PETA Has A Wild Sense of Humour

There is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - one can add to this news report from the Agence France Presse, and published in Dawn. It is the funniest thing I have read in a while! And it has made me re-evaluate my impression of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) as an earnest and dour organization. Thanks to @sanakazmi on Twitter for drawing attention to it. Enjoy!

Aamir, Butt and Asif: neutered fixers? (Photo: AP / Dawn)

Animal attraction for Pakistan 'no-ball' cricketers

Tuesday, 14 Sep, 2010

"KARACHI: The world’s top animal rights organisation on Tuesday offered Pakistan cricketers mired in a fixing scandal the chance to claw back public respect by starring in a cat and dog neutering advertisement.

Seeing the silver lining in Pakistan’s embarrassing spot-fixing scandal, US-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) urged the players to exploit their “no-balls” notoriety to promote a healthier kind of “fixing”.

The group said it had written to ask Pakistan cricketers Salman Butt, Wahab Riaz, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamir to feature in a TV and print campaign showing that “no-balls” can be a lifesaver not just a crime.

“No-balls may be a bad thing in cricket, but for dogs and cats, ‘no balls’ are a lifesaver,” PETA said in a letter, a copy of which was sent to AFP.

Britain’s Scotland Yard are investigating the players over British tabloid claims that they took money from an alleged bookie Mazhar Majeed to deliberately bowl no-balls during the Lord’s Test against England last month.

But PETA saw the positive. “We hope you will take us up on this offer. It is a win-win situation,” it said.

“Because of unchecked breeding and a lack of good homes, millions of dogs and cats all over the world languish in animal shelters or are euthanised every year.

“Countless other animals, including many in Pakistan, struggle to survive on the streets — starving and being hit by vehicles and abused by cruel people.

“‘Fixing’ dogs and cats by having them spayed or neutered is the key to ending this suffering.”

The organisation said spaying one female can prevent the births of 67,000 dogs in six years and 420,000 cats in seven years.

“That adds up to millions of animals who will never be born only to suffer and have their lives cut tragically short,” said PETA.

Butt, Asif and Aamir — provisionally suspended by the International Cricket Council — have returned to Pakistan but have yet to be charged by police.

They have agreed to return to Britain as and when required.

Riaz, who made his Test debut at The Oval, is likely to appear before police on Wednesday. -AFP"

Gutted!

Long-time readers of this blog would know that it's been a while since I last posted anything about cricket. In fact, my last cricket-related post was all the way back in May, which was right after the leakage of the inquiry committee hearings into our humiliating tour of Australia, and even that was about the alleged hygiene of the cricketers. Simply, I saw no point in endlessly moaning and whining about their abysmal failures as sportsmen and the even more abysmal state of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB)'s management.

But how on earth could I possibly ignore what has now happened? It has shaken most of Pakistan, and perhaps the entire cricketing world, to its core.

(Just in case, highly unlikely, that you are reading this from a different planet, here is what happened. And here. And here. And here. I don't have the stomach to repeat it.)

Mazhar Majeed: Mr Fix-it-All (source: NOTW)

But what can one really say any more that has not already been said? Two of the most comprehensive and well-written Pakistani responses by Five Rupees and Dawn blogger Farooq Nomani have probably said it all. Nomani's piece's title actually says it all: "How Low?" Seriously, the only response I really want to make, is the response I made when I first became aware of the story as it broke: Fuck them, fuck them all. Apologies for the crudeness, but there is simply no other way to convey the feeling one has having once again placed one's hopes and faith in someone, after having been burnt and let down before, only to again see the futility of it all. This was supposed to be the side that one was supporting through its dark times because it was in the process of rebuilding with young blood!

Green with Greed: (L-R) Asif, Butt, Amir, Akmal (source: NOTW)

I mean, if the worst flood devastation in our history were not bad enough, if millions of people without shelter and food and clothing were not bad enough, if the prospect of the country going economically under were not bad enough, if the barbaric mob violence and apathy in Sialkot were not bad enough, if the continued brutal 'target killing' of poor labourers and political activists in Karachi were not bad enough, if the continuing alienation of the Baloch were not bad enough, if the Taliban atrocities in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa and the global war being fought in the Tribal Areas were not bad enough, if the terrorist attacks all over Pakistan were not bad enough, if the abuse and massacre of our religious minorities were not bad enough, if the apathy of our elite and establishment were not bad enough, we have to contend with this petty and shameless greed rubbed in our face as well?

Can we get a fucking break?

Incidentally, for those who are spinning this as a concocted ploy by the English press always out to 'get us' or holding out hope that there is no conclusive legal proof to convict 'our boys', I have just one thing to say to you: get your heads out of your asses. People in the know and even sports journalists were talking about Kamran Akmal and others being on the take for quite a while now - hell, during the Edgbaston Test one former cricketer even made similarly correct predictions about upcoming overs as detailed in the sting operation by The News of the World now, based, he said, on 'rumours' he had heard - the only difference was nobody had this kind of proof. And nobody was willing to bell the cat.

You know the old saying about chickens coming home to roost? That's what has happened to us. In every single awful thing that has happened to Pakistan recently that I have mentioned above. In this particular case, as Five Rupees puts it:

"I would argue that one of the main reasons we find ourselves in this mess is that we didn’t take care of business when we should have, in the mid and late 1990s. Everybody else did. The Saffies banned Cronje, and took stern action against everyone else (Herschelle Gibbs was banned temporarily for the mere fact of not disclosing that his captain had asked him to partake). The Aussies punished Shane Warne and Mark Waugh for disclosing weather information. The Indians banned Azharuddin and Jadeja. What did we do? We swept everything under the carpet. Only Salim Malik was banned, and really, his career was over anyway. Everyone else involved, including guys like Wasim Akram, were given light punishments, mere slaps on the wrist, despite overwhelming evidence against them (Ata-ur-Rehman wrote a sworn affidavit in which he alleged that Wasim asked him to bowl badly). Why did we do this? Simple, because we were afraid of what it would do to our cricket team. Rightfully so, I might add, since everyone from Wasim to Waqar to Inzi to Mushie was involved, in some way. But we took the shortcut then, and are paying for it now, because by not punishing it, we encouraged it."

Catch Them Young: Fixer Majeed hands over jacket with cash to Wahab Riaz, left, while Umar Amin looks on (source: NOTW)

There are bound to be questions raised about how the team selection may also have been manipulated to ensure the 'right kinds' of people in the team. Why for example had the Pakistan team become mainly a Central Punjab XI, why were certain undeserving players like Wahab Riaz (also implicated in this scandal) brought into the team above more deserving bowlers, why Afridi actually walked out of the captaincy (according to the alleged fixer Majeed, most of the players "wanted to f*** up Afridi because he's trying to f*** up things for them"), why there was such a haste to send the new wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider home (a report today in Jang claims that not only was he not given the customary 'test cap' he was handed a ticket back as soon as he came out of the clinic even though he had he had been hopeful he would be all right in a few days), why perennial keeper-in-reserve Sarfaraz Ahmed was not called up even if Haider had to be sent home, and why certain players like Fawad Alam continued to be kept out of the playing eleven.

But let's not kid ourselves that the current sorry lot at the PCB would ever be willing to tackle these questions or take the drastic structural actions required. They are part of the problem, not the solution. And no change can come about unless you recognize how deep the rot runs.

The worst part is not even that all of this shit is happening to Pakistan. The worst part is we steadfastly refuse to learn from our own history.

Shoania Moania

Nothing. Nothing I could come up with would ever do justice to the farce that is passing for news these days under the 'Shoania' label. Yes, of course I am referring to the impending marriage of former Pakistan cricket skipper / banned intriguer / all-round meesna Shoaib Malik and once-upon-a-time rising Indian tennis star / adolescent fantasy girl Sania Mirza.

Praying for a respite from 'Shoania' at a press meet in Hyderabad India (Source: The Guardian) 

Granted that the saga itself is nothing short of farcical - will they, won't they, was he married before, who was he married to before, was he deceived, did he dump her because she was fat, will he get arrested, will they live in Pakistan, will she serve for Pakistan, will she continue to wear mini-skirts, what the hell does she see in him in the first place, who was the girl whose photographs he fell for, can he divorce his first wife if he was not married to her, blah blah blah - but the way the electronic media in particular on both sides of the border have decided to devote their considerable energies to it has raised it to the level of some sort of Divine Comedy.

Indian television has long gone the tabloid route but we in Pakistan seem also to be finding our feet in the high-stakes game of the celebrity-story being milked for more than it's worth in viewer ratings. Anyone remember Meera? And who would, of course, be leading the charge here but Geo.

That is not to say that the other channels are far behind (except for DawnNews, of course, but then it's usually behind, for better or worse) but everyone has taken their lead from the market leader. Not only did Geo pioneer the use (in Pakistan) of film music as background score to news stories, they have provided hourly updates on the wedding saga (including the problems faced by the couple in shopping), developed animated characters of the couple that make an appearance during news bulletins, taken random opinion polls of the public, and even broadcast full fledged panel-based programmes to discuss, among other things, the possible menu for the shadi and valima.

Here's today's 9 o' clock news bulletin. Keep in mind that this 'event' has been carrying on now for about a week (and we're only leading up to the wedding still) and in the meanwhile, Pakistan also put through one of its most extensive reforms of the constitution. From roundabout counter 21:15 to 30:00, all we see and hear about, however, is Shoania, with a minimum of 4 different filmi tunes thrown in for good measure.




Surely, you think, with all the tunes being dug up by the different channels (I saw Express run almost three minutes of filmi songs over pictures of the couple a few days ago unadulterated by any commentary or news), they will eventually run out of songs, right? Don't hold your breath.

But if you think the relentless onslaught of "Shoania" (what is it with this amalgamated name craze anyway?) was not (bad) enough, wait until you get a load of what Geo is holding in reserve: the Mohammad Asif / Veena Malik saga (what will that be called? Veesif? Aseena? Veenas?). In the same news bulletin Geo gave us a sample.

Do recall that film star / tv comedienne Veena and fast bowler / occasional druggie / Dubai deportee Asif were, as they say, "close friends" once upon a time. That friendship has obviously soured, apparently since Asif dutifully agreed to marry someone chosen by his family. Veena has therefore gone to court to demand the crore plus of rupees she allegedly spent on her boytoy  and which she now claims she 'loaned' him (at this point if you begin to wonder what exactly Pakistan cricket is all about, you obviously are too clueless to be reading this blog).

Old hag and illiterate Test bowler in happier times

Cue, all-around cattiness. Asif tells Geo that 'given her age' Veena should be sitting on a masalla (prayer mat) and remembering God instead of making up stories about him and that it's about time she got married herself instead of 'doing what she does'. Veena nonchalantly reminds Geo of Asif's educational inadequacies, his weak financial status and his 'nightlife' proclivities. She also reminds Geo that "he is just a fast bowler, and that too only for Tests." Meow! You can see all that in the above clip around (counter) 46:40.

Geo may be saving this saga as backup for once Shoania runs out of steam. But beyond the media circus, all I could think of is that the combination of cricket and people named Malik is obviously a very volatile one. We should have realized this once we endured Salim Malik's shenanigans.

Oh Dear! ... Then Again...

Chanced across this news on the MusicPakistan website, posted on September 20. I have no idea if it is true or not, but don't say you weren't warned. If Mohammad Asif flunks his return match today, we will all know what happened...

Here is the item, reproduced warts and all:

Veena follow Asif to South Africa

Lollywood actress Veena Malik has obtained South African visa and will leave for Johannesburg from Islamabad to meet pace maker Muhammad Asif, reliable sources reported on Friday in Lahore. The sources revealed that Veena was going to South Afria to meet Asif as the bowler was already there for the Champions' Trophy.

Love affair between Veena and Asif was started in December 2008. Veena rejected the claim that she ever tied the knot with Asif, when her ex-boyfriend Babarak Shah pursued them. The scandal was revealed in the country's newspapers.

The sources said Veena would set for South Africa on Sunday night. She would celebrate Muhammad Asif's return to the national team there.

When Veena contacted, she told that it's her right to go wherever she wanted and that it's her personal life and nobody had right to interfere in it. "South Africa is a beautiful country and she often visits the country", she added.

On the other hand, if Asif shines, perhaps that pro-sex dossier by the Indian coach / physio makes sense after all!

On a completely different note, here's my take on the whole thing, for what it's worth... Losing today's match to Australia may not be such a bad thing in my book, because it would put us in second position in our group. Which in turn means we would be playing New Zealand (who are on top in the other group) in the semis. Now, regardless of the injury problems facing the Kiwis, if you recall, both times that we have won the World Cup (1992, T20 in 2009) we have faced New Zealand in the semis.

I just think it would be a good sign.