotism and mass crowd control." I really agree with him as I'm hypnotized by Aalu Anday by Beygairat Brigade.
Please do give it a ear guys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEpnwCPgH7g

Anonymous said...

Nice post, i feel sorry for all those who were subjected to this program's nonsense! Also just wanted to ask you if you have any recommendations for making voa's khabron se aagay less bland.. I am associated with the show and would highly appreciate your and other's feedback.

Anonymous said...

Not only is Ali Azmat a buffoon, he's an inarticulate buffoon. It seems like he lacks the capacity to articulate a coherent sentence. Must be the result of an overexposure to the A440 pitch. Or to Beatles' songs.

Also, I want to see the connect-the-dots illustration books he had as a child. They're probably a mess because he also lacks the capacity to make obvious connections.

Ullta Seedha said...

LOL @ Anon @ 8:19 AM

Great post CP, keep exposing these babbling, bumbbling asswipes!

abeer said...

Ali Azmat reminded me of another loony and deranged media person,Glen Beck, the x-fox news anchor. He attributed the Arab spring to a conspiracy by Muslims and socialists, Ali just changed the ingredients but equation and result is same. why cant media bring some sensible people on discussion panels?

Anonymous said...

FYI--I knew a Fundi Kasuri in high school--he is Khursheed Kasuri's son (as in the politician, Mush's foreign minister). Interestingly, he was schooled at the Lahore American School and then rumour had it that he went to Penn after his father made a large donation as his grades alone could not take him there. Now here he is telling us about America's problems, provided it is the same guy (how many fundi kasuris could there be). Though some of what he said may be true, why is any of this our problem? Our problems in Pakistan lie elsewhere.

AHK said...

I think Asfandyar Kasuri overall makes sensible comments including his last one. You can't blame him for Ali Azmat's bullshit. Its not a conspiracy theory that economic interests drive politics and international relations.

Ahmed Aziz said...

:-) Sweet Fancy Moses!!!! Ali Azmat is losing his plot!!!

Anonymous said...

hows this for a theory? we are actually in hell, the news channels are the eternal "punishment" and all anchors such as lucman are the devil spawn that we are subjected to for some unforgivable sin that we committed. bloody hell.....lord thy will be done!

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one in the country who wants to punch Mubashar Lucman in the face every time he opens that dumb, uncouth mouth of his?

Maryam A. said...

Huge post. I no readz it. But HI.

observer said...

Ali Azmat is walking proof of his 440 mhz theory. He was around these lethal musical instruments for a long long time, and look what it has done to his grey cells. The guy is practically a martyr.

KAS said...

Ali azmat along with Zaid Hamid feel that the Afghani Taliban are freedom fighters, well I wonder whether Ali Azmat could have been such a succesfull self proclaimed "rockstar" in Afghanistan during the 90's when the taliban was in power

Anonymous said...

@KAS: Afghani is a currency whereas Afghan refers to nationality. I think we should know that since they are our neighbors and our history is so much intertwined.

KAS said...

@anonymous Sorry I mean Afghan Taliban

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Couple of years back Mr. Mubashar Lucman got cleared his new BMW car without paying the tax from Sindh Excise Deptt :)

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