Shoania Moania - III

How's this for the most unconsciously hilarious and ironic assertion in a news report?

In a report today in The News about Shoaib Malik and Sania Mirza now looking to cash in on their media coverage ala Hollywood celebrities, reporter Adnan Rashid writes:

"It appears the marriage is more like a business contract, as both have barred the media from coverage of their wedding functions. Some believe all this is being done to capture the attention of the advertisement agencies of India and Pakistan, and to exploit the situation for minting money."

How very uncharitable of them! Completely unlike the media, of course, who have been giving them all this coverage without caring a whit for viewership ratings or advertising revenue from special programmes focused entirely on them... I mean, how cold and callous and businesslike can you get? After all, it was only the public's right to know that led to breaking news about them being issued boarding cards, their bag being lost (and found) or the following piece of investigative journalism in the face of mortal danger as detailed in the same report:

"Security officials snatched the camera of a Geo Television cameraperson when he was trying to shoot the gym where Sania and Shoaib were present."

After all, we need to know how much sweat is produced by the two. Or whether the country's bahu exercises in shorts or a tracksuit.

But you know,  this report does make me wonder about what's about to come next. Either Jang Group head honcho Mir Shakilur Rahman will take out his cheque book and pony up the three to five crores reportedly being demanded by the newly wedded for exclusive coverage of their valima etc, in which case we are in for more nauseating spot coverage that milks 'Shoania' for all it's (not) worth. Alternatively, Mirza and Malik better duck for cover, because as Asif Zardari can well tell them, there's nothing like the wrath of a Geo spurned. An inkling of this is contained in the report itself:

"As Sania had lost her international ranking and Shoaib banned and fined Rs2 million by the Pakistan Cricket Board, they are looking for opportunities to make money one way or the other, some critics commented."

And what a fall that would be: from media darlings to media villains, all before the honeymoon even commences.

The Real News

What do YOU think was the No. 1 story in Pakistan yesterday? The power crisis - which is already leading to 12-16 hour blackouts in most of the country? The government's announcements to shut down markets by 8pm and government offices for two days in a week to conserve electricity? The implications of the 18th Amendment that involves a radical transfer of power to the provinces and away from the presidency? The controversy over the largely inconclusive UN Commission report on Benazir's assassination? The continuing war against militancy in FATA and its attendant collateral damage? The impending breakdown in talks between Pakistan and the IMF over VAT implementation? The brewing and building tussle between the executive and the judiciary, which is still leading to all sorts of rumour-mongering over the fate of President Zardari?

Or if you're more inclined to take a wider view of current events, perhaps you might think global stories such as the travel chaos caused by the explosion of  the volcano on that unpronounceable Icelandic glacier might merit the No. 1 slot. Perhaps the niqab ban in France which has riled Muslim opinion once again? The grenade attacks in Bangkok during anti-government protests that killed three and wounded scores? The never-ending intransigence of Apartheid state leader Benjamin Netanyahu in pushing ahead with settlements on Palestinian land?

Well, if you thought any of these things, you would be miserably wrong. Everyone KNOWS that the No. 1 story at the moment is the arrival in Pakistan of cricketer Shoaib Malik with his newly wedded wife and tennis player Sania Mirza. Forget that. Not only was this story the No. 1 headline on Geo's 9 o' clock bulletin, it was the ONLY story on the bulletin for the first 30 (!!!) minutes at least. I am not making this up, check it out for yourself:







So we have now seen them arrive in Karachi, seen them on the flight to Islamabad, repeatedly seen Sania's henna-ed feet, heard Shoaib being interviewed on the flight, been informed about what and how much they ate of PIA's menu, heard about the shenanigans of the over-eager passengers on the flight and the captain's admonitions to them, seen the couple disembarking from the flight, learnt about the VVIP protocol given to them en route to their hotel, had a preview of their room in Serena Hotel as well as the hall where the valima will take place, caught glimpses of the brightly lit Malik residence in Sialkot at a time of dire calls for energy conservation, and learnt of Sania possibly having fever as well as the disappointment of hundreds of people with nothing better to do than hang around at the airport to take a gander at the couple. There is only one logical conclusion to this, as you may well surmise.

Next: Live coverage of Shoaib and Sania getting it on.

Shoania Moania - II

Will this never end?

First there was news yesterday, that Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani intends to send a parliamentary delegation, headed by Population Welfare minister Firdous Ashiq Awan, to attend the "Shoania" (here I must acknowledge reader Takhalus' far better name 'ShoSan', but I am sticking to what is already out there) wedding. (Thanks to reader Asif Ali Khan for drawing attention to this news.)

Parliamentary delegation??? At the taxpayers' expense? Why???

Gilani has also intimated that he is going to send a "special gift" for the couple. Ms Awan has already said, obviously feeling she must live up to her portfolio, that she intends to give the couple a "family planning kit." What could possibly be more special than boxes of Saathi on your wedding?

But today, there is "breaking" news (what else!) that it has been discovered that Shoaib Malik's father's name on the Sania wedding invitation is different from that on his Ayesha / Maha Siddiqui divorce papers. On the wedding invite he is named as Malik Faqir Hussain, while on the divorce papers he is named as Malik Saleem Hussain. When Geo called on Shoaib's brother (I suspect the step-brother since he also moaned about not being invited to the wedding) to explain the anomaly, he gave some bizarre story about his father having gone through a phase some 20-25 years ago where he "zabani taur par" (verbally) changed his name, though not officially. Ok, so dad was going through an identity or a mid-life crisis or he didn't really like his name... why that should make any difference to official legal papers submitted now, I just don't understand.

I tell you, between the media, this family and the Siddiquis, it's enough to drive anyone bonkers.

Shoania Moania

Nothing. Nothing I could come up with would ever do justice to the farce that is passing for news these days under the 'Shoania' label. Yes, of course I am referring to the impending marriage of former Pakistan cricket skipper / banned intriguer / all-round meesna Shoaib Malik and once-upon-a-time rising Indian tennis star / adolescent fantasy girl Sania Mirza.

Praying for a respite from 'Shoania' at a press meet in Hyderabad India (Source: The Guardian) 

Granted that the saga itself is nothing short of farcical - will they, won't they, was he married before, who was he married to before, was he deceived, did he dump her because she was fat, will he get arrested, will they live in Pakistan, will she serve for Pakistan, will she continue to wear mini-skirts, what the hell does she see in him in the first place, who was the girl whose photographs he fell for, can he divorce his first wife if he was not married to her, blah blah blah - but the way the electronic media in particular on both sides of the border have decided to devote their considerable energies to it has raised it to the level of some sort of Divine Comedy.

Indian television has long gone the tabloid route but we in Pakistan seem also to be finding our feet in the high-stakes game of the celebrity-story being milked for more than it's worth in viewer ratings. Anyone remember Meera? And who would, of course, be leading the charge here but Geo.

That is not to say that the other channels are far behind (except for DawnNews, of course, but then it's usually behind, for better or worse) but everyone has taken their lead from the market leader. Not only did Geo pioneer the use (in Pakistan) of film music as background score to news stories, they have provided hourly updates on the wedding saga (including the problems faced by the couple in shopping), developed animated characters of the couple that make an appearance during news bulletins, taken random opinion polls of the public, and even broadcast full fledged panel-based programmes to discuss, among other things, the possible menu for the shadi and valima.

Here's today's 9 o' clock news bulletin. Keep in mind that this 'event' has been carrying on now for about a week (and we're only leading up to the wedding still) and in the meanwhile, Pakistan also put through one of its most extensive reforms of the constitution. From roundabout counter 21:15 to 30:00, all we see and hear about, however, is Shoania, with a minimum of 4 different filmi tunes thrown in for good measure.




Surely, you think, with all the tunes being dug up by the different channels (I saw Express run almost three minutes of filmi songs over pictures of the couple a few days ago unadulterated by any commentary or news), they will eventually run out of songs, right? Don't hold your breath.

But if you think the relentless onslaught of "Shoania" (what is it with this amalgamated name craze anyway?) was not (bad) enough, wait until you get a load of what Geo is holding in reserve: the Mohammad Asif / Veena Malik saga (what will that be called? Veesif? Aseena? Veenas?). In the same news bulletin Geo gave us a sample.

Do recall that film star / tv comedienne Veena and fast bowler / occasional druggie / Dubai deportee Asif were, as they say, "close friends" once upon a time. That friendship has obviously soured, apparently since Asif dutifully agreed to marry someone chosen by his family. Veena has therefore gone to court to demand the crore plus of rupees she allegedly spent on her boytoy  and which she now claims she 'loaned' him (at this point if you begin to wonder what exactly Pakistan cricket is all about, you obviously are too clueless to be reading this blog).

Old hag and illiterate Test bowler in happier times

Cue, all-around cattiness. Asif tells Geo that 'given her age' Veena should be sitting on a masalla (prayer mat) and remembering God instead of making up stories about him and that it's about time she got married herself instead of 'doing what she does'. Veena nonchalantly reminds Geo of Asif's educational inadequacies, his weak financial status and his 'nightlife' proclivities. She also reminds Geo that "he is just a fast bowler, and that too only for Tests." Meow! You can see all that in the above clip around (counter) 46:40.

Geo may be saving this saga as backup for once Shoania runs out of steam. But beyond the media circus, all I could think of is that the combination of cricket and people named Malik is obviously a very volatile one. We should have realized this once we endured Salim Malik's shenanigans.

Phew! Finally, Some Real Issues!

Glad to see that our political representatives have their sense of priorities all right. This from a breaking news report on Geo:

PML-N workers stage rally to support Shoania wedding

Updated at: 2223 PST, Tuesday, April 06, 2010 

 

"MULTAN: The activists of the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) held a demonstration at the Multan Press Club in a show of support for Pakistani cricketer Shoaib Malik and Indian tennis star Sania Mirza ahead of their planned marriage on April 15.

 

The demonstrators said that love would finally prevail no matter what the enemies did. They were chanting slogans of “Welcome Welcome Sania, Shoaib welcome”

 

They were of the view that Sania would be the daughter-in-law of entire Pakistan after her marriage with Shoaib. In addition, the protestors slammed the registration of an FIR against Shoaib and seizing of his passport."

Whoever said the PML(N) doesn't care about the real issues facing this country? Hanh? Who?

And yeah, I know, we really should have covered "Shoania". We still should.

Yousuf in the Confessional

If you haven't already, you must read this report about an extremely frank interview with Mohammad Yousuf (that apparently aired yesterday on some television channel) and in which he lays directly into Umar Akmal, Shoaib Malik and an unnamed player. I don't know which channel this was, if anyone knows please let us know, particularly if there's a weblink to the interview.

Some choice excerpts of what Yousuf said:

On PCB Chairman Ejaz Butt announcing midway through tour that he would be replaced as skipper:

“I don't know when the statement was made, but when it was, suddenly everyone in the team changed. Six or seven players started to see themselves as captains all of a sudden. At the start of the tour in New Zealand, the players were cooperating with me, but as the tour went on I felt they weren't because they knew I wouldn't be captain in the next series.”

On Umar Akmal's mysterious "stiff back":

“Umar was fine as far as I knew. What happened in his room and how he got a stiff back all of a sudden was a surprise to me. He miraculously recovered as soon as we told him that he would be going home.”

On Shoaib Malik as a possible captain:

“We all know what he’s good at, certainly not captaincy.”

On the most problematic player in the team:

“There is one player in the team who is disturbing team unity and other players. I spoke to coach Intikhab Alam and other management about it and they agreed with me," Yousuf said. “I will only disclose his name to the chairman of the board, Ijaz Butt.”

“Intikhab Alam (coach), Abdur Raqeeb (manager) and [Shahid] Afridi know who the player is and we discussed it as well several times,” Yousuf added.

“During the New Zealand tour and onwards Intikhab was telling me to be wary of him, but I wanted to see for myself. I saw in Australia how his body language was and we dropped him from the Tests. We decided in Australia during a meeting that we had to do something about him.”

Hmmmm. An intriguer who Yousuf does not like and who did not play in the Tests. One guess who this one is.