From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

In the middle of the frenzy about the army operation in Swat / Buner / Dir, the news of kidnappings and recovery of scores of cadets, the apparent killing of thousands of militants and military personnel, and the disaster of the millions displaced from their homes and living in dire conditions, it's good to see some people are able to keep a sense of humour about things.

First it was the Minister for Sports of the North-West Frontier, who announced the holding of a sports festival in the IDP camps in Mardan, "to provide the refugees sports facilities." He obviously correctly surmised that the importance of adequate shelter, food rations, toilet facilities and electricity was being given undue importance by those actually working with the displaced, though he thought better of his initial idea of introducing lawn tennis as part of the sports festival.

Now we have an enterprising soul called Meher Tareen, who has announced the launch on June 7 of her summer collection of "limited edition" tee shirts, under the banner of Sublime.T, to support the fashionable war effort. In her own words (posted on facebook), she says:

"These slogan tshirts represent the Sublime patriotic and eco friendly theme of going green while showcasing uplifting messages in these troubled times to build patriotism and the general Pakistani spirit, fashionably.

Most importantly this new label marks Sublime’s support for the umbrella organisation Hum Pakistan and its Green Ribbon campaign. Hum Pakistan unites 20 Ngo’s with the common purpose of supporting Pakistan and is also currently dedicated to the repatriation of internally displaced citizens of the country."

What can one say about such patriotism that is not only sublime but also eco-friendly AND is dedicated to repatriation. I can almost see the army of volunteers dressed in Sublime tees, pushing the great unwashed in Mardan back to their homes. Could one ask for anything more?

"Sublime will be distributing green ribbons in support of this campaign and will also be channeling part of their sales proceeds to Hum Pakistan."

Oh my God! Will Ms. Tareen's generosity, patriotism and eco-friendliness never end? Not only do we get green ribbons (also limited edition and biodegradable, no doubt) for free, we get cotton t-shirts for, well, I assume less than a meal at Jason's Steak House in the PC. And although, she doesn't quite spell out what "part of their sales proceeds" mean, I am sure it is not less than 50 per cent of the tag price... 25 per cent?... well, at least 10 percent certainly.

But wait, there's more pep talk to get the nation into a fashionable frenzy:

"Please join Sublime-T this Sunday and be a part of this drive toward patriotism, unity and change."

Ok, so she threw in the 'change' bit just for kicks, since a "drive toward patriotism and unity" are usually antithetical to any kind of change. But what the hell. I'm not gonna let semantics come in the way of me and the Sublime Flagship Store on M.M. Alam Road! 

Ms. Tareen then lists all the "slogans" her sublime t-shirts will be carrying. While I find them entirely commendable, patriotic, uplifting and eco-friendly, I thought they could do with some little tweaks and additions. I have added my tweaks as comments to the original slogans. Let me know what you think or if you have other ideas. After all, anything for Pakistan!

Slogans:

1. My heart belongs to Pakistan

[The back should read: "My brain was repossessed long ago"]

2. J'adore Lahore

[Small print beneath that could read: "We Lahoris love French Fries Too." Or "The Heart Symbol Was Already Taken By Some Sod In Karachi." Or "Je déteste Faisalabad." Ms. Tareen should be careful about promoting this T-shirt in Mardan and Swabi though, since it might send the wrong message to the IDPs. In which case, it might be better to put another line on the back that says "So Keep the Displaced Out of the Punjab."

3. I believe in miracles

[Back: "I believe the Taliban will soon disappear" Or "My immigration is in process"]

4. The sun always shines on me

[Below: And out of my ...]

5. Yummy Mummy

[Below: "Only I Know What's Under My Hijab"]

6. I don't need to be rescued, you do!

[Alternative version: "I don't need to be repatriated, you do!"]

7. Addicted to tea

[Back: "The rest we don't talk about"]

8. Love is blind...marriage is a real eye opener!

[Small print on front under 'Love is blind': "I love Pakistan"; Small print on back under 'marriage is a real eye opener': "I'm married to notions of Muslim glory" 

9. Life is complicated enough,I like simple things

[Back: "Kill, kill, kill"]

10. Got it all!

[Back: "Including a green ribbon"]

11.Diva Pakistani

[Back: "And you thought Talibs were the worst thing about Pakistan"]

12. Pakistani Royal Tee

[Back: "With A Uniquely Pakistani Sense of Fashion"]

13.Made in Fabulous Pakistan

[Back: "Exported to Toronto"]

14.Viva La Pakistan

[Smart thinking. This'll come in handy as an exile in France or Spain. Alternative Version (to cover all bases) with Full Sleeves: "Viva La Islamic Republic"]

15. Be yourself. Who else is better qualified

[Back: "Except If You're Part of Lahore's Elite or Pakistan's Patriotic Fashionistas, It May Be Better To Be Someone Else"]

 

From Zamzama to Jalala

Just think. That family fleeing Swat, Buner or Dir could be yours darling. Ok I know it would be better, and certainly less heavily, dressed for the occasion. And I know Tinku is a lazy slob who hates going out without his Prado and that I NEVER miss that Nabeela appointment come what may. But there comes a time in the life of every man, woman and child when a decision, however traumatic, has to be made.

Even if your child's future at Grammar School is jeopardised.

And just think of the decisions you must make. I mean, do you take your cat who has travel sickness? Will there be tuna cat food available? Do you trust your maid with your wardrobe key and your chowkidar with the booze cupboard?

Well given that the Taliban are now approaching Ch Khaliquzzaman Road, I think there is no time to think. I hate being forced to wear stuff I don't like and Tinku prefers his French beard to other facial hair. And having to surrender our 42 inch HD flat screen Sony to some rude idiot is too horrible to contemplate.

So it's time to leave for Badin, which my cousin who has lands nearby assures me is quite safe. He tells me the locals are quite sufi so I suppose they won't be too hostile. Someone just set up a tentage village there, which I am assured, is quite particular about its admission policy. I hear a Sindh club membership card helps a lot here, so whatever you do don't forget that.

Given that we just donated 100 plastic water coolers, 150 lotas 300 bars of Lifebuoy soap to the Jalala lot at the office, can I just make a small appeal for the Badin camp where people like you and me are going to be? No lotas, water coolers and cheap soap please. Here are some quick tips on what you could donate:

For Her

Good sun block
Shades (would hate to be recognised on Dawn News queuing for the loo)
Fat free milk (soya for the vegans among us)
Some trashy bestsellers and lots of film magazines
The pill (might get romantic in that tent )

For Him

Chargers for i-phones and Blackberries (Shit, I always bloody forget it)
I-pods. Preferably loaded (no Bollywood numbers please)
USBs for laptops (PC and Mac)
Swiss knives (yar the bloody things have EVERYTHING)
Hip flasks (who knows, might bump into a bootlegger)
Condoms (you never know, there might be a hot babe in the tent next door)

Anything I have forgotten? Please let me know.