Song of the Times

Stumbled across this hilarious gem of a song by legendary Indian composer Madan Mohan from the first film he ever composed for. The film was Aankhen, the year was 1950. The singers are the vocal giants Shamshad Begum and Mukesh. The song is timeless, and nothing if not pertinent to Pakistani politics these days.

By the way, the news today is that Sindh University has asked the Higher Education Commission (HEC) to be given further two months (TWO MONTHS!) to verify the degrees under its purview. That can mean one of two things. One, that the Sindh educational bureaucracy is really as inefficient as everyone thinks it is. OR. Or two, that after failing to delay the inevitable coming to light of fake degrees by using all manner of underhand pressure tactics (such as blackmailing the HEC Chairman by arresting his brother and raiding his home and threatening other education department staffers), the government has decided to employ this latest tactic of postponing the issue. I really don't feel like discussing this complicated and sordid business any further (yes, it's not a simple black and white case as columnist Mosharraf Zaidi eloquently explains here). But I am quite happy to make light of it, for God knows we need some light in our lives.

So here's to you, Babar Awan.

Why Jamshed Dasti Really Should Be Jailed

Ok, I know we've only made fun of MNA Jamshed Dasti's verbal diarrhoea so far. But really, enough is enough. It's one thing to be a buffoon who never realizes that everyone laughs at him. It's quite another to be a dangerous and slimy bastard. This time he has really crossed the line and it would be shameful if the Supreme Court does not immediately take suo moto notice of his shenanigans.

Dasti and Mukhtaran: Two types of role models

The Express Tribune has today published an explosive story in which gang-rape survivor and all round role-model Mukhtaran Mai has claimed that she has been at the receiving end of threats and pressure from Dasti to drop her case against the people she accuses of conniving in the violence against her.

"In an exclusive interview with The Express Tribune, Mukhtar Mai, an iconic character who came to the limelight for her brave fight for justice after being gang-raped, has alleged that MNA Jamshed Dasti is threatening her family through his emissaries to withdraw the case or face dire consequences. ...“Mr Dasti threatened me last week through his messengers in Mir Wala (Muzaffargarh) to withdraw my case from the apex court and to compromise with the Mastoi Brathery, 14 members of whom are in prison,” Mukhtar Mai said in an exclusive interview with The Express Tribune. 

Mukhtar also alleged that Dasti, through the supporters of Federal Minister for Defence Production, Sardar Qayyum Jatoi, whose constituency she lives in, is putting pressure on her family in all sorts of ways.  She said that her 60-year-old father, who is a woodcutter by profession, had also been warned that he would have to face the music."

By the way, Sardar Abdul Qayyum Jatoi is the same idiot who said this. Birds of a feather and all that. Just in case you had any doubts about Mukhtaran's account:

"Meanwhile, when approached by The Express Tribune, an unabashed Jamshed Dasti, who is no stranger to controversy, confirmed that he had indeed requested Mukhtar to reach a compromise on the matter.

He claimed that the judgment delivered by the then Anti-Terrorism Court in the case was adversely affected by immense pressure from then president Pervez Musharraf and anti-Islamic lobbies. “I swear, the persons imprisoned in jail are innocent and the court has no justification giving the death sentence to the accused persons in a gang-rape case,” a furious Dasti said. The Supreme Court may take up the case and decide it within ninety days, he said, criticising Mukhtar as someone who distorted the image of Islam and played into the hands of non-Muslim NGOs."

Leave aside the issue of how Dasti has committed blatant contempt of court - which the courts should decide on. But to blame the sentence on pressure from Musharraf - who it may be recalled had himself famously questioned the motivations of rape victims who stood up for their rights in general and tried his best to downplay the Mukhtaran Mai saga  - just boggles the mind.

What is even more baffling, nay shameful, is how the PPP can still support a man whose opinions fly in the face of all that the liberal PPP is supposed to be about. This is not just mere stupidity. It is blackmail, criminal threats and siding with oppression.

It's about time Dasti is asked to pack his bags. Preferably for jail.

Aslam Raisani: The Standup

Chief Minister Balochistan Muhammad Aslam Raisani is a man of few words. And we should all be thankful for that. Because when he does open his mouth, all sorts of funny pronouncements come pouring out. And it takes time to savour their genius.

Aslam Raisani: a devilish sense of humour?

By now everyone must have heard of his latest declaration that "a degree is a degree, whether fake or real" - said in response to a question about the impact of the drive against parliamentarians who lied about their educational qualifications. Well said, Mr Raisani. And a law is a law, whether stupid or good. And by your logic, a room is a room, whether it's the bedroom in the house or a prison cell. So people who get hauled up for flouting the law, should not mind at all.

But that's not the end of Mr Raisani's cheeky sense of humour, since as we all know, it's difficult to stop once you're on a roll. So we also have the following:

"Chief Minister Nawab Aslam Raisani advised the unemployed youth protesting against the unemployment to join politics and become ministers in their bid to end unemployment."

What's that they say about many a true word being spoken in jest? Give it up for Aslam Raisani folks.

Conceptual Terrorism

Un-fucking-believable! Further proof, if any were needed, that morons are on the loose everywhere (via Gawker). Should make Pakistanis feel a little better about their elected parliamentary cretins.

This is US Representative Louis Gohmert, Republican Congressman from Texas, detailing the most ingenious terrorist plot against the US ever devised...



So, in a nutshell, Al Qaeda would impregnate young women, get them visas for the US in order for them to give birth in Amreeka so that their babies are American citizens, then bring them back to indoctrinate them for 20 to 30 years, and send them back to the US to destroy it? Tell you what: if terrorists are this long-sighted, visionary and ingenious, they deserve some genius grants.

Rep. Gohmert (by the way, this is the same guy who called Obama 'Hitler'), on the other hand, deserves a nice padded cell on an urgent basis.

Shoania Moania - II

Will this never end?

First there was news yesterday, that Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani intends to send a parliamentary delegation, headed by Population Welfare minister Firdous Ashiq Awan, to attend the "Shoania" (here I must acknowledge reader Takhalus' far better name 'ShoSan', but I am sticking to what is already out there) wedding. (Thanks to reader Asif Ali Khan for drawing attention to this news.)

Parliamentary delegation??? At the taxpayers' expense? Why???

Gilani has also intimated that he is going to send a "special gift" for the couple. Ms Awan has already said, obviously feeling she must live up to her portfolio, that she intends to give the couple a "family planning kit." What could possibly be more special than boxes of Saathi on your wedding?

But today, there is "breaking" news (what else!) that it has been discovered that Shoaib Malik's father's name on the Sania wedding invitation is different from that on his Ayesha / Maha Siddiqui divorce papers. On the wedding invite he is named as Malik Faqir Hussain, while on the divorce papers he is named as Malik Saleem Hussain. When Geo called on Shoaib's brother (I suspect the step-brother since he also moaned about not being invited to the wedding) to explain the anomaly, he gave some bizarre story about his father having gone through a phase some 20-25 years ago where he "zabani taur par" (verbally) changed his name, though not officially. Ok, so dad was going through an identity or a mid-life crisis or he didn't really like his name... why that should make any difference to official legal papers submitted now, I just don't understand.

I tell you, between the media, this family and the Siddiquis, it's enough to drive anyone bonkers.

Two Twits Down, One To Go

This has really been a good week in some respects.

First there was news about wankmeister Zaid Zaman Hamid's long overdue comeuppance, initially at the hands of students in Peshawar and finally with a cartoonish flop show on 23rd March in Lahore. This is how Nadeem Farooq Paracha blogged about it on Dawn's website:

"For months the Zaid Hamid brigade had been congesting cyber space and the two TV channels that the haughty ideological quack is a regular fixture on, with promises of holding a ‘massive gathering of youth’ at the Minar-e-Pakistan on this year’s Pakistan Day (23rd March).

However, the no-show by Zaid and his fans at the Minar-e-Pakistan suggests the long honeymoon Mr. Hamid had been enjoying may be as good as over.

He simply failed to reach the Minar-e-Pakistan, not because he had a massive body of passionate young men with him chanting for his caliphate, but mainly due to him chickening out in the face of an announcement made by a radical Islamist group that recently named him in a police FIR for murder.

Perturbed  the articulate (but not very accurate) TV ideologue decided to hold his ‘historic’ rally at Lahore’s spacious Alhamra amphitheatre.

A man who likes posing in (passé) revolutionary attire and who it seems is always ready to pick up a Stinger missile and boldly cross into India and take-over Delhi, decided to quietly escape being at a venue where presence of a fringe group was expected.

So, the following message was fired by the man on the 23rd March: “Alhamdulillah, for tactical reasons, the venue for Takmeel e Pakistan has now been shifted to Alhamra Open Air Theatre adjacent to Gaddafi Stadium. Insha’Allah it is going to be an emotionally charged ideological, historical, earth-shaking event. Spread the message to your friends. Each one of you please do bring along a sabz hilali parcham. Be there by 3:30 p.m. Insha’Allah. PAKISTAN ZINDABAD! ONWARDS TO TAKMEEL E PAKISTAN! See you there Insha’Allah!”

Now that we know what the ‘tactical reason’ was for the sudden change of venue, what happened next was even more ‘earth shaking.’ No-one turned up.

Reports coming in from those who did decide to go, suggest that there were hardly a hundred Hamid fans present there. Funnier still was the fact that the Alhamra Hall was booked on urgent basis (by Hamid and co.) not as a venue for a rally, but for an ‘urgent marriage ceremony’!

So what happened? A figurative divorce of sorts."

You can see for yourself the "earth-shaking" event at the Alhamra:








And then today we've had news that the incompetent and afflicted-with-verbal-diarrhoea Mr Jamshed Dasti (of the Muzaffargarh PPP and chairman of the National Assembly's Standing Committee on Sports) has been forced to resign from the National Assembly after his Master's degree in Islamiat was adjudged to be fake by the Supreme Court.

The details of Mr Dasti's humiliation are rather tantalizing. Asked a series of questions by the Supreme Court hearing the challenge to his credentials, Mr Dasti managed to make even the justices cringe. Asked what were the subjects he studied for his degree and which year his degree was awarded, Mr. Dasti expressed complete ignorance. He was then asked to name the first 15 chapters of the Quran - he could not. Asked to name the first 5, he again could not. Finally asked to name at least the first and second, he replied that they were "Alhamd Sharif" (it's actually called "Sura-e-Fateha") and "Sura-e-Aal-e-Imran" (it's actually Sura-e-Baqrah, Aal-e-Imran is the third). Now, I doubt most people could name the first 15 chapters in exact order but keep in mind that the man supposedly had an MA in Islamiat. He was also asked how much 4 times 2 is, which he also apparently got wrong. After the Chief Justice told him to rethink his defence, he asked for time and ran away from the court only to have his lawyer come back and tell the court that he had submitted his resignation from the parliament.

Dasti lords his incompetence over others (Source: APP)

But dheet that he is, he still had the temerity to appear on Geo News to sheepishly say that he accepted the court's verdict and that he put his faith in God. I think his actual words were "Allah khair karay ga" (God will make everything all right). Do recall that this is the man who used to breathe fire and brimstone from the pulpit of the Sports Committee and fling around allegations like nobody's business. So not only is he a fraudster and incredibly stupid, he is also unrepentantly macho. The combination boggles the mind.

But he is not the only one who has been caught out faking his credentials. At least 3 other parliamentarians from the Punjab have resigned in the face of similar humiliation. Personally, I see no reason why this should be the end of the matter. Firstly, what about the two years' worth of salaries, allowances and perks they have managed to wangle from the people of Pakistan? The least that should be done is for these amounts to be recovered from them. But equally importantly, why should resignation from parliament be the end-all for them? They have knowingly defrauded the state of Pakistan, subverted the electoral will of the people and denied the legitimate candidates who stood against them. Even if this does not fall within the ambit of high treason, a stint of jail time is the least they should now enjoy.

You know what would make it a perfect week? If someone took a shoe to another fake fraudster, Mr Hardilazeez Twit himself.

Parliamentary Cretinism - Part II

If you thought Punjab under the Sharifs was a model of serious legislative work, think again. This story from Dawn today made me laugh out loud, only because what else can one do? (Here, by the way, is the earlier story I had done about parliamentary cretinism.)

The operative parts of the story, well-titled " MPAs at 'self-serving best' "  are copied below for your convenience:

"Members of the Punjab Assembly were at their “self-serving best” when they, in two different resolutions on Tuesday, demanded memberships of the Lahore Gymkhana and administrative powers of the department for the ministers, respectively.

Both resolutions were pended by the speaker on different grounds till next session, but it did not deter the movers to keep pressing in favour of their resolutions. With their over-riding wish for the membership of the elite club on Upper Mall, the mover sacrificed rationality.

Dr Asad Asharaf, of the PML-N, moved the membership resolution, telling the house that the club was “constructed on a piece of land which belongs to the poor people of Punjab.” Since this house represented the poor of the province, its members be given the membership of the club.

The membership of the club was “restricted to the kingmaker elite, depriving the elected representatives.” In the federal capital, members of the National Assembly were given the membership of Islamabad Club, he insisted."

Poor Dr Asad Ashraf's (top) Gymkhana ambitions have been kept pending by Rana Sanaullah (below)

You have to admire the shameless audacity of the PML-N MPA' s argument. May be that's what his doctorate degree is in: Doctorate in Audacity. Law Minister Rana Sanaullah (who recently defended his publicly befriending members of banned jihadi outfits to get votes in Jhang) promised to take up the matter with the Gymkhana management.

"As if it was not enough, another treasury member stood up to demand that the entire cabinet be given “administrative control of their departments”. Rana Sana again had to chime in to get the resolution pended, saying the resolution involved “administrative re-arrangements that only the Punjab government could decide”. Feasibility of the demand must be checked before making it, lest one wants to keep on making “impractical demands,” he added." 

Never ones to shy away from diligent legislative cretinism, however, the MPAs pressed on:

"The members also locked their horns over “whether the animals and birds’ fights during different local festivals be banned or not?” Someone pointed out that there was already a law, called Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, 1890, and any resolution on this account would show as if there was no law on the subject. The members should fully assess an issue before framing a resolution, the minister demanded.  But the movers insisted that resolution must be carried, which was opposed by a majority of the house.

 Bhatti sahib of Gujar Khan: won't take home a DVD of 3 Idiots for his wife no more

Shaukat Aziz Bhatti wanted a resolution “condemning the Indian neglect of Pakistani cricket players in its premier league. The Indians have exhibited their traditional anti-Islam prejudice and it must be condemned with full force.” The Pakistanis must boycott Indian goods, he demanded and the house agreed to it."

That's your taxes at work, folks.

Parliamentary Cretinism - Part I

Two stories, from two provincial assemblies had me in fits. Or they would have, had I known what to make of them.

The first comes from the Sindh Assembly, which in its session to pass the provincial budget, also took time out to observe one minute of solemn silence for... Michael Jackson. Yes, believe it or not. WTF?!? As Dan Qayyum of the blog Pakistan Ka Khuda Hafiz observed in his post 'A Minute's Silence for the Death of Common Sense, Please':

"The point isn’t whether Jacko was a global superstar or that he had reportedly converted to Islam – Michael Jackson had absolutely f*ck-all to do with Pakistan, its history, its culture, its language, its people and its politics. This is the Provincial Assembly of Sindh, Pakistan, not the California State Assembly. Or are we now officially the 51st state?

What next? Will Muttahida’s gun toting ‘activists’ and PPP Jayalas forcefully shut all businesses in Karachi for a shutter-down strike next time Britney shaves her head? Or will we have a national day of mourning when Paris Hilton’s little pooch dies?"

I always knew that MJ had a special place in the hearts of Makranis (understandably) and Sindhis (inexplicably) but irrespective of the Sindh Assembly wanting to Heal the World, surely this is setting a Bad precedent. In the face of the myriad other problems facing the province, this bit of sentimental tomfoolery could even be termed Dangerous. Perhaps all I want to say is, they don't really care about us.

The second news item comes from the Punjab Assembly where Shakespearean quotes seem to have sparked off an offense-taking spree from Lahore-loving MNAs. According to Dawn (pg3, 'Of Lahore, Rome and Prickliness'):

"Sheikh Ala-ud-Din of PML-Q Forward Bloc on Saturday must have made history in the Punjab Assembly when he walked out of the house in protest against something that was never said. The ire of the Sheikh, a member from Kasur (PP-181) fell on Mohsin Leghari (PP-245, DG Khan) of the PML-Q when Mr Leghari, while accentuating his southern roots, read a few lines from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Mr Leghari, delivering his budget speech, maintained the finance bill was more of an urban document, which excluded rural development. Speaking on the neglect of southern Punjab, he said though he loved Lahore – a city where he was educated, got his first employment and still resides in – he has not forgotten his ancestral land. Explaining his predicament, he quoted from the last scene of the Julius Caesar, where Brutus explains his killing of Caesar by saying: “It’s not that I loved Caesar less, but I loved Rome more.” Provoked either by his lack of understanding or knowledge, Mr Ala-ud-Din immediately stood on a point of order and started grilling Mr Leghari for insulting Lahore, which gave him education, employment and residence, and thundered:

“This Lahore bashing must end, especially by those who have benefited immensely from the city.” Both Speaker Rana Iqbal and Mr Mohsin tried to convince their colleague that no insulting remark had been passed against Lahore, but to no avail. After making an emotional speech, Sheikh Ala-ud Din walked out of the house in protest against “insult to Lahore”. He was later brought back by Education Minister Mian Mujtaba Shujaur Rahman on speaker’s request, and the minister also lectured the house on avoiding hurting each others’ territorial feelings. As if all this was not enough, Dr Asad Ashraf of the PML-N found a new dimension to the innocent quote and stunned everyone in the house. On next point of order, he took off by saying: “Since Mr Mohsin has called himself Caesar, he must know how Caesar was born. It was his difficult birth, which gave birth to Caesarian Operation (C-Section). How bad Caesar proved for his mother.”"

You know what they say, about a little education being a bad thing?