‘Cause Tramps Like Us, Baby We Were Lawned To (Get) Run (Over)

I would have written this in February but I’ve been stuck in traffic outside a lawn exhibition since.

If you live in the open in Karachi, and not under a rock, you cannot have missed the wave of lawn related advertising that has been crashing upon our shores for the last few weeks, leaving sensory carnage in its wake. 2011 has seen a record number of brands flood the market. Some 30-odd designers have lent their names to collections, and if you count the textile mills without big name designers attached and the imitation lawn print makers the number reportedly edges well over fifty.

They call me Jofa, say it like Sofa, you look tired hon, lean on my Ottoman.

Women are unislamic. Look instead at my jeweled balls floating heavenwards.

Because April 1st was already taken, fool!

I love the way those bubbles of lightness float across pastel space almost as randomly as the way I park.

I must buy this aqua ensemble because it looks ridiculously expensive and so did my husband.

Nishat Textiles' Pink Lawn: why men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses?

The trauma of a bad billboard or magazine shoot begins to seem like a pleasant memory, though, once the actual sale begins and you happen to be caught in the whirlpool outside. At such times, it becomes apparent why the sale is called an ‘exhibition’, consisting as it does of a shameless display of the worst attributes of most of the women who flock to them. Pushing, shoving, cattiness, oestrogen levels run so high that the hosts with the most have started arranging for Portaloo trucks to be parked outside so women can flee to the bathroom (in packs) and cry in each others arms at the way so and so kept them from buying the last print #666 K-21 Rs 2650.

Queue? Isn’t that a letter in the alphabet?

You’ve probably gathered by now that this is a rant about the willing vacuity and utter and complete lack of civic sense displayed by raving lawnatics rather than a critical analysis of the industry itself. That has already been attempted, in depth, by Karachi Feminist, in two posts about the exploitative working conditions of the women whose field work powers the business of what she dubs ‘blood cotton’. These include greater exposure to pesticide as the appetite for the fabric leads bosses to drive their crews harder, and the absence of any substantive wage increase, regulatory framework or protective rights umbrella for the vast majority of cotton pickers in Pakistan.

She makes a strong case for more ethical consumption and the reformation of labour laws. The benefits of the industry’s growth should, in theory, trickle down to the faceless pickers as well as the individual designers, fashion houses and textile behemoths who package the final product. As this industry continues to explode, each link in the chain from plant to pocket needs to figure out a way to satisfy its desire for dirty, pretty things without making innocent bystanders pay for it.

Pesticide in print? We’re SO ahead of that fashion curve…(Photo: SDPI)

But buying clothes, as some people will tell you, never killed anybody. How exactly is lawn singlehandedly responsible for the pitiful state of workers' lives? Should we also stop buying unbranded fabric, cushion covers, tablecloths, t-shirts, shifts from Sheep, pants from Ego and kurtis from Khaadi? Should we, like, not wear any clothes at all?

Please do. You must. We absolutely insist. Just make sure you’re ok with any hidden costs too.

And don’t act like this is what cars are for when you go to buy them (Photo: Ittehad Textile Mills)

In conclusion, I would like to remind you, in the words of lawn's latest self-appointed messiah, that it is not just a fabric…it’s a lifestyle. It’s a philosophy. It’s a religion. It’s a science. With rockets in it.

Or as his Press Release puts it:

"On the announcement of the launch of The World of HSY Prints, head designer and CEO of the HSY design house Hassan Sheheryar Yasin has said “The World of HSY’s first collection of prints introduced for S/S 2011 is a celebration of self expression, striking a balance between tradition and experimentation where our designs mirror the emotions, cultural heritage and characteristics of the modern Pakistani woman. Having successfully launched couture, resort and prêt lines over our decade long history in fashion, this year we are proud to extend our repertoire to our first ever luxury print collection”"

All of which is aptly communicated by a giant billboard of a man in a suit.

Come, my witless flock, let me fleece you.

Eyes Wide Open

So, once again we've all disappeared for a bit. Eid and all that...

Just wanted to share this story from Dawn's Business pages with everyone, which certainly made MY eyes pop. It's worth reading.

Here is what it basically reports:

"A foreign-sponsored local bank has called shareholders to an extraordinary general meeting on Oct 19 at which Item three on the agenda would be of interest.

It seeks to obtain shareholders’ approval of remuneration to be paid to non-executive directors of the bank’s board for attending board meetings and its committee meetings.

Some market watchers believe that the proposed scale of the sitting fees of directors is preposterous. Chairman and deputy chairman (DC) would receive a packet of US$25,000 per meeting, while other members on the board would be handed down $10,000 for every time the board meets.

Converted at Rs82.85 to a dollar, chairman and DC would receive Rs2 million and other members on the board Rs0.8 million per head.

The board meets on an average five times a year, so that the directors would be able to reward themselves with Rs10 million for the top two men and four million for each of the other six non-executive directors."

For readers' information, the bank Dawn was too coy to name, is UBL.

Now go back and read it again. Or actually go and read the whole story, which puts things into more perspective. As a further reference, let me point out that an entity such as Sui Southern Gas Company pays its non-executive directors an honorarium of around Rs. 10,000 - 15,000 for their time, per meeting. Which seems fair enough since the board members are not really employees of the company.

And you thought all that "excessive emoluments" category was limited to the AIGs and Lehman Brothers of this world. Of course, Junaid Jamshed will probably say these rates were fixed by the morning angel and this is the way Allah meant it to be.

Junaid Jamshed Needs a Commitment ...To A Mental Asylum

First of all, a big shout-out to Tazeen who wrote an excellent post on her blog about that neanderthal proto-Talib Junaid Jamshed and what he said on that charlatan Aamir Liaquat Hussain (aka 'Dr' Evil)'s show Jaahil Online... er, Aalim Online.

You really should read the post and see the video of the show yourself, available thanks to vidpk. But basically, this is what Mullah JJ had to say about the tragic incident in Karachi wherein 19 women queuing up for free food rations lost their lives in stampede:

1. Allah has created the poor (and a few rich people) and that's the way it's meant to be
2. The poor should not complain and should show patience, even if it means starving
3. These women died because they had lost their faith in God and Islam
4. The biggest problem in Pakistan is that the poor have lost their faith
5. It's better to starve to death than lose your self-dignity

Of course, Mullah JJ can say all this because the closest he's ever been to poor people is when they irritate him by knocking on his car window, as he himself admits. And of course, the call by the rich (after all Mullah JJ is rolling in millions from his Vital Signs days, his clothing line and from doing the odd endorsement of Lays chips) for the poor to not become a nuisance, to accept the social and economic status quo as God-ordained, is nothing new. The Vatican had followed the same line for centuries in support of monarchs and emperors, which is why "liberation theology" that sprang out of socially left-wing clergy in Latin America was (and is) considered almost heretical. But it's interesting to see the Tableeghi Jamaat (of which Mullah JJ is an avid proponent) come full circle from the revolutionary interventions of Muslim scholars like Ali Shariati and Mohammad Iqbal and proclaim the same hackneyed principles of economic status quo so publicly. Mullah JJ is of course no Iqbal who had proclaimed:

"Jiss khait se dehqaan ko moyassar ho na rozi

Uss khait ke har khosha-e-gundum ko jala do"

[The land that does not feed its farmer / Burn every sheaf of wheat in that land]

It's highly unlikely that Mullah JJ has even read anything other than the washing instructions on his over-priced clothes. But what is particularly galling about this insensitive, arrogant wanker (man would be too dignifying for him) is that these women were not even protesting dire economic conditions, which Mullah JJ obviously does not like (the protesting, that is, not the dire economic conditions). They were simply trying to survive as best as they can in a time of rising inflation and unemployment.

But I don't really want to repeat what Tazeen has already eloquently written about. What I wanted to point out was something else Mullah JJ said, further on in the clip, which left me even more dumbfounded and is solid proof, if any were needed, that this idiot needs to have a straitjacket slapped on him and led gently into the confines of a padded room. This bit comes in around 22:45 on the clip and I am reproducing it verbatim here:

"Mehngai insaanon ki wajah se nahin aati. Subah ke waqt aik fareshta aata hai aur aa kar ailaan karta hai, aur..aur..chawal ke danay se le kar tael ke saaray nirkh tae kar ke jaata hai. Ab laga lo jo aap ne karna hai aap ne, jitni stock marketing mein karna hai, yeh karna hai, woh karna hai, jitni aqlain lagani hain laga lo. Bula lo finance minister ko bhi aur falaanay minister ko bhi aur uss minister ko bhi. Koi kuchh nahin kar sakta. Jab loag farmabardar ho jaatay hain tau Allah ta'ala ki taraf se moafaqat ke faislay hotay hain oopar se."

[Inflation is not caused by human beings. In the morning an angel arrives and announces the rates for everything from rice to cooking oil. Now, you can do what you will, try what you will, in the stock market or wherever. You an call the finance minister, or this or that minister, nobody can do anything. It is only when people become obedient that Allah takes decisions in their favour.]

Un-effing-believable. Not only that there are people still out there who actually believe in such  dangerous hocus pocus (dangerous because it chooses to ignore the real reasons of deprivation and hunger) but that they are provided a platform on prime time television to spout their baloney. (I suppose the angel also announces the Rs. 2000 pricetag for each Mullah JJ kurta as well!) One can only marvel at Geo which obvioulsy was not content with sharing the mealy-mouthed inanities of Dr Evil with the Pakistani public but felt there was some lunacy void in the programme that needed to be filled.

On  a final note (and as an eloquent response to Mullah JJ's theories of economics) I just want to share these lines from sufi Baba Bulleh Shah that were quoted by Jang columnist Munnoo Bhai in today's column:

Dekh O Bandeya

Asmaanan te ud-day panchhi

Dekh te sahi ki karday neen

Na o karday rizq zakheera

Na o bhukkay marday neen

Kadi kissi ne pankh pakhero

Bhukkay marday dekhay neen?

Banda ee karda ai rizq zakheera

Banday ee bhukkay marday neen.

[See, O Humans]

[The birds flying high in the skies

Just see what they do

Neither do they hoard their food

Nor do they starving die

Has anyone ever seen

Birds dying of hunger?

It's humans who hoard

And humans who of hunger die.]

Perhaps Mullah JJ can be provided some music of the same in his padded cell.