Monday, December 28, 2009

The Comeback Kid

Had meant to blog about this a couple of days ago but I suppose now, when we are poised to lose the first test by a handsome margin, is as good a time as any. I mean, if nothing else, it might lighten our dark mood.

Yes, it's Freaky Nature Man once again, doing what he does best: grandstanding and lying through his perpetually bared teeth. A report published in Dawn on December 22 informs us that Shoaib Akhtar is aiming for a "shock" comeback. Apparently part of the preparations for that include denying his weight issues.

"Speaking to media for the first time since reports about him undergoing a liposuction surgery were flashed all over nearly two months ago, Shoaib said it was a knee surgery and not any fat removing procedure because of which he is out of competitive cricket.
‘Everybody is talking about it, but this is the first time I’ve spoken on this. I don’t need liposuction. I’m not fat. I’m a fit guy, I can reduce my weight by running,’ The Telegraph quoted Shoaib as saying."

Yes, I can see how a procedure for sucking the fat out of your tummy could be mistaken for a knee surgery. But Mr. Fit is not content to stop there.

"The 46-Test veteran admitted that he had a friend who is a plastic surgeon, but insisted that he had never gone under the knife. ‘I visit this man as a friend. I go to his clinic now and then and now it’s the story of the world,’ Shoaib said."

Visiting a plastic surgeon's clinic "now and then"? Really Shoaib? Just for chit chat and tea? Your doc friend must have a really floundering practice if he has the time for people popping in at work for socializing OR your  idea of a fun afternoon hanging out with pals is really screwed up. (Hmmm, on second thought, that does sound like you!)

Mr. Fit hanging out

But the most hilarious part of this 'comeback' story is how it consists entirely of 'Look Ma, No Fat' Man denying all his past transgressions and the accusations hurled at him. Here's him denying his steroid abuse, for which, you must remember, he was convicted and banned for two years, until the PCB in an act of cowardice repealed the sentence after one year:

"Commenting on the drug abuse, he claimed that he had never used any performance enhancing drugs. ‘I have never used that stuff, mate. I don’t need to cheat with drugs. I have bowled more than 100mph for years, so why would I use drugs to enhance my performance? The story was this — the PCB tested the whole team. My normal nandrolone level was higher and my argument was this figure cannot be the same for every person on the planet,’ the fast bowler argued."

Don't you just love how 'mate' was thrown in there? I can just imagine him saying it in his faux Punjabi-Irish-Australian brogue. But the explanation is what really takes the cake. Here's a quick reminder, Mate... 1. Who cares what "your argument" is? I mean, are you seriously saying it's "your argument" against the weight of a conviction based on the science of dope testing? 2. You're not even remotely right. What the ICC-sanctioned dope testing found was that your nandrolone levels were several times higher than what even the normal RANGE of levels are (they account for the variations in different people) and concluded that even in abnormal cases (such as you claim yours is apparently) such stupendously high levels could not be achieved without steroid abuse. Yeah, mate, it sucks to be found out, don'it?

But of course, how could Shoaib make a 'comeback' without referring to the THING that has probably caused him more grief than all the other accusations put together.

"Shoaib, who has taken 178 Test wickets, also blasted the PCB for releasing a statement saying he had ‘genital warts’, due to which he was axed from the World T20. He maintains that he has an independent medical report, which cleared him of any STD."

You went to the extent of getting an independent medical report for this? Is it from another doc pal whose clinic you like to hang out in? Are you going to show it to all the ladies you pick up at the bar? Would you stop threatening a comeback if the PCB announces publicly that yeah, the other doctors got it all wrong and it's ok to have sex with you?

'You wanna see my independent medical report?'

You know what Mate? If you do make a comeback, 'shock' will not even begin to describe it.


Ahsan said...

Nice post, mate. Or should I say, mayyette.

Anonymous said...

I ask you: warts your problem with Shoaib, mate? He is such a genital soul. Just bumped into him while hanging out at our local plastic surgeon's, and he seemed quite fit fat.

Nida said...

haha great poost!!! :)

XYZ said...

@Ahsan: That was damn quick matey! The response I mean. You were probably prepping for your live blogging weren't you?... which btw is excellent!

@Anon957: That was hilarious! You should be writing for us.

@Nida: Thanks.

Ahsan said...

Yeah I check this blog way too often for my own good.

Tazeen said...


Anonymous said...


Sana said...

Haha. To be fair though, did you happen to catch Shoaib with Rameez Raja (incidentally wearing the classic office party holiday picture sweater - jhanda-green with a big red reindeer) on the pre-series analysis shows on Geo Super just before the first Test? Maybe his alleged plastic-surgeon-buddy's practic is struggling, because he looked pretty fat.