You know the type: Shahid Masood, MBBS, (who I like to fondly refer to as Dr. S&M given the excruciating nature of his pontifications on television) could be a supreme khalifa, if only there was any pretense of him actually reporting on anything. But since he is actually paid to pontificate with the most outlandish theories known to wo/man, with nary a reliable reference, he cannot strictly fall in the category of a khalifa. Dickhead, yes. Khalifa, not really.
In any case, the title of the khalifa-ul-waqt must surely fall at the feet of the self-righteous Mr. Ansar Abbasi. He of Geo and The News fame. To be fair, Ansar Abbasi has sometimes been a decent reporter who has come up with some good scoops, especially during the judicial crisis. Unfortunately, it seems fame has come too suddenly for him and his beard. He can barely write a piece now without littering it with his own warped, self-righteous and usually hyper-patriotic and hyper-religious views. Worse, he has taken to holding forth in opinion pieces disguised as investigative reports for The News and Jang. Now, why anyone should care what his views are, remains a true mystery to me. But the Jang Group management - which seems to revel in promoting this sort of half-baked punditry - feels it is perfectly legitimate to inflict them on its poor readers and audiences.
Don't miss how many times he refers to himself as "balanced", "unbiased" and "non-judgemental".
Not content with this exposition of his balance and non-judgemental nature, he went on to Aalim Online hosted by another of Jang Group's charlatans, Aamir Liaquat, to hold forth further on the same subject. You can view that here. (In it he not only claims the video is six months to a year old, but also agrees with Aamir Liaquat that it could have been manufactured by Western / Israeli forces to malign Islam. I think that's called having your cake and eating it too.)
Of course Aamir Liaquat is the same guy who pretended to be a doctorate until his fake internet degree was exposed, and who was forced to resign his National Assembly seat when UK citizen Altaf bhai took umbrage at his virulent support for killing UK citizen Salman Rushdie and Ahmadis on his programme. But more on that some other time.
What's got me going is Ansar Abbasi's latest piece on the front page of The News on Tuesday, April 14 titled humbly, Zardari Makes his Mark. No points for guessing that this is a paean to the president's sagacity in signing the law enforcing Shariah ala the Taliban in Malakand Division after NO debate in parliament.
Here are some choice excerpts of Mr. Abbasi's balanced, unbiased and non-judgemental piece...
"The parochial view of NGO types, liberal extremists and confused souls has been rejected by those, most of whom are known liberals, whether belonging to the Pakistan Peoples Party, the Awami National Party and to some extent even the Pakistan Muslim League. They have definitely played their role of being public representatives and thus should be encouraged and praised."
Of course, only in a balanced, unbiased and non-judgemental way, I'm sure.
Warming up to his theme, he says:
"This is no secret that the National Assembly has been involved in this issue only to tell the foreign powers particularly Washington, which has its reservations about the Swat peace deal, that the imposition of Islamic justice system is the will of the people of Pakistan. No doubt a smart move from President Zardari, who for a change has started taking decisions that surprise many."
And here I thought the National Assembly was supposed to be a little more than a public relations body. Silly me.
Further on the intrepid investigator divulges the conspiracies against the 'will of the people of Pakistan':
"Some of the political parties like the MQM and a number of NGOs and their representatives, and some known liberal extremists did a lot of drum beating on the issue of suspected video and used it to pressurise the government to cancel the peace deal with Maulana Sufi Muhammad."
I tell you, saluting the Khalifa-ul-Waqt is not enough. You need to bow down before his greatness.