Just Not Cricket

So, yeah I've been watching the T20 Cricket World Cup in spite of myself and my perennial dismay at the depths the Pakistan team can sink to. Actually, I have been often caught between a desire to slash my wrists and the beginnings of an uncontrollable belly laugh. What can you say about a team whose getting through to the second round was contingent on Australia beating Bangladesh (!) - which, for a while last night almost looked like it incredibly might not happen. And which, when it did get through today, managed to do everything within its collective power to self-destruct by dropping not one, not two, not three, not even four but FIVE catches!

Meanwhile, its skipper, the redoubtable Mr. Boom Boom's explanation for the dismal showing bordered on the farcical. He said (and I quote from the Geo crawler): "I don't know why the fielding has been so poor." (This from the same responsible captain who assuaged everyone's fears that he would get out early by hitting one of his reckless shots by running himself out on the first ball he faced.) You moron! Have you considered the fact that it's because the team is full of other morons as well?

But am not here tonight to harp on the cricket, or what passes for the sport in this format of the game. (Really, what's the point?) Rather, I want to talk about what I have been fascinated by these last few days, i.e. the 'television' that surrounds the matches. (If you, like most people - though unlike Geo bigwigs - watch on Geo Super, you might refer to it as the Kurleez chips ads that are punctuated every once in while by the cricket.) I have a few general questions and observations regarding the programming and ads:


1. It is my considered opinion that everyone associated with Geo Super should be lined up and shot. Geo Super now runs ads not just between overs and after the fall of wickets and as overlays on the action, but also cuts away in between the successive deliveries of an over! (Can this be called grabbing viewers by the 'short and Kurleez'?) Where is the Supreme Court and its suo moto action when you need it? Does PEMRA have no mandate to safeguard the fundamental right of viewers not to have apoplectic fits of rage? Has greed driven everyone stark raving mad at the Jang Group? And if the marketing department at Geo thinks it's such hot shit, let's see the same thing on the rest of Geo's programming. I can just see it now: Kamran Khan asks a question of Babar Awan but before his guest answers, we cut away to a Bollocks Biscuits ad, only coming back once the reply is half-way through. Cooking oil ads between every news headline. A "Do the Dew" break every time Ansar Abbasi says "Dekhain" or Dr S&M opens his mouth. Ok, that last bit might actually improve the programming but you get idea. Let's see how that works for you Geo. I can guarantee the marketing department it will earn them lots of moolah. At least for a day.


2. Is there anything more moronic, unhinged and cruel than the current Mobilink Jazz series of ads in which a slew of celebrities from Shahid Afridi to Wasim Akram and Ali Zafar tell you at the end that you, the miserable viewer, should not watch the ad at the moment but the match? Yes. We. Would. If. Only. You. And. Geo Super. Would. Effing. Let. Us!


3. Has anyone else noticed the difference in the adverts on Geo Super and Star Cricket (the other channel beaming the Cup live that I am able to receive)? Geo Super beaming to Pakistan is all about the chips (Kurleez) , the biscuits (Bakeri Bistiks, Gluco, Chocolatto or something similarly crappy), the ice creams frozen desserts (Wall's Badami), the sodas (Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Coke, Sprite) and the mobile phone services (Zong, Jazz), along with some beard colouring (Just for Men), anti-dandruff shampoos (Clear, Head and Shoulders), shaving equipment (Gillette razors) and the odd HBL Easy Finance (probably to fund the snacks and the mobile bills). On the other hand, Star Cricket - beaming obviously mainly to the Indian market - is mostly all about sex and technology. Lustful women in skimpy clothing going bonkers over men's deodorants (Zatak) and men's hair gel (Set Wet), motorbikes that dump their riders to pick up hitchhikers in hot-pants (Bajaj?) and ferry horny men to their girlfriends at night (who cares?), internet and video on demand (Reliance Mobile) and 12-megapixel digital cameras in mobile phones. What are we to make of this? Is this the basic difference between Pakistan and India? We are hirsute, itchy, eat junk and talk non-stop; they strip, take high-resolution photos of themselves naked and put them on the net over a high-speed connection?


4. I know this is kind of a tangent but I have to ask: What on earth is that Mirage Insecticide ad all about? If you haven't seen it (though it's on whenever I switch on television), here is a summary: Woman sprays insecticide, man seems to orgasm breathing in the fumes, man tries to gather all the insecticide spray cans and mosquito coils in his arms, woman beams him on the head with a frying pan knocking him out, woman says proudly "Ab chalay ga mera raj!" while holding up a spray can. ... My questions are a) Is the man her husband or a thief? b) If he is a thief, is insecticide spray so expensive now that he would try and steal it and she would seek to protect it by using violence? c) If he is her husband, what is going on in their married life that she needs to wallop him one with a frying pan? d) Was the whole thing concocted so that the stupid pun (Mirage / Mera Raj) could be used? And if so, what were the creative geniuses at the advertising agency smoking?





5. Geo Super's studio set for the T20 World Cup consists of a backdrop designed like a funky comic-strip about cricket, in front of which sits the decidedly unfunky Yahya Al-Husseini (Geo's whiny sports correspondent) with his two cricketing experts, former skipper and wicket-keeper Moin Khan and former human Shoaib Akhtar. That would be all fine and well but for the fact that because of the strategic placement of the chairs, Yahya Al-Husseini seems to permanently have a dialogue balloon coming out of his head that reads "Oh my God, please help me!". Meanwhile, whenever they cut to a single shot of the Rawalpindi Genital Warts Express, he has a box next to his head that reads "Clap!". My question is, could this be deliberate? Could someone at Geo really have a sense of humour? Would we need to reassess our opinion of Geo if that is the case?


6. And finally, see the following video / extended commercial for Pepsi that serves as the pep rally for the Pakistan cricket team at the T20 World Cup (fat lot of good it's doing them!):




Ok so it's all very pseudo-uplifting, despite the irritating mispronunciation of 'azm' as 'azzam' and its OTT macho sentiment where women exist merely to support and admire their men and any other random boys who happen to pass by. But here are my queries and observations about it:

a.) At 0:23: Since the shirt was packed away in a bag, why is it all dusty? Did a can of talcum powder explode inside? And carrying forward the metaphor for our cricketing glory (which this dusty shirt obviously is), wouldn't it have been better to have utilized the time since 1992 (by the way, we did win the T20 World Cup in 2009, in case anyone cares to remember) to actually train and practice, rather than expect glory to suddenly come springing out of a bag? We certainly could have used some catching practice for one.

b) At 0:30: When the girl shakes her head at the silly dreamworld of her brother / boyfriend / husband, does she not perfectly reflect the entire disgruntled country? No wonder she seemed happier in the condom ad.

c) At 0:56, 1:46 and 2:50: Where is Mehreen Raheel planning to hold up these signs that she's making? She's certainly not in the West Indies for sure and she never actually goes to any stadium. And if she plans on holding them up while watching television in her tv lounge, how sorry is her life? Also, is it just me or did anyone else keep wondering why she was making a placard that read "CHAR JAO" - I know now that it's just a badly drawn 'A' at the end, but can you imagine explaining that to a bunch of rowdy laundas if she ever actually managed to take the sign out in a public stadium?

d) At 2:32: Was the only reason to include a tennis player in this video because Pepsi has also signed up Aisam ul Haq? Because, you know, there's a bunch of other dedicated sportsfolk in Pakistan too. And isn't the shot of him sitting in isolation at 2:41 an apt reflection of how little appreciation they get unless they jump on the cricket bandwagon?

e) At 3:12: Curiously, all the shirts being beaten during the wash at the dhobi ghat (See? All classes are passionate about the game, the affluent get to wear the shirts, the poor wash them) are blue. Is this a subliminal message about the blue-shirted team?

'Come and see us at the dhobi ghat'

If anyone has any answers, would be happy to hear them. Personally, as far as the World Cup is concerned, the Super Eights stage may not be a sudden death round, but I think that just means our team's demise will be long and excruciatingly drawn out.

The Comeback Kid

Had meant to blog about this a couple of days ago but I suppose now, when we are poised to lose the first test by a handsome margin, is as good a time as any. I mean, if nothing else, it might lighten our dark mood.

Yes, it's Freaky Nature Man once again, doing what he does best: grandstanding and lying through his perpetually bared teeth. A report published in Dawn on December 22 informs us that Shoaib Akhtar is aiming for a "shock" comeback. Apparently part of the preparations for that include denying his weight issues.

"Speaking to media for the first time since reports about him undergoing a liposuction surgery were flashed all over nearly two months ago, Shoaib said it was a knee surgery and not any fat removing procedure because of which he is out of competitive cricket.

‘Everybody is talking about it, but this is the first time I’ve spoken on this. I don’t need liposuction. I’m not fat. I’m a fit guy, I can reduce my weight by running,’ The Telegraph quoted Shoaib as saying."

Yes, I can see how a procedure for sucking the fat out of your tummy could be mistaken for a knee surgery. But Mr. Fit is not content to stop there.

"The 46-Test veteran admitted that he had a friend who is a plastic surgeon, but insisted that he had never gone under the knife. ‘I visit this man as a friend. I go to his clinic now and then and now it’s the story of the world,’ Shoaib said."

Visiting a plastic surgeon's clinic "now and then"? Really Shoaib? Just for chit chat and tea? Your doc friend must have a really floundering practice if he has the time for people popping in at work for socializing OR your  idea of a fun afternoon hanging out with pals is really screwed up. (Hmmm, on second thought, that does sound like you!)

Mr. Fit hanging out

But the most hilarious part of this 'comeback' story is how it consists entirely of 'Look Ma, No Fat' Man denying all his past transgressions and the accusations hurled at him. Here's him denying his steroid abuse, for which, you must remember, he was convicted and banned for two years, until the PCB in an act of cowardice repealed the sentence after one year:

"Commenting on the drug abuse, he claimed that he had never used any performance enhancing drugs. ‘I have never used that stuff, mate. I don’t need to cheat with drugs. I have bowled more than 100mph for years, so why would I use drugs to enhance my performance? The story was this — the PCB tested the whole team. My normal nandrolone level was higher and my argument was this figure cannot be the same for every person on the planet,’ the fast bowler argued."

Don't you just love how 'mate' was thrown in there? I can just imagine him saying it in his faux Punjabi-Irish-Australian brogue. But the explanation is what really takes the cake. Here's a quick reminder, Mate... 1. Who cares what "your argument" is? I mean, are you seriously saying it's "your argument" against the weight of a conviction based on the science of dope testing? 2. You're not even remotely right. What the ICC-sanctioned dope testing found was that your nandrolone levels were several times higher than what even the normal RANGE of levels are (they account for the variations in different people) and concluded that even in abnormal cases (such as you claim yours is apparently) such stupendously high levels could not be achieved without steroid abuse. Yeah, mate, it sucks to be found out, don'it?

But of course, how could Shoaib make a 'comeback' without referring to the THING that has probably caused him more grief than all the other accusations put together.

"Shoaib, who has taken 178 Test wickets, also blasted the PCB for releasing a statement saying he had ‘genital warts’, due to which he was axed from the World T20. He maintains that he has an independent medical report, which cleared him of any STD."

You went to the extent of getting an independent medical report for this? Is it from another doc pal whose clinic you like to hang out in? Are you going to show it to all the ladies you pick up at the bar? Would you stop threatening a comeback if the PCB announces publicly that yeah, the other doctors got it all wrong and it's ok to have sex with you?

'You wanna see my independent medical report?'

You know what Mate? If you do make a comeback, 'shock' will not even begin to describe it.

Why Shoaib Akhtar is the Poster-Child for Pakistan

After all that brouhaha about Shoaib Akhtar's viral genitalia, The News' Khalid Hussain informs us today that "Shoaib's fitness problems aren't just skin deep." Ho-hum. Tell us something we didn't know. If his incessant tantrums, loud-mouthed shaubda-pan, his steroid-pumping, lack of any kind of discipline, his inability to bowl even 10 overs in a one-day match and increasing inability to take wickets and his regular pulling out of critical fixtures because of one excuse or another were not enough, we now discover that he is addicted to "strong painkillers", in the absence of which he is reduced to a grovelling junkie.

“Shoaib was so desperate for a particular pain-killing injection during the tour of UAE that he almost begged a local doctor for it. The doctor, however, told him that he would risk being thrown out of UAE is he administered that injection,” said a source.

Anyone with half a mind would have rid Pakistan cricket of this pathetic loser a long, long time ago. But even more importantly, anyone with even a shred of decency would themselves have announced an end to their career and sought psychiatric help. Not our genital-wart man of course.

Apparently, Shoaib has refused to accept PCB’s decision and is planning to feature in the RBS National Twenty20 Cup getting underway in Lahore from May 25. It was announced on Saturday that he would lead Islamabad Leopards in the five-day event in spite of being advised by the PCB Medical Board to rest and get treatment for at least ten days.

His plans to feature in the RBS Cup have posed yet another headache for the PCB management. Sources close to Shoaib claimed that the pacer may make also some disclosures about an alleged plot by the team management to get him axed from the England-bound squad.

I have long maintained that, rather than letting the country down, today's Pakistani cricketers perfectly represent the Pakistani nation of today. They share three characteristics that have come to define us completely: a total lack of discipline, an over-reliance on luck, and an acute inability to foresee the consequences of our actions. Anyone seeing Shahid 'Boom Boom' Afridi batting will immediately see the similarities between it and, oh for example, the Kargil adventure.

But Shoaib 'Take Me Warts And All' Akhtar's latest shenanigans have made me think he truly is the poster-boy for what is wrong with us as a nation. Not only does he fulfil each of the characteristics outlined above, he also perfectly mirrors our penchant for feeding conspiracy theories without a shred of evidence and looking to blame others for our self-inflicted problems. It's never our fault, it's always someone out to get us since we are potentially so great. Megalomania combined with paranoia.

Of course, he intends to participate in the RBS Twenty20 not out of any love for the Islamabad Leopards or for the tournament, but only to shame the PCB (as if it needs any shaming). More eyes are bound to be glued on to his crotch than anywhere on the field (perhaps RBS should put their logo there) and I'd love to see how his teammates treat the ball he will inevitably rub there and shine with his spit. Nobody has ever accused us of being extremely rational about science, and particularly about the science of infectious diseases. If the medical reports are correct, he is also likely to further aggravate his 'condition' by playing, and just writing those words makes me wince.

Which brings me to the other way Mr. Akhtar represents Pakistan. Like our country, he has an uncanny predilection for negotiating with others by holding a gun to his own head.