Pakistan, A Malleable History

Last month, while other pyalas scuttled off to the Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf's (PTI’s) Karachi jalsa with visions of free potty training seats in their heads, I stayed at home with a copy of Imran Khan’s Pakistan, A Personal History. I read it with the intention of reviewing it here immediately but, like certain Bufo toads that can, at will, secrete a noxious hallucinogenic substance that acts as a deterrent to predators, the book did not encourage further handling.

I revisited it today because I chanced upon Amir Zia’s review for Newsline last month. He succinctly articulated some of my biggest problems with the content of the memoir, saying:

“Khan’s personal analysis of the origin and spirit of the Pakistan Movement underlines his simplistic and superficial understanding of those times. In fact, it appears more akin to former military ruler General Zia-ul Haq’s distorted and twisted propagandist history, which still remains a part of our curriculum. For instance, Khan, in his zeal to promote the Islamic basis of Pakistan, equates Quaid-e-Azam Mohammed Ali Jinnah’s religious views with those of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi by saying that both stood on the same page vis-à-vis the role of religion in politics.”

And…

“The tribal system, its code of honour and values are a constant refrain in the book. Khan maintains that the tribal areas were “crime free” before the upheavals of the recent years, ignoring the fact that before the start of the war on terror, the entire belt remained the epicenter of smuggling and gunrunning in the region. The known criminals and absconders used to take refuge in these areas and vehicles snatched from various parts of the country landed in the tribal belt. But Khan, in his zeal to glorify tribalism and the jirga system, shuts his eyes to all these facts. He makes a passing reference to the tribal practice of ‘honour’ killings which are being endorsed by jirgas in the rural areas. In fact, he views these jirgas as an “ancient democratic system.” The oppression, the backwardness, the myopic worldview and total alienation from the modern world, all of which stem from tribalism, fail to bother the Khan.”

Amir Zia did make an effort to balance his take on ‘the Khan’s’ personal history with references to the many good things in it, calling his recollections of cricketing life and building the Shaukat Khanum Memorial hospital ‘moving’ and ‘inspiring’. Mr. Zia is probably a better person than I am because I feel no such compunction. Whatever bright spark once lurked in the heart of this self professed Chosen One – his version of what happened to make an English jury return a verdict of 10-2 in his favour in the Botham libel case can be summarized with “As I was waiting, I got a message from a friend that Mian Bashir wanted to speak to me. I phoned him and found him in a cheerful mood. ‘Allah is changing the jury’s mind!’ he said – has long been obscured by a cloud of magic dust. Like in Pullman’s His Dark Materials, only without its fierce interrogation of dogma and ritual.

If you don’t like my words for it, take a few from the horse’s…er…mouth:

The Khan on what needs to be done to deal with the ‘10%’ of truly militant militants in the tribal areas (the rest apparently prefer crochet, only times are hard and the war blocks access to the market for doilies):

“I have spoken to General Pasha, head of the ISI about this, and he too believes that if we disengage from the US war, start a dialogue with the tribes, and withdraw troops from the tribal areas, we could eliminate this 10 percent in ninety days”.

The Khan on the need for enshrining the difference between a public face and a private face or, as some people might call it, hypocrisy:

‘The main difference Islamic sharia has from Western secular society is in the realm of public morality. This protects the family system, one of Pakistan’s greatest strengths…An Islamic society tries to protect the sanctity of marriage by creating an environment that affords the least temptation for people to commit infidelity. Secondly, it tries to protect impressionable young people from public immorality, the same concept behind the ‘adults only’ film classification…So apart from these vital provisions aimed at protecting the family, a true Islamic society would be no different from the democratic welfare states of Europe.”

Passages like this worried me because they indicate a rigid, conservative mind that thinks along the lines of 'my way or the highway'. It is the disproportionate power given to those who would be custodians of 'public morality', for political purposes, that has landed Pakistan in the soup it is in today. Passages like this also amused me because, for someone whose main vote bank so far seems to be young people, he really is pretty clueless about what young people really want and, more importantly, need. The life of the body, the life of the mind, these are fundamental human rights. And too many of the physical and creative freedoms required to have either would potentially face the chop if somebody decided to place the protection of 'impressionable young minds' above both.

The Khan, for example, only took about two decades of experiential learning to understand "there was a world of difference between happiness and pleasure-seeking".

The Khan on people who might disagree with him:

“…those at the other end of the extreme are called the ‘liberal fanatics’. To liberal fanatics modernization means westernization and Islam can only impede Pakistan’s progress…For them every solution to Pakistan’s problems is imported. Hence liberal fanatics have variously advocated Marxism, a radical version of women’s liberation, market economics and other Western beliefs.”

Yep. Damn redistribution of wealth (don't look now, Ali Shariati). And women voting in parts of Khyber Pakhtoonkhwa. And supermarkets. And mineral water. Especially mineral water.

The Khan on about half of the people who attended his Party In The Park:

“ The elite that consumes most of the country’s educational resources is incapable of providing the intellectual leadership needed to move forward either the religion or the culture. Western education simply does not allow them to do so.”

... Which would, errrr, make the Oxford-educated Khan singularly incapable of providing intellectual leadership, would it not:? But I digress...

Rants about this 'elite' function as periods throughout the memoir, punctuating his opinions on everything from environmental degradation to the need to overhaul the education system to his observations about the injustice of our judicial system. This is a real pity because they undermine the few things he says that actually make sense. Pakistan is indeed, as he hammers home again and again, saddled with a parasitic elite that has insisted on usurping, keeping and abusing power to the detriment of the many hovering around the poverty line; but his reductionist identification of them as people who have strayed from the one faith and become 'westernized' is sadly flawed. The powerful elite of which he speaks include the shallu-wearing landlords and industrialists that are now part of his movement for justice. They can also wear beards, uniforms and burqas as well as jeans and ape Saudi Arabia as well as Western pop culture, but apparently that isn't quite as bad. His position seems to be that if you are not part of the solution (in this case, his notion of Islam) you are part of the problem.

This debauched, rudderless, still mentally colonized elite has done Pakistan a world of harm, he says. For example, post 9/11:

"I have never seen Pakistanis so terrified of US anger as during this period. This is a typical example of how fear can be used as a weapon by the ruling elite to make the people fall in line; at the same time, it shows that policies based on fear always end up in disaster."

That previous nugget comes much before the point towards the end of the book where he says:

"...my biggest worry remains that if things continue as they are we could face a rebellion within the army's ranks, the ultimate nightmare situation for Pakistan."

I could go on, and quote verbatim other choice bits of text, such as his one sentence lament about how mean presswalas kept calling up his good friend Sita White for ‘lurid interviews’, or the paragraph where he mentions one Shah Mehmood Qureshi as an example of what is wrong with Pakistani politics, or how he lambasts the jamaati thugs he is now in bed with, or how it only took him five meetings and nearly as many years to understand Musharraf wasn't a good boy, or how my mother’s brother’s third cousin’s dog inferred a Madonna-whore complex from all the things Khan Saab’s book didn’t say about women in Pakistan when he accidentally sank his teeth into it but, really, what’s the point. Let’s not be liberally fanatical in our negativity and look at the plus points of it.

1) We have been asking for a PTI manifesto and lo and behold there has been one amongst us for a couple of months already, complete with Islamic Fabioesque cover and – just like his first book where the ghost writer really was a ghost - no mention of who actually wrote it.

2) In this book, we learn a lot about poetry. Well, Iqbal’s poetry. Well, those of Iqbal’s poems which fit into Imran Khan’s view of the world. In particular, the one about the shaheen. No not Khayaban-e-Shaheen, the other shaheen, the eagle, which as Khan Saab tells us is “an emblem of royalty which denoted a kind of heroic idealism based on daring, pride and honour.” (No mention of course of that of Iqbal's verse that calls, e.g., for burning down crop fields that do not feed the peasant, but I digress again.)

I was thinking of Khan Saab's fondness for the metaphor of the regal predator driven to hunt rather than scavenge when I read the inimitable Aakar Patel’s column in the Express Tribune today. In the column, the second in his examination of the army’s dominance in Pakistan today, Mr. Patel puts it down to a caste-driven obsession with the notion of ‘warrior’. His hypothesis…

“is that the division of the Punjabi nation in 1947 produced a Pakistani Punjab that was heavily weighted in favour of the martial castes. The trading castes, which tend to be more pragmatic and balance society’s extremism mostly left to come to India. This has produced the imbalance which explains Pakistan’s fondness for a state dominated by soldiers. Gen Pervez Kayani runs the state’s foreign policy, security policy and most of its economic policy because the majority of Punjabis are comfortable with the idea of a warrior being in charge.”

Mr. Patel’s insight into the veneration awarded to ‘leading from the front’- which in my book can also be considered a Pashtun trait- is driven home when, later in the column while mentioning Kayani’s recent statement that our nation’s “honour will not be traded for posterity”, he goes on to say that…

"Only a warrior would make that statement and only a nation of warriors would accept it."

You see the same kind of verbal posturing in Imran Khan's utterances (tsunami = destruction), and the same kind of frenzied, emotional response in his followers (tsunami? a massive tidal wave that kills indiscriminately? hell yeah!) that a popular general would get from his ranks. It is almost as if hundreds of thousands of usually pacifist people have suddenly decided to get in touch with their inner Spartan.

In Imran Khan's Pakistan though, there would be no loincloths.

My basic problem with the worldview that Aakar Patel is skewering and Imran Khan and other balding eagles seem most comfortable inhabiting is that Pakistan can no longer afford to be a nation of warriors. We need a narrative of inclusiveness, tolerance and unity based on achievable things like economic goals, not one that suggests identity is who you're not rather than who you are. Those who want to buy into the PTI’s ‘war' on corruption, the west (and mineral water) might want to stop and ask themselves what impulse, whose hand, they are really strengthening.

My other basic problem with men who think they are berserkers is their propensity for camp followers or, in less offensive terms, their demonstrated opinion of where women would be post-victory. Consider this clip follow up of an excellent Express Tribune report about what happened after Prime Minister Gilani was successfully driven off stage by the soldiers of the Lawyers' Movement at a Lahore Bar Association meeting a couple of days ago...





Incidentally, Imran Khan's last reference to the the Brotherhood of the Black Coats he mentions glowingly several times in his memoir is:

"Though the anti-status quo wave known as the lawyers' movement for genuine democracy was hijacked, it remains simmering beneath the surface; I am convinced the moment the next elections are announced, a 'soft revolution' will explode on our political horizon and sweep away the corrupt status quo from Pakistan once and for all."

Ladies, keep those Rose Petals handy.

Maladroit Adenoidal Terropolitics

"The inclusion of nonsensical sentences in my fusion of the clay and miniature mediums began as a thematic meditation on the space between imagery and words. Words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs and clichés create multiple layers and personae, most of which contradict each other, and nearly all of which contradict the work itself. These contradictions speak of contemporary anxieties and desires at a time when the notion of the ‘self’ is unstable and rapidly shifting, much like this paragraph is clearly unstable, and the eyes of the discerning reader are rapidly shifting. This must, then, be an artists’ statement. The notion of ‘statement’, with its’ fuchsia undertones of dictatorship and oppressive body politic, its’ discursive dialectical implications about Islamic identity, is precisely what inspired me to paint these pictures of platypuses."

MSS 2010, Maladroit Adenoidal Terropolitics, Oct 30- 31 at Minaret Art Gallery.


From ‘Belief storm’, Ishma Malik, Random Monthly, Nov 2010:

The Minaret Gallery from its very inception has been striving to showcase innovative and scholarly approaches to art, and the gallery’s current show, ‘Maladroit Adenoidal Terropolitics,’ directly references the yawning, yearning chasm between the two for visual metaphors voicing notions of the here and now.

According to the artist MSS, the exhibition evolved out of a conscious examination of indigenous literary and cultural traditions to discover and build original forms/imagery, as opposed to borrowing and improvising western constructs. “That is why my artists statement was in English”, she said.

Curator Gulbadan Ilyas says she found resonance in the way MSS derived inspiration from the vernacular and the effervescent ethereal elixir of elucidation, and, in a time when the notions of the self (as well as the here and now, and possibly also then) were rapidly shifting, found her interpretation of the irrelevant very relevant.

While the menacing tail in the ‘Overweight Earthworm of Sorrow’ spell the devastating floods – a subtle testament to MSS’s ability to reverse colonize western constructs by implying PK should be added under UK and US on word spell-check options - and the reality of ‘Insert The Obvious Here’ hits right at the heart of Islamabad, it is the intricate ‘Bunny Love’ fridge magnet (simulation) which draws you in. Bordered with a minute metallic fence with details finely etched in fields of gold the work, prosaic at first glance, is quite a twister. As well as quite a fridge magnet.

MSS has inverted the pleasurable sentiments of unnatural splendor by intersecting the personal with the political in what hints of the self-portrait in ‘I Am What You Get When You Take the Fun Out of Fundamental.’ Juxtaposed with the blank canvas of ‘You Take the AAAAR out of Art’ on Minarets wall space, it enunciates the tension between the metaphysical and the metaphorical in the material world as she theoretically plays with the positive and destructive sensibilities the ‘art’ concept can generate in people.

But it is in ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Yakfest’ that the artist moves away from tentative modulations to give a free rein to her flair for fantasy to craft a fictional monstrosity. As an artist, MSS has responded intelligently to this exercise of accessing graphical and painterly descriptions from cultural and literary sources, and then remaking them completely. She was no doubt aided in this by her consistent homage to the three fonts of her primary influence, Sadequain, Miro and Batman.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Maladroit Adenoidal Terropolitics was inspired by this piece in Newsline magazine. No (significant) disrespect is intended to the writer of the original, and none whatsoever to the artists and curators mentioned in this. I just wished to make the points that what tends to pass for visual art reviews/criticism in Pakistan wouldn’t pass Go in Monopoly, and asking artists to write statements is a bit like asking writers to doodle in the margins of their manuscripts. Surely the point of both is to make the art more rather than less accessible to everyone else?

On Vigilante 'Justice'

The media catchphrase of the last couple of days: "Chhitrol" (flogging). This, of course, after rather explicit footage first emerged from Chiniot, of policemen stripping arrested men and giving them some heavy duty spanking in full public view. After this footage was broadcast on almost all television channels (Express I think had it almost a day before others), more footage of similar such incidents was sent in by various people from all over Punjab. Geo took the lead in running as many as it could find, most of them sent in by viewers who probably recorded it on their cell phones. I counted at least five new bits of footage tonight.

Of course, the footage was accompanied by some requisite hue and cry over the blatant abuse of human rights (it is!) and the process of law due to the accused, a number of policemen were suspended, some fiery vows were made to prosecute the errant policemen under the anti-terrorism act, and even one PMLN MPA was implicated in allegedly condoning the barbaric acts. But perhaps the most telling aspect of the whole scenario was a news report carried by Aaj TV, in which average people asked about the issue in one town Jalalpur Bhattian unanimously defended the policemen as having done the right thing. The people interviewed claimed that the men flogged in public view were apprehended red-handed by local residents while committing a dacoity and deserved everything they got and that they, the members of the public, had, in fact, demanded it of the police. It would do well to remember that in many of the footages shown, there are crowds of people observing the floggings.

This, to me, is the crux of the issue. Remember at least two instances in Karachi in the recent past where robbers caught by local residents were beaten and set alight before the police could even arrive? Remember the support in the North-West and FATA regions for the Taliban brand of brutal and quick "justice"? I am not in the least trying to justify what is ultimately barbarism but there is a pattern here.

What motivates normal, law-abiding citizens to take the law in their own hands, or approve of authority meting out on-the-spot punishments, without trial or opportunity of defence to the accused? Is it a lack of awareness of the benefits for everyone of due process? Is it some inculcated respect for fascism? Is it fear that if such pressure is not exerted by the public, crooked policemen will collude with criminals? Or is it resignation that the corruption and bureaucracy of the legal system will see real culprits go scot free?

It could, in fact, be a combination, of all these things. But whatever it is, this is what needs really to be addressed. When the average citizen sees nothing wrong in vigilante "justice", no amount of fiery rhetoric and punishment of policemen is going to solve the problem.

On a slightly different tangent but taking the chhitrol footage as a peg, Mubasher Lucman - usually a blowhard host I am not very fond of - conducted an excellent and probably the most restrained programme tonight about extra-judicial killings, with some really shocking and damning footage. The last time I saw such clear documentation of blatant extra-judicial murders was in the 1990s when the Herald and Newsline investigated the same issue in Karachi (except, of course, Lucman had actual before-the-act video footage and photographs which are far more damning). Curiously, instances of summarily knocking off alleged criminals in faked "police encounters" seem to pick up in the Punjab every time populist Shahbaz Sharif is in power, which may reinforce what I was speculating about earlier.

In any case, here are clips from Point Blank hosted by Mubasher Lucman on Express TV:

How Not To Write About Sex in Pakistan

Note to feminists out to liberate Pakistani women from the shackles of sexual repression: please don’t. Or do it in private if you must, with some scented candles, massage oil, maybe a handy illustration or two. But please, for the sake of all that’s unholy (in this case, sex in Pakistan) cease and desist from writing about it in the way you have been writing about it.

In the last couple of weeks readers traditionally starved of public discussion about the sex lives of Pakistani women have been treated to not one but two stories on the subject, one in the December issue of local monthly Newsline and the other by one Jeanette Khan first featured on The Huffington Post in April but currently doing the rounds locally. Both inadvertently illustrate why some of us still prefer to do it rather than talk about it.

The Newsline cover story by Shimaila Matri Dawood (who, I hasten to add, this writer held in high esteem till right about the time she decided to make legions of other Pakistanis never want to have sex again) was clearly a noble effort to shatter a dominant taboo about female sexuality, i.e., not talking about it. The magazine opted for a brave cover in red, white, black and yellow featuring the silhouette of a woman against a backdrop of key words. These keywords presumably came up when Newsline staffers brainstormed to identify what normal people talk about when they talk about the subject. They include shame, embarrassment, immodest, sexual dysfunction, molestation and forced sex.

This told me three things. One, I should probably never try to have a conversation about sex with a Newsline staffer unless I have a box of tissues handy. Two, courageous as their attempt might be, Newsline was choosing to duck a ball by euphemistically representing rape as ‘forced sex’. Three, Newsline wanted to do a lot of things to the reader – inform, educate, edify – but it certainly didn’t want to titillate. Which made sense, sort of. I mean, if you want to blow the lid off repressed sexuality, you certainly don’t want to blow the lid of repressed sexuality do you? Snigger snigger, nudge nudge.

On the flip side, you don’t want to bore your reader to death either. This, ironically, is exactly what Newsline ended up doing when it decided to make people wake up. For example, an extract from Naila Baloch’s "Why I Want To Talk About Sex":

“In order to transform the dominant paradigms of relationships in our lives, based primarily on manipulation, power and control, I feel a stark need for us to connect to sources of power within ourselves, most potently through opening up to our own sexuality. We need, as men and women, to connect to our sexuality in a more loving, nurturing and non-dominant manner, seeing it as a sharing, as opposed to a conquering, and seeing women’s engagement with their sexuality not as shameful (an attitude that many women themselves internalize) but as natural, exuberant, joyful and a cause for mutual celebration! In this way, we may start to feel more power over our own lives, and can become actively loving participants in all of our relationships, sexual and non-sexual alike.”

You lost me at paradigms Naila.

Or consider this, from Ms. Dawood’s main feature:

"Ask the educated Pakistani woman about what the term sexual rights means and most would link it to sexual needs, preferences and habits. All these terms, however, have different meanings. While sexual rights pertain to the right of the woman to make her own decisions about her body (including her reproductive capacity, health and right to privacy and information) sexual habits is the term given to the specific types of sexual behaviour, needs are based on libido and preferences and individual tastes.

"All these play a critical role in the empowerment of women. The lack of informed knowledge about sex, given the taboo nature of the topic, and the misinformation that men, women, and adolescents received, perpetuates myths and misconceptions about sex and serves to reinforce messages of shame, fear and guilt. This can lead to issues such as sexually-transmitted infections, sexual dysfunction, gender-based abuse and violence, including sexual violence.”

If Newsline is now a brochure, why isn’t it free?


Interspersed with these inedible lumps of jargon was the odd attempt to make the piece readable, for example the opening itself:

“A group of well-heeled, sophisticated young adults are at a party, thrown by the host to celebrate her upcoming winter wedding. Strains of Nelly Furtado’s hit song ‘Promiscuous’ reverberate from the DJ’s sound system into the night. The women, frosted up in diamonds and dressed to impress, groove to the beat, sip margaritas at the well stocked bar, and discuss a range of superficial topics (or perhaps a range or topics superficially)…a socialite’s unflattering makeover, whether the Dubai default will cause prêt prices to fall, and if President Zardari can hold on to power for long.

"In a quiet corner sits an all-female quarter, aged between 25 and 40. One of them talks about a recent sex survey undertaken by an Indian magazine. “It’s called ‘The Fantasy Report’,” she says, “and it’s about sexual fantasies. They do one every year, in collaboration with a local NGO. Last year’s survey talked about under-age sex, sex with prostitutes and eunuchs, kinky sex, adultery, incest, homosexuality, preferences, favourite positions, attitudes towards role-playing and other sexual activities. I wonder what the findings would be if they could do one in Pakistan?”

Show me a frosted socialite two margaritas in who can say "under-age sex, sex with prostitutes and eunuchs, kinky sex, adultery, incest, homosexuality, preferences, favourite positions, attitudes towards role-playing and other sexual activities" without slurring, and I’ll show you a feature writer who doesn’t make shit up.


Here’s another:

“Take, for instance, the daughter of privilege. Essentially nocturnal by habit, she’s seen at all the haunts at which ‘liberal’ Pakistanis congregate- intimate dinner parties, charity extravaganzas, raunchy theatre productions such as Chicago, The V-Monologues, Mamma Mia, or even the OGS shows, raves and midnight dances at the beach. Her daytime pursuits include a few select fashion shows, or exercising her toned and exposed limbs at a zealously private club. She works in a bank or a multinational, drinks, smokes, has boyfriends. At weddings, she wraps herself in her latest Indian Satya Paul sari, a garment which was banned in government offices in the Zia era. For more casual dos she dares to bare in always western-wear.”

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Super Slut flying down the lane!

Nocturnal bankers? [Source: Partylicious.com.pk]

There are so many things wrong, indeed grossly offensive, about the assumptions made in that paragraph that I’m going to have to just let it go. Except, if Super Slut with the boyfriends and the toned and exposed limbs is nocturnal by habit, how the hell does she keep her job at the bank?

So there you have it, jargon, stereotype and cliché. Cliché, stereotype and jargon. That’s the stylistic wrapping for you. And now for the meat on the bone (no pun intended, honest), my other big problems with the Newsline story are:

1) All the men in it are either sex-crazed lunatics who like nothing better than a bit of marital rape to relax on a lazy morning, sex-crazed lunatics who ‘abandoned’ their wives when they refused to allow a bit of marital rape on a lazy morning, or "Mullahs and conservative politicians" that "support brutal tribal traditions that throw allegedly adulterous women in front of dogs and bury them alive." No, wait, there’s an insert by a male psychiatrist. He tells a delightful story about a little old lady whose "missing front teeth and loss of hearing in one ear" bore witness to "the viciousness of her husbands beatings." In one fell swoop, Newsline has invented the perfect anti-aphrodisiac. This particular issue could well be repackaged and sold as The Diminisher, The Deflator, The Emasculator! So buy your copy now, ladies, and read it aloud to your lover next time he starts humping your leg at an inconvenient time. If you still have one, that is. After reading the sweeping indictments of Pakistani manhood contained therein it might seem simpler, and more tempting, to get a dog. And shoot it.

2) My second main problem ties directly into the first one. In a 15-page spread about female sexuality, repeatedly professing a desire to educate women about their ‘sexual rights’, the word ‘pleasure’ is used twice. And never by the writers. If that doesn’t tell you they were doing something wrong, I don’t know what does.

Quibbles aside, let’s congratulate Newsline on having the ovaries to do the well-intentioned story in the first place, and wish them luck in finding a less pedantic tone the next time they attempt something similar. One that inspires as well as informs (it's a little hard to change things when you've been bludgeoned into a defensive coma you know), stimulates rather than sedates, and doesn’t accidentally alienate the half of the Pakistani population without whose cooperation there can be no significant progress in women’s rights. Let’s also congratulate them for burying us under a landslide of fact rather than farce, which is what the other piece I mentioned earlier does.

Enter Jeanette Khan via The Huffington Post, under the rather unfortunate headline "Let’s Talk About Sex Baby, Let’s Talk About Sex in Pakistan." Still reeling from prolonged exposure to the Newsline story, I’m already groaning Oh no do we have to. But I will, because I am a Pakistani woman dammit. And if I can suffer in silence while I am violated at will by my demon lover I can certainly read 1200 words of forwarded text without a whimper. Except…I’m barely into the first paragraph and already oh god it hurts!

“I'm a red-blooded woman. I'm comfortable talking about sex and all aspects regarding it. As a full-fledged member of the Millennials, I'm accustomed to asking people "Are you a virgin?"

Asking random people ‘are you a virgin’ does not make you comfortable with yourself and a red-blooded woman Ms. Khan, it just makes you rude.

“In Pakistan there is no such thing as sex-education. People mostly learn about sex through their married friends or first-hand experience.” And also “Playboys are smuggled into the country.”

On behalf of all the passengers on Flight 2009, Ms. Khan, I would like to welcome you to our service and urge you to take advantage of all our facilities. They include this pretty little buttony thing here, it is called the INTERNET. But reading on, it appears Ms. Khan made a convenient leap into the future because then we have…

“A few years later, as a late teen, on another trip to Pakistan, my friend Nadia told me that teenagers were having sex; they would go to their houses when the parents weren't home. My older male cousin also told me he knew of a girl who had gotten pregnant.”

Are you sure he wasn’t talking about his mother? Ok that was a little rude but I have to say, considering the sheer volume and scale of the ignorance professed by the cousins and aunts that Ms. Khan periodically enlightens about the birds and the bees throughout her piece, it doesn’t seem like the brightest family ever does it?

“Before my cousin got married, I asked if sex had been explained to her. My aunt said that she had friends who had recently gotten married so they explained it to her. I wanted her to know her rights and that she had the ability to say "no" and that sex is something to be enjoyed for both parties, not just one. There is actually a celebration in Pakistan for consummating the relationship, it's called the Valima and it's held the night after the wedding. It seems so odd that there would be an actual celebration for the consummation, but no real explanation about sex.”

Good point Ms. Khan. Do you think our reluctance to have long, complicated, graphic discussions about the consummation we are celebrating at a Valima has anything to do with the fact that, unlike you, we don’t think talking about sex with our grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, strangers etc in a formal, public setting while simultaneously stuffing our faces with korma and biryani is particularly healthy? Or remotely erotic? Or entirely sane?

“I have another friend here who isn't married and when I asked if she knew what sex was, she said she didn't. Even after all these years my mouth still fell open in shock. Our other friend is married, and she just looked at me as if to keep quiet. Pakistan has become more Western in a lot of areas, but clearly not in this one.”

Here is what actually happened. Ms. Khan tried that whole rude, intrusive question thing she indicated she had a thing for in the first para again, and a mutual friend shot her a warning ‘wtf is wrong with you shut up’ look. So yes, we in Pakistan are indeed grateful that we are still lagging behind the west in the Munhphat arena.


And now for a handy clue as to why she is so obsessed with the sex lives of others.

“Here, there is no "flirting." I've tried to flirt with men, but normally get told off. Once I was in the car with my aunt, who's a bit conservative, and she noticed me staring at this guy next to us. She told me not to stare as it doesn't look nice. How exactly it doesn't look nice, I don't know, I thought to myself.”

Platonic embraces only

That’s right. You read it correctly. Jeanette Khan wrote ‘here, there is no flirting’ in reference to Pakistan. The country where phool walas flirt with female drivers (overheard at traffic light yesterday ‘main Allah say kuch aur mang layta’), women flirt with vendors (all is fair in love, war and bargaining) and the president flirts with female dignitaries. The mind boggles.

“Sexual expression is fully repressed here, at least in front of families. Sometimes cousins are even kept apart after a certain age to dispel interaction. I'm not allowed to go to my aunt's house without the older family members because she lives in a huge joint-family system where there are a number of young adult unmarried men. I am an unmarried young female. When I do meet these cousins I just bow my head to greet them and that's the extent of our interaction.”

Just another day at Meerkat Manor then.

No cousins allowed at this wedding obviously

“That's not to say that men and women don't date. They do, but always clandestinely. I've seen numerous couples and groups of men and women out eating and enjoying themselves.”

Yes, being seen in public is exactly what ‘clandestinely’ means.


Then there is a vignette about the time Ms. Khan managed to get "an elder male cousin alone" one day. It involved a lot of cloak and dagger stuff, like his having to sneak out of his grandmother’s house, her father having to cover for her, her running out of their vacation home to his car parked outside the gate. It reads just like a Jane Austen novel, except without the masterful descriptive lyricism, compelling storyline, or interesting characters.


When she finally manages to get aforementioned ‘elder male cousin alone’, “he looked so shocked.”

Rohypnol can do that to a person.


Ms. Khan makes an attempt to contextualize her utter and complete lack of self awareness with the following paragraph:

“The thing is that Pakistan isn't so wholesome sexually when it doesn't want to be. Lahore even has a famous red light district, called Heera Mandi. Men go there and pay a few rupees to sleep with the girls, often young girls who have been kidnapped or have to sell their bodies to make money for their families. Other women are from generations of prostitutes; it's their only way to survive. The thing about it is everyone knows what goes on there, but nothing's really done about it, at least officially.”

So now the readers of The Huffington Post think it costs a few rupees to sleep with a girl in Lahore - Ms Khan’s already tattered credentials are thus irreparably damaged by her misplaced faith in our currency - and that our culture fosters a strong tradition of prostitution while simultaneously doing all it can to keep cousins apart.

A Huffington Post reader arrives in search of good bargains [Photo: Noor Khan]

Her masterful encapsulation of sex in Pakistan ends with the following kernels of wisdom.

“Pakistan is caught somewhere between sexual repression and sexual exploration; only time will tell where it goes next.”

As a Pakistani, I would like you all to join me in a little prayer. May we never have to go to Jeanetteland. Ameen.