Saturday, December 12, 2009

Positive Responses - The Art of Stating the Obvious



The shock! The awe! The wide-eyed startled looks!

Here's what really had me falling off my seat with laughter this morning. The snivelling worm of journalism (could it be anyone else?) breaks wind news in The News' that:

"Imran says he got positive response from Taliban"

Really? Imran Khan and the Taliban? Who would ever have thunk?!

Ansar Abbasi's oh-so-unbiased report is worth reading at least once. It only calls Imran Khan "bold" and "daring" once and merely implies that the government is clueless, deaf and bloodthirsty. Oh and yeah, anyone who might disagree with his and Imran Khan's analysis that our best bet to contain terrorism is to do a Sufi Mohammad-style deal with the militants, is either a "confused Pakistani" or an "arrogant foreigner."

But this headline made me think of other potentially equally shocking news items that we can perhaps expect next in the paper:

1. "Zaid Hamid gets positive response from semi-literate pop stars looking for something deep and conspiratorial but safe to support"

2. "Shireen Mazari says she gets positive response from certain intelligence agencies looking to undermine the government through manufactured news"

3. "Nawaz says he gets positive response from religiously conservative but financially reckless Hall Road traders"

4. "Musharraf says he got positive response from Facebook users who still believe the military is the only solution to Pakistan's problems despite 43 years of misgovernance under it, and Atiqa Odho"

5. "Zardari says he got positive response from Bilawal, Bakhtawar and Asifa"

6. "Male model says he got positive response from Sheikh Aamer Hassan"

7. "Jamaat Chief Syed Munawwar Hassan gets positive response from Farhat Hashmi"

8. "Karzai says he got positive response from poppy farmers"

9. "Altaf says he received positive response from Sector Incharge Liaquatabad No. 10"

10. "Imran says he got positive response from Ansar Abbasi."


Please feel free to add some more...

9 comments:

Nasir said...

"Male model says he got positive response from Sheikh Aamer Hassan"

This one was the funniest.

Anonymous said...

"Altaf says he recieved positive response from Sector Incharge Liaquatabad No. 10"
hahahahaha....good the bloggers are anonymous. One doesn't see anything remotely resembling ANYTHING against the MQM in the mainstream media.

omar r quraishi said...

dude this was fukin hilarious

Anonymous said...

to continue with the list I would say:

11. Ansar Abbasi says 'allah pak kee kasam' I got a positive response from Dr Shahid Masood.

12. Dr Shahid Masood says 'meray mutabik' this will lead to Zardari's imminent downfall, adding that he got a positive response from Shaheen Sehbai.

13. Shaheen Sehbai says he got a positive response from PML-N chief Nawaz Sharif.

14. Nawaz Sharif says he got a positive response from Meera.

15. Meera says she got a positive response from Gen (retd) Musharraf.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha.

Salman Butt, Shoaib Malik and Misbahul Haq claim their selection got a positive response from the New Zealand bowlers

2 Tok said...

Cafe Pyala got a positive response from it's admirers.:)

But I am dying to hear only one positive response.

Pakistani Awam got a positive response from the Corrupts and looters of national wealth.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! This was brilliant. :D

jalalHB said...

We are passing through interesting times - we see all our leaders trying to make a mark and overtake the rest. Those who never visited FATA/Waziristan and other troubled areas, claim to have links with people over there. Interesting indeed

Anon_for_a_good_reason said...

Elin fears positively about STD infection after Tiger's riding of porn stars and waitresses.