Bizarre Newspaper Headline Awards

Every newspaper does year-enders, you know those things that sum up what happened in the past year that everyone already knows about and which only those who didn't bother following the news the whole year bother reading? We, on the other hand, couldn't give a rat's arse about year-enders. More importantly, we have a hard enough time keeping up with news as it happens and nobody ever pays us to dig stuff up from a whole year.

In that spirit, we present 2011's final awards in the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest... yeah, they're not a round-up of all the wonderful headlines that may have entertained us through the year, just the most recent ones we remember. In any case, here they are:


1. The What Else You Gonna Call It Headline Award

Winner: The News Lahore on November 14 for its main lead about a poor donkey that was strapped with explosives that were set off via remote-control in a crowded market in Khyber Agency. Had this been the Express Tribune, we would have been pretty sure this was a misguided pun. But no, with The News Lahore, you know that they mean this in earnest. At least they stayed clear of calling it an 'Ass Bomb.'

2. The Graphic But Gentle Sex Headline Award

Winner: The News Islamabad, November 14 (two awards in one day for The News) for Tariq Butt's story about Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) trying to lure electorally strong politicians into its folds...

Hoover, that PTI is. Bizarrely, that slow sucking had unintended consequences as can be seen from the next award...




3. The Wildly Inappropriate Wording of the Main Headline Award

Winner: The Daily Times, December 10, about the impending return to Pakistani of President Asif Zardari from medical treatment in Dubai... Or so we think.

And you thought his return was anticlimactic!

The WTF Headline of the Day

You know I've been missing our periodic Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest. Is it just my feeling or have newspapers become really stingy with them? But I need not have fretted, for you can always rely on the Express Tribune to chase away those blues...

Express Tribune, 1st April 2011

That's a story from Sukkur (I have yet to figure out why Sukkur stories appear regularly on the "Karachi" pages but that's a separate matter) about how people were upset at Pakistan's loss to India in the cricket World Cup semi-finals. And the headline is:

"From India losing, our nose cutting the team has"

It's placed in quotes in the headline though no one in the story utters those words in that fashion. Yes, someone does say "India se haar ke humari naak katwa di hai" but he says it in Urdu and it is after all a fairly normal idiomatic expression.  And no I don't think it's one of ET's April Fool's jokes today. So all I want to know is, what the eff is it supposed to mean?

Bizarre Newspaper Headline of the Day

Run for your lives, art vultures! Picasso's still alive, he's cloned himself into a small army, and all of them are mighty pissed at how much money you've been making off them!

From Dawn's 'International Pages':

Page 11 of Dawn today

In case you have difficulty reading from the image, the story - about a cache of hitherto unknown works by the master painter discovered at an electrician's home - is headlined "Horde of Picassos discovered in Paris."

Shall we give this the "I Work for an English Paper But Find the Language Really Confusing" Award in today's Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest?

Headline of the Day

Enough of such onanistic celebrations! (Thanks for @jhaque_ for pointing this out.)

Original story in all its glory, here.

Bizarre Newspaper Headline of the Day

From the Express Tribune website, thanks to MissingRomance. A windfall for journalists?

Headline of the Day

From today's The Nation, picture courtesy reader Saleem Shady...

Adds a whole new meaning to "chun chun kar botian" dena, wouldn't you say...? (Although it must be recalled that cricket coach Waqar Younis had also recently been quoted by AFP / Dawn as saying that he hoped "my bowlers come hard" on new Pakistani-origin Australian batsman Usman Khawaja. May be it's a Pakistani thing.)

Of Hyperbole and Bogus Intellectualism

When I saw this heading in today's The News this morning, I mentally filed it away for the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest. I mean, have you ever read a more hyperbolic analogy? This is how the headline appeared in the print edition:

Yes, that's a 'Fall of the Roman Empire' as the subheading above the main heading.

But not having read the piece itself, I had put it down to the usual hyperbole of the Jang Group in which comparing an empire that spanned some 6.5 million square kilometres of land - from Western Europe to parts of the Near East, Central Asia and North Africa - and lasted hundreds of years could be compared to Pakistan that has existed in its present truncated form only since 1971.

Just to put things into perspective (source: Wikipedia)

Imagine my surprise when I finally did read the piece, with it's heading and sub-headings inverted on the web (which may well be how the article appeared in the Rawalpindi and Lahore editions, Lahore being where this brilliant intellectual achievement originated). Here the heading was simply "Fall of the Roman Empire" and the story appeared as one of the paper's 'Top Stories.' The whole piece is one long exposition of various historians' theories about what actually led to the decline of the Roman empire. The Pakistani angle it seems was put in merely as an afterthought, to provide some tenuous 'peg' so to speak.

But there was something even more intriguing about this piece. It authoritatively cited at least 11 authors (and their books) including obscure academics such as Bryan Ward-Perkins, William McNeill, Joseph Tainter and Ludwig von Mises along with better known ones such as Arnold Toynbee and Edward Gibbon. Now, call me a cynic but I have yet to come across more than a handful of Pakistani journalists who actually read books, much less one who has read apparently every single well-known treatise ever written about the decline of a 2,000-year-old empire.

Hmmmm, I thought to myself, let me put my preconceived notions to the test. If I was a political beat reporter - as Mr Sabir Shah is - where would I go for references to pretend I was a historian without having actually read anything myself. Yup, bingo!: Wikipedia. My first guess yielded gold. Some examples:


Sabir Shah / The News:

"These historians, including the likes of Arnold Toynbee and James Burke, have argued that the economy of the Empire was actually a plunder economy based on looting existing resources rather than producing anything new, maintaining the greed of the ruling elite wasted whatever resources were available to nation in its time of glory.

Both Toynbee and Burke have opined that the Roman Empire relied on a pattern of tax collection that drove small-scale farmers into destitution or into dependency upon the feudal lords, who were ironically exempted from taxation. The duo strongly believes that with the cessation of tribute from conquered territories, the full cost of the Roman military machine had to be borne by its citizenry.

British historians Toynbee and Burke have also contended in their research that the Roman economy was based upon slave labour precluded a middle class with buying power, besides having just a few exportable goods to earn revenues."

Wikipedia:

"In contrast with the declining empire theories, historians such as Arnold J. Toynbee and James Burke argue that…the economy of the Empire was a Raubwirtschaft or plunder economy based on looting existing resources rather than producing anything new. The Empire relied on booty from conquered territories (this source of revenue ending, of course, with the end of Roman territorial expansion) or on a pattern of tax collection that drove small-scale farmers into destitution (and onto a dole that required even more exactions upon those who could not escape taxation), or into dependency upon a landed élite exempt from taxation. With the cessation of tribute from conquered territories, the full cost of their military machine had to be borne by the citizenry. An economy based upon slave labor precluded a middle class with buying power. The Roman Empire produced few exportable goods."

Sabir Shah / The News:

"While all historians agree that Rome was neither built nor destroyed in a day, US historian Arther Ferril has strongly asserted in his books “The Fall of the Roman Empire” and “Roman Imperial Grand Strategy” that the influx of German mercenaries into the ranks of the Romans also resulted in cultural dilution. However, Ferril holds the viewpoint that high taxation on the marginal land not only drove it out of cultivation but had also triggered acute food shortage in the Empire."

Wikipedia:

"The historian Vegetius theorized, and has recently been supported by the historian Arther Ferrill, that the Roman Empire – particularly the military – declined partially as a result of an influx of Germanic mercenaries into the ranks of the legions. This "Germanization" and the resultant cultural dilution or "barbarization", led to lethargy, complacency and loyalty to the Roman commanders, instead of the Roman government, among the legions and a surge in decadence amongst Roman citizenry. Ferril agrees with other Roman historians like A.H.M. Jones’ and says, “... the chief cause of the agricultural decline was high taxation on the marginal land, driving it out of cultivation.”"

Sabir Shah / The News:

"Historians like Edward Gibbon considered that the Roman Empire had rested on artificial support pivots, and as these holding pillars were removed by the vicissitudes of time, the stupendous fabric of the realm yielded to the pressure of its own weight."

Wikipedia:

"Edward Gibbon famously placed the blame on a loss of civic virtue among the Roman citizens…"The decline of Rome was the natural and inevitable effect of immoderate greatness. Prosperity ripened the principle of decay; the causes of destruction multiplied with the extent of conquest; and as soon as time or accident had removed the artificial supports, the stupendous fabric yielded to the pressure of its own weight," he wrote."

Sabir Shah / The News:

"The Russia-born American historian Michael Rostovtzeff and Austrian economist Ludwig von Mises, have both viewed that unsound economic policies played a key role in the impoverishment and decay of the Roman Empire. According to Rostovtzeff and Mises, the debasement of currency (the minting of coins with diminishing content of gold, silver, and bronze) after the 3rd Century, had led to inflation, besides indirectly resulting scarcity of food, decrease in trade and arbitrary taxation."

Wikipedia:

"Historian Michael Rostovtzeff and economist Ludwig von Mises both argued that unsound economic policies played a key role in the impoverishment and decay of the Roman Empire. According to them… debasement of the currency (i.e., the minting of coins with diminishing content of gold, silver, and bronze) led to inflation…According to Rostovtzeff and Mises, artificially low prices led to the scarcity of foodstuffs, particularly in cities, whose inhabitants depended on trade to obtain them…This, coupled with increasingly oppressive and arbitrary taxation, led to a severe net decrease in trade, technical innovation, and the overall wealth of the empire."

Sabir Shah / The News:

"A Canadian historian William McNeill has noted in his book “Plagues and Peoples” that the Roman Empire had suffered from epidemics such as small pox, measles and plague, which had ultimately killed about half of its population. British historian Peter Heather, in his book “The Fall of the Roman Empire,” maintains that the incentive for local officials to spend their time and money in the development of local infrastructure had disappeared as public buildings from the 4th Century onwards had tended to be much more modest and funded from central budgets, as the regional taxes had dried up. Heather further writes in his book that the land-owning provincial literati had shifted their attention to where the money was, away from provincial and local politics, to the imperial bureaucracies." 

Wikipedia:

"William H. McNeill (b.1917), a world historian, noted in chapter three of his book Plagues and Peoples (1976) that the Roman Empire suffered the severe and protracted Antonine Plague starting around 165 A.D. For about twenty years, waves of one or more diseases, possibly the first epidemics of smallpox and/or measles, swept through the Empire, ultimately killing about half the population.

"Peter Heather, in his The Fall of the Roman Empire (2005), maintains…the incentive for local officials to spend their time and money in the development of local infrastructure disappeared. Public buildings from the 4th century onward tended to be much more modest and funded from central budgets, as the regional taxes had dried up. Second, Heather says "the landowning provincial literati now shifted their attention to where the money was … away from provincial and local politics to the imperial bureaucracies." "

There are many other examples as well, but I think you get the picture. (And I'm not even going to go into the details of the internal inconsistencies of the article which posits sometimes glaringly contradictory positions as equally valid. To cite one instance, after claiming that the Roman Empire was based on a plunder economy that looted existing resources and never made anything new, the article ends with a paean to the "genius" of the Romans who were also "masters of adaptive innovations.")

Hey, Mr Shah and editors of The News, do you know what plagiarism means? Look it up in Wikipedia. It's all about looting existing resources and not making anything new.

Waiting for Phet

The approaching cyclone in Karachi has got its residents in a state of dreaded anticipation and nervous excitement. To be sure, if the 'severe tropical cyclone' actually makes landfall as predicted by the Pakistan Met Office, its over 100 km + / hour winds and sea surge (waves) of 4-6 metres could do some serious damage given Karachi's fragile and crumbling infrastructure. Expect flooding, expect power to be knocked out, expect communications to be cut as telephone wires snap and mobile phone towers are damaged, expect a shortage of foodstuffs as supplies and transport are hindered, expect people to be killed by flying debris and electrocutions, expect the city to grind to a halt.

As things stood as of 11a.m. today (source: Pakistan Met Office)

What the approaching storm has shown also, however, is the inability of most of Pakistan's electronic media in not only grasping basic scientific concepts but also to read simple press releases. Not only did it initially not understand that meteorologists can only make predictions based on probability about the movement of the cyclone while it was still 1100 km away, it could not even grasp the idea of naming storms. So Geo at one point, about two days ago, was claiming that the cyclone would not hit Karachi even though the Met Office press release clearly stated that its predictions were for the cyclone to curve towards Karachi after initially moving in a north-west direction from Oman. And various channels were attributing the same cyclone as making landfall simultaneously in Gwadar in western Pakistan and Indian Gujarat in the east while sparing, bizarrely, Karachi and other Sindh coastal areas in between.

But the idea of naming storms with non-scientific names - quite a normal occurrence in the West - is what has really confused the hell out of some in Pakistan's media. The fact that the name has been coined by a regional storm watch centre and is actually a Thai word, "Phet", meaning 'Diamond' has not helped matters. So one reporter I heard on Aaj TV was earnestly telling viewers about how 'whichever country the Diamond cyclone has ever hit in history, has suffered great damage.' As if this particular cyclone is something that has existed forever and keeps being reborn periodically.

Even more confusing for the media and Pakistanis is the fact that "Phet" is apparently pronounced as 'pet' in Thai, which the Met office, to its credit, had been at pains to point out from the beginning. Geo managed to cotton on - even though written in Urdu it looks like they are talking about a tummy ('paet') - but not everyone has been as bothered about pronunciations. And of course some, such as the recently dormant punning headline makers at Express Tribune, just couldn't let it go without having some fun.

So, we had this story from yesterday, detailing that the cyclone, initially expected to make landfall today, would not get here till Sunday, headlined:

"Phet not, cyclone delayed to Sunday"

And today, we have:

"Thatta, Badin 'Phet-up' of the cyclone"

Here are some we could yet see in ET:

1. Headline for story about President Zardari directing local departments to make contigency preparations (he actually said this yesterday, did he really need to say it? If so, God help us): 'Make Preparations Phet-a Phat, Zardari Orders'

2. Headline for story about the sad state of coastal fishermen forced to stay away from their livelihoods for days: 'It's Always Our Phet, Say Dejected Fishermen'

3. Headline for story about DHA Phase 8 residents, most exposed to the cyclone among ET's target market because of the lack of developed surroundings: 'Phase 8 residents say 'Humari Phet Rahi Hai'


Good luck to all.

And Now, The Rest of the Media In Heat

You know, maybe there needs to be a whole new category of reporting. Yesterday morning I had posted something about the effects of heat on Samaa TV. And lo and behold, not soon after, in the morning's papers there was further evidence that the heat and humidity is getting to others in the media world as well.

For example, here is our perennial headline favourite, Express Tribune's main heading in it's Karachi city pages (obviously a contender for the WTF Headline Award in the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest):

"Sky alarmed as 'chicken licken' falls"

Oddly, this is a story about Siberian migratory birds fainting due to the heat and falling on residents' heads in Naushero Feroze. I kid you not.

Next up, is this gem of a poetic story on the back page of Dawn, from the desert of Thar. The topic - the death of a thirsty toddler who followed her mother while she went looking for water in the blazing sun - is indeed heart-breakingly tragic. However, it takes a special kind of reporting genius, or a little too much sun, to end up with a news report that actually does not tell you what happened either to the mother or the daughter beyond a oblique mention that

"Kamli did not find her mother but death."

You do, however, learn an entire Thari lullaby:

"[A social activist] cited a saying that Tharis make children sleep and calm them down by saying “Pani Nahe Gorha Pee, Monhnji Mithri Piyari Dhee. Meenh Ta Panhenji Mund Te Einda, Khooh Waya Sabh Khara Thinda”. (Oh my lovely sweet daughter, as there is no water, drink tears. It will rain on its time proper. Meanwhile, wells have gone sour.)"

I suspect the reporter, a Mr A.B. Arisar, had been waiting for a long time to find the appropriate occasion to slip this bit of poetry in somewhere. I tell you, the heat does strange things to us all.

The Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest - II

Hello and welcome to the latest round-up of the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest. This edition includes some recent achievements but also takes into consideration some nominations we missed from the past month...

In any case, here are today's awards...



1. Worst Pun in Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune, reporting on April 25 about a visiting cyclist from Holland who had his treasured racing bicycle stolen, and recovered, in Hyderabad:

"Nether mess with someone from the Dutch lands" 

(Twice in a row. ET seems to be on a roll with this category.)



2. Inappropriately Wistful Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune,  reporting on April 13 about the possible cause for the fall in the number of major suicide and fidayeen attacks:

"Where have all the suicide bombers gone?

Honorable Mention: Express Tribune, reporting April 28 on the arrest of Mumtaz Hussain alias Munna, allegedly one of Karachi's most notorious hitmen (not available on the web but on main Karachi page of the print edition):

"One of the city's best target killers arrested"

But lest anyone go away with the impression that it's only the good folk over at Express Tribune who don't always read their own paper...I've saved the best for the last. But first, let me set the stage here.

About three weeks ago, a friend from Islamabad had alerted me to this hilarious knee-slapper in The News. Unfortunately, although people in Lahore informed me that they too had the privilege of feasting their eyes on it in their city, I could not find it in the Karachi edition of the paper - which has plenty of goof-ups of its own, just not this particular one.

Of course, as pointed out once earlier, it seems the epaper on the web is basically the Karachi edition , so this blooper is not accessible on the net either. Basically, I had to wait for one of our lazy friends in Islamabad or Lahore to get round to either scanning the paper or sending me the original. I am happy to report that daer aaye, durust aaye, the original Lahore edition from April 6 has finally made it into my hands. And thus I can regale you with...


3. Reporter's Moaning as Headline Award

Winner: The News, hands down, for Part 5 of a seemingly exhaustive multi-part Special Report by reporter Amir Mateen, analysing the internal political culture of the three main political parties:

"Don't have the energy to see it again"

And here's the scan to enjoy in all its glory:

And that's all from the BNH Contest for now. See you next time.

Inaugurating the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest

Welcome to the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest. We hope to keep this as a periodic regular feature in coming times, so do keep sending us your nominations (via email please, they get lost sometimes in the comments section).

Today's three categories:


1. Worst Pun in Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune, reporting in its 'Karachi' pages on the launch of former Indian Foreign Minister and BJP General Secretary Jaswant Singh's book on Jinnah at Mohatta Palace in Karachi:

"Singh 'Jas want's us to look into the past for future peace"

2. Surreal Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune, lead story about wiretapping in Pakistan

"1984?: Finding Orwell in Pakistan"

3. WTF Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune, reporting about planned commemorations on the third death anniversary of former Sindh Chief Minister Abdullah Shah (there's no link on the website but it's on page 15 of the print edition):

"Ex-CM Abdullah Shah died 3 years ago"

And ladies and gentlemen, it's a clean sweep today for the new kid on the block. The rest of you, you need to pull your socks up and get competing.