After Paul the octopus, can we now have a Zardari-hating kangaroo?

So a German octopus has been more adept at predicting the outcome of matches in the football World Cup than a thousand highly paid human pundits. And now the eight-tentacled Paul has competition from Mani, a parakeet from Singapore, a female octopus, Pauline, from Holland, an Estonian chimpanzee (Pino) and an African Red River Hog.

Paul: just one of many oracles

Almost as exciting as speculation about the ultimate winner on Sunday is the parallel side match between these oracles from the animal kingdom: for example, Paul has wrapped Spain in his tight embrace, while his feathered rival has pecked Holland. Should a gambler now rush to be smothered by Paul, go for Mani in the hope of feathering his nest, or hog the limelight with the African beast?

I have it on good authority that Geo has cottoned on to this exciting development and has decided to embark on a new cost-cutting. crowd-pleasing drama. Negotiations are currently under way between the leading media group and a bewildering array of animals, minerals and vegetables, to take over the slot vacated by Dr Shahid Masood. Geo is now apparently talent-hunting for a creature who goes hysterical and loses his marbles every time the name Zardari is mentioned. According to inside sources, a kangaroo who punches anyone who says the 'Z' word is tipped for the coveted slot. The only problem is that kangaroos don't particularly scream too much or have any particular ideological affinity to General Hamid Gul. The other main candidate is a big fat bee that not only drones on and on but unfailingly stings PPP sympathisers on prime time as a divine sign of imminent doom for their party.

Highly unreliable sources claim that a top channel has also hired Kaka, a Lyari mule, to spot a fake degree from a mile. The animal is known to kick wildly in the air when someone's degree is from a dodgy online university ('Dr' Babar Awan and 'Dr' Aamir Liaquat got the treatment in a pilot study) and expel a load of dung when the degree in question is a downright forgery. When confronted with the newly re-elected honourable PPP member from Muzzafargarh, Kaka is believed to have contracted severe diaorrhea. As they say on PIA, apna Dasti samaan saath le jaana na bhooleye.

Not to be left behind, other channels have also got in on the act, with Samaa torn between hiring a screeching parakeet or a hyena to replace Meher and Jasmine, and ARY negotiating with a chhipkali to take over from Dr Danish on his night off without too many people noticing the swap. Not only can these creatures screech or slither on cue, but they can tell you the exact date on which we will be rid of this fascist democracy and get a good, decent authoritarian regime in its place. 

Express TV was talking to a big bug-eyed right wing creature but discovered that he is already on their staff and is ostensibly human. He goes by the name of Javed Chaudhry. Aaj continues its search for a fish oracle that witnessed a brave Pakistani journalist's exploits aboard a Gaza-bound flotilla attacked by Israelis. The creature is meant to leap up in the air every time Talat Hussain is within a half-mile vicinity and scream " death to Israel".

Unfortunately, Geo got there first. The cuddly, extremist-spotting blind dolphin from Sukkur that was witness to that episode during its Mediterranean holidays, was about to bag a major slot on the Jang Group's channel, but has developed certain irreconciliable differences with Hamid Mir. The normally peaceful creature, blind fool that it is, even developed shark-like tendencies and attacked poor Ansar Abbasi the other day. Mr Mir would prefer to hire an ostrich who can't spot a Taliban horde even if it is hit on the head by one. Sadly, the big bird has opted instead for a senior position in the Punjab government.

Any ideas about novel animals our channels can hire to liven things up?

The 'King' Of Urdu Columnists Is Dead. But Is He?

Most of you kids probably don’t know who the recently deceased Irshad Ahmed Haqqani was, but the dude ruled the daily Jang's op-ed pages for more than a quarter of a century. I remember reading a column by Haqqani where he quoted his own earlier column which quoted another column that he had written in another decade.

In his early days he was the editor of Jamaat-e-Islami’s in-house magazine Tasneem. But he had a falling out with its chief Maulana Maududi in the '50s because the Jamaat just wasn’t radical enough for him. So, obviously, on to Jang. And after taking up his Jang slot (in 1981) he soon became the most influential op-ed hack in the country. Zia, Benazir, Nawaz, Musharraf, all at one point or the other took him along for an umrah, sought his opinion on everything, listened to his whines and dined him. And he diligently reported it all in his columns. He turned namedropping into an art form. Almost every Urdu columnist in Pakistan has called him their ustaad at one point or the other. But now that he is dead, this is what they are writing about him.

This is Abdul Qadir Hassan (a former Jamaat-e-Islami comrade) in the daily Express today:

“Whenever a reader wrote him a letter of appreciation, he would add a few more words to it and include it in his columns. He lived with this mental sickness all his life and found fame that he always craved…I couldn’t attend his funeral but I have been told that not many people turned up.”

This is Javed Chaudhry, also in Express:

“When I published my first collection of columns I wrote on the cover ‘One Hundred Columns by Javed Chaudhry That Will Live For Two HundredYears.' Irshad sahib called and admonished me. I had the line removed but, Allah ka karam, the same book has had 192 print runs and is the best selling book in Pakistan’s history.”

(All you angrezi writers, try beating that! But Javed does have a self reflective side though. His email address is javed CH...)

And finally, Ata ul Haq Qasmi in today's Jang:

“He started repeating the compliments given to him in his columns and this became a weakness and turned into chronic narcissism.”

Of course they have all said nice thing in these obits too, but basically the message is, 'We all learnt from you but good riddance, you bastard. We can do it better than you.'

Whatever they might say about him, he did invent the modern Urdu column, which is half analytical drivel, half dinner menus. Only during the last week, for example, Jang columnist Haroon-ur-Rashid (according to his column) demanded and got desi murghi from the Azad Kashmir prime minister, and Hamid Mir (according to his column) discovered new insights into judicial activism over a Kashmiri dish. I forget the name of the dish but according to Jang / Geo’s brightest star, it is made of mooli and shaljam and served with rice. The host was the Lahore High Court Chief Justice Khwaja Sharif.

Open Season On Abuse

Well, if you thought Mustafa Kamal using phrases like "ulloo ke pathay" and "laanat bhejta hoon" on live television was over-the-top (it should be pointed out that he did apologize for his outburst later), what would you say to Lt. General (r) Rashid Qureshi referring to Khwaja Asif of the PML(N) as a "chutiya aadmi" on live tv?!!

Yes, believe it or not, this altercation happened on Javed Chaudhry's Express TV show titled Kal Tak last night. I think it's Qureshi who ends up with the final epithet, though in the sound confusion, it could well have been Asif too, since both are equally fast and loose with their tongues. You can see the conflagaration in all its sordid glory in this clip (courtesy zemtv):



The gaalam galoch begins after Chaudhry takes both Qureshi and Asif on air at around 19:30 onwards, with the culmination occurring around 23:30.

There is a much clearer sounding clip available here on pkpolitics.com but that one seems to have been censored after-the-fact, with stronger words bleeped out. (For the record the verbal fight happens between 15:30 and 19:30 on this censored clip.) The original with Qureshi calling those accusing General Musharraf of murdering Akbar Bugti "jhootay" (liars) and Asif responding by calling him a "do numberi" general (fake general), a "chamcha" (sucker-upper) and Qureshi ending up by calling him a "chutiya aadmi" ('asshole' is the closest I can think of translating this as), is what television viewers actually heard.

Given the levels of the people being asked to come on air and the absolute incompetence of anchors like Javed Chaudhry (remember when Kashmala was called a prostitute on his show a few months ago?) to control their guests, shouldn't a time-delay be installed by television channels on their live programmes?

Civil Society... Not!

I don't even know what to say... On Javed Chaudhry's usually boring-as-hell show on Express 24/7 yesterday, PPP's Firdous Ashiq Awan implies PML(Q)'s Kashmala Tariq is from Heera Mandi and has bed-hopped her way into the parliament... all while the host and the new editor of The Nation, Shireen Mazari, look on stunned. Can't say I blame them.



Eegad! And we thought the blog comments on the Arif Nizami episode were veering into uncivil territory!