Pakistani Converts Would-Be Robber, Names Him

Every once in a while a story comes along that makes you... burst out laughing. Here's one from CNN. One has to say, it had to be a Pakistani!

Merciful storekeeper changes robber's mind, religion

From Kiran Khalid

CNN

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A potential victim became a compassionate counselor during a recent robbery attempt, changing the would-be criminal's mind -- and apparently his religion.

Storekeeper Mohammad Sohail was closing up his Long Island convenience store just after midnight on May 21 when -- as shown on the store's surveillance video -- a man came in wielding a baseball bat and demanding money.

"He said, 'Hurry up and give me the money, give me the money!' and I said, 'Hold on'," Sohail recalled in a phone interview with CNN on Tuesday, after the store video and his story was carried on local TV.

Sohail said he reached under the counter, grabbed his shotgun and told the robber to drop the bat and get down on his knees.

"He's crying like a baby," Sohail said. "He says, 'Don't call police, don't shoot me, I have no money, I have no food in my house.' "

Amidst the man's apologies and pleas, Sohail said he felt a surge of compassion.

He made the man promise never to rob anyone again and when he agreed, Sohail gave him $40 and a loaf of bread.

"When he gets $40, he's very impressed, he says, 'I want to be a Muslim just like you,' " Sohail said, adding he had the would-be criminal recite an Islamic oath.

"I said 'Congratulations. You are now a Muslim and your name is Nawaz Sharif Zardari.'"

When asked why he chose the hybrid of two Pakistani presidents' names, the Pakistani immigrant laughed and said he had been watching a South Asian news channel moments before the confrontation.

Sohail said the man fled the store when he turned away to get the man some free milk.

He said police might still be looking for the suspect but he doesn't intend to press charges.

"The guy, you know, everybody has a hard time right now, it's too bad for everybody right now in this economy," said the storekeeper.

From Zamzama to Jalala

Just think. That family fleeing Swat, Buner or Dir could be yours darling. Ok I know it would be better, and certainly less heavily, dressed for the occasion. And I know Tinku is a lazy slob who hates going out without his Prado and that I NEVER miss that Nabeela appointment come what may. But there comes a time in the life of every man, woman and child when a decision, however traumatic, has to be made.

Even if your child's future at Grammar School is jeopardised.

And just think of the decisions you must make. I mean, do you take your cat who has travel sickness? Will there be tuna cat food available? Do you trust your maid with your wardrobe key and your chowkidar with the booze cupboard?

Well given that the Taliban are now approaching Ch Khaliquzzaman Road, I think there is no time to think. I hate being forced to wear stuff I don't like and Tinku prefers his French beard to other facial hair. And having to surrender our 42 inch HD flat screen Sony to some rude idiot is too horrible to contemplate.

So it's time to leave for Badin, which my cousin who has lands nearby assures me is quite safe. He tells me the locals are quite sufi so I suppose they won't be too hostile. Someone just set up a tentage village there, which I am assured, is quite particular about its admission policy. I hear a Sindh club membership card helps a lot here, so whatever you do don't forget that.

Given that we just donated 100 plastic water coolers, 150 lotas 300 bars of Lifebuoy soap to the Jalala lot at the office, can I just make a small appeal for the Badin camp where people like you and me are going to be? No lotas, water coolers and cheap soap please. Here are some quick tips on what you could donate:

For Her

Good sun block
Shades (would hate to be recognised on Dawn News queuing for the loo)
Fat free milk (soya for the vegans among us)
Some trashy bestsellers and lots of film magazines
The pill (might get romantic in that tent )

For Him

Chargers for i-phones and Blackberries (Shit, I always bloody forget it)
I-pods. Preferably loaded (no Bollywood numbers please)
USBs for laptops (PC and Mac)
Swiss knives (yar the bloody things have EVERYTHING)
Hip flasks (who knows, might bump into a bootlegger)
Condoms (you never know, there might be a hot babe in the tent next door)

Anything I have forgotten? Please let me know.

Picture of the Day

Got this in the email, and really felt like sharing. Did Prince Philip Phart? The expressions on the faces, particularly the Queen, are priceless... 

110-year-old Man Dies Under Mysterious Circumstances

A headline in today's Daily Times Karachi pages tells us of the shocking loss of centenarian Yousuf from Nazimabad, who shuffled off this mortal coil at the tender age of 110. Gone too soon (to make the Guinness World Record). While most of us consider it an impressive feat to survive Karachi past the age of 40, here are some possible reasons why Yousuf's passing may have been considered mysterious:

He was not honour-killed
He did not have any affiliation to Denmark, Norway or any other conspicuously Scandinavian country
He wasn't attempting to flee Swat on foot, with a refrigerator strapped to his back
He wasn't a member of the constabulary
He wasn't driving through Shara-e-Faisal during a riot
He wasn't beheaded by the Taliban for trying to watch the American Idol finale
He was not stuck in an unmoving ambulance on a road blocked to allow a member of parliament to attend a wedding on time
He was not a woman who had an argument with her father/husband/boyfriend/uncle/in-laws
He didn't catch a nasty disease at an IDP camp
The only American drones he encountered were the ones presenting Fox News
His death was not agreed upon by a tribal jirga
His ventilator/respirator/dialysis machine didn't succumb to loadshedding
He wasn't anywhere near a visiting cricket team
He didn't commit suicide due to sheer helplessness

I can fully understand why the coroners are stumped.

Stranger to Writing

Following the publication of his sensational autobiography A Stranger To History, an autobiography/experimental work of Science Fiction using real geographical locations, the talented author who shall remain nameless (being nameless plays a large role in his life) has had his publicist contact his well-known politico/media-mogul father to ask if he may use his premises for a book launch in Pakistan. One can only imagine his father's reaction. Hopefully it shan't manifest itself as a bill passed in parliament permanently preventing book launches in the Punjab.

Autobiography is a much-favoured medium in Pakistan, being, as it is, a long gossipy phonecall but with page-numbers. Fiction, on the other hand, is considered flippant and without purpose as this only increases one's knowledge of humanity and not of who your neighbour was sleeping with in the 80s. I'll wager that the next best-selling autobiography we come across will be entitled 'Daddy Played the Field', written by one Tyrian White-Khan, daughter of the Beast - aka Imran Khan. It's a slam-dunk. Sign her up now, she's money in the bank.

Of course, when it comes to autobiographies, and pardon the pun, you can't beat Tehmina Durrani. Or rather, you can't beat her enough.

Why Shoaib Akhtar is the Poster-Child for Pakistan

After all that brouhaha about Shoaib Akhtar's viral genitalia, The News' Khalid Hussain informs us today that "Shoaib's fitness problems aren't just skin deep." Ho-hum. Tell us something we didn't know. If his incessant tantrums, loud-mouthed shaubda-pan, his steroid-pumping, lack of any kind of discipline, his inability to bowl even 10 overs in a one-day match and increasing inability to take wickets and his regular pulling out of critical fixtures because of one excuse or another were not enough, we now discover that he is addicted to "strong painkillers", in the absence of which he is reduced to a grovelling junkie.

“Shoaib was so desperate for a particular pain-killing injection during the tour of UAE that he almost begged a local doctor for it. The doctor, however, told him that he would risk being thrown out of UAE is he administered that injection,” said a source.

Anyone with half a mind would have rid Pakistan cricket of this pathetic loser a long, long time ago. But even more importantly, anyone with even a shred of decency would themselves have announced an end to their career and sought psychiatric help. Not our genital-wart man of course.

Apparently, Shoaib has refused to accept PCB’s decision and is planning to feature in the RBS National Twenty20 Cup getting underway in Lahore from May 25. It was announced on Saturday that he would lead Islamabad Leopards in the five-day event in spite of being advised by the PCB Medical Board to rest and get treatment for at least ten days.

His plans to feature in the RBS Cup have posed yet another headache for the PCB management. Sources close to Shoaib claimed that the pacer may make also some disclosures about an alleged plot by the team management to get him axed from the England-bound squad.

I have long maintained that, rather than letting the country down, today's Pakistani cricketers perfectly represent the Pakistani nation of today. They share three characteristics that have come to define us completely: a total lack of discipline, an over-reliance on luck, and an acute inability to foresee the consequences of our actions. Anyone seeing Shahid 'Boom Boom' Afridi batting will immediately see the similarities between it and, oh for example, the Kargil adventure.

But Shoaib 'Take Me Warts And All' Akhtar's latest shenanigans have made me think he truly is the poster-boy for what is wrong with us as a nation. Not only does he fulfil each of the characteristics outlined above, he also perfectly mirrors our penchant for feeding conspiracy theories without a shred of evidence and looking to blame others for our self-inflicted problems. It's never our fault, it's always someone out to get us since we are potentially so great. Megalomania combined with paranoia.

Of course, he intends to participate in the RBS Twenty20 not out of any love for the Islamabad Leopards or for the tournament, but only to shame the PCB (as if it needs any shaming). More eyes are bound to be glued on to his crotch than anywhere on the field (perhaps RBS should put their logo there) and I'd love to see how his teammates treat the ball he will inevitably rub there and shine with his spit. Nobody has ever accused us of being extremely rational about science, and particularly about the science of infectious diseases. If the medical reports are correct, he is also likely to further aggravate his 'condition' by playing, and just writing those words makes me wince.

Which brings me to the other way Mr. Akhtar represents Pakistan. Like our country, he has an uncanny predilection for negotiating with others by holding a gun to his own head.

 

Dawn Goes Bonkers

So of course EVERYONE is talking about the 'explosive' story about veteran American journalist Seymour 'Sy' Hersh that appeared on Dawn's back page today, in which he reportedly told Gulf News that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated by a special death squad working on the orders of then US Vice President Dick Cheney.

WASHINGTON, May 18: A special death squad assassinated Pakistans former prime minister Benazir Bhutto on the orders of former US vice-president Dick Cheney, claims an American investigative journalist Seymour Hersh.

Mr Hersh, a Washington-based journalist who writes for the New Yorker magazine and other prominent media outlets, also claims that the former vice-president was running an “executive assassination ring” throughout the Bush years. The cell reported directly to Mr Cheney.

Now, this is a not a story to be scoffed at. For one, it's a four column story on the back page of Dawn, "the newspaper of record", as the Haroons dub it. Secondly, it is quoting Hersh, who established his reputation as an investigative reporter with his expose on the My Lai massacre in Vietnam and who has done numerous high profile pieces since then. And I for one certainly don't put anything past Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney. But still, there was something about the story that did not sit well with me. Perhaps it was the following:

Mr Hersh indicated that the same unit killed Ms Bhutto because in an interview with Al Jazeera TV on Nov 2, 2007, she had said she believed Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was already dead. She said she believed Omar Saeed Sheikh, an Al Qaeda activist imprisoned in Pakistan for killing US journalist Daniel Pearl had murdered Bin Laden.

But the interviewer, veteran British journalist David Frost, deleted her claim from the interview, Mr Hersh said.

The controversial US journalist told Gulf News on May 12 he believed Ms Bhutto was assassinated because the US leadership did not want Bin Laden to be declared dead.The Bush administration wanted to keep Bin Laden alive to justify the presence of US army in Afghanistan to combat the Taliban, Mr Hersh said.

I don't know about anyone else but assassinating the first woman to head a Muslim country's government and a world charmer simply because she "believed" Osama bin Laden was dead (which certainly may not have jibed with the US plans for the region), sounds a bit too far-fetched even in the case of Cheney. Particularly more so considering how much under the Americans' thumb Benazir had become, who had gone out of their way to smooth her return to power by negotiating and forcing a deal on Musharraf. Why couldn't they simply have called her and told her, 'Look, you take that back or we'll take the NRO back!' Knowing BB, nothing would have mortified her more than feeling the Americans were getting pissed off.

But there's more to make one arch one's eyebrows. There's also a tidbit in there about BB allegedly saying that Omar Saeed Sheikh, the alleged killer of US journalist Daniel Pearl, had murdered Osama bin Laden and that this claim was "deleted" by Sir David Frost, the interviewer. Now, I know I'm in cuckoo land. Either BB was cuckoo - Omar Sheikh has been in jail since February 2002 when OBL was still very much around - or Sy Hersh is cuckoo or Dawn's unnamed reporter and his sources are cuckoo. As to whether such a claim was actually made by BB, well, rather than being deleted as claimed, this obvious slip of the tongue has been doing the rounds for a long time on the net leading to much merriment and all sorts of nutters going berserk about it. The full statement where BB utters those words in their context can be viewed here:

In any case, I decided to do a bit of investigation into this story myself. Here's what I found: Hersh did make the claim that a Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC) was going around liquidating "high value" targets around the world, without Congressional oversight and reporting directly to Cheney. These claims were made first in a 'Great Conversations' event about "America's Constitutional Crisis" at the University of Minnesota on March 10. The claims were first reported by journalist and blogger Eric Black, who happened to be at the event and recorded the event. The report is here and the audio recording of the entire thing is also on the site.

Subsequently, i.e. a few weeks later, other media and other bloggers began picking up the story. It was, after all, Sy Hersh saying these things. On March 30, CNN's Wolf Blitzer did a piece on it. Eric Black reported on it again here, which includes video of Blitzer's talk with Sy Hersh as well as two Cheneyites who try and defend their former boss. National Public Radio also interviewed Sy Hersh about his claims about the JSOC on March 30.  Curiously, neither of these reports says anything about the American rambos killing BB or Lebanese PM Rafik Hariri, also named as a target in the Dawn report.

So, I guess I had to go to the Gulf News report which apparently began it all. You can read the entire interview of Hersh here and see the video of the same interview here. Of course, there is NO mention of Benazir anywhere in the interview but this is what was said about Hariri:

GULF NEWS: You have spoken about an assassination unit that reported to Cheney called the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC). There have been allegations that this unit was responsible for former Lebanese prime minister Rafik Hariri's assassination.

SEYMOUR HERSH: I can't verify [that]. What I said was, and what I have written more than once, is that there's a special unit that does high-value targeting of men that we believe are known to be involved in anti-American activities, or are believed to be planning such activities.

In Cheney's view this isn't murder, but carrying out the "war on terror". And in the view of me and my friends, including people in government, this is crazy. The vice president is committing a crime. You can't authorise the murder of people. And it's not just in Iraq and Afghanistan, it's in a lot of other countries, in the Middle East and in South Asia and North Africa and even central America.

In the early days, many of the names were cleared through Cheney's office. One of his aides, John Hanna, went on TV and acknowledged that the programme exists, and said killing these people is not murder but an act of war that is justified legally.

The former head of JSOC has just been named the new commander in charge of the war in Afghanistan, which is very interesting to me.

About Hariri, what I've always maintained - I was in the position of seeing and interviewing President Bashar Al Assad on the day Hariri was killed in February 2005 - it seemed clear to me that he knew nothing about it. But I never wrote anything about it, even the fact that I was there, because I had no empirical or factual basis for knowing whether he was involved or not, and I never did. And I decided to wait for the investigations and they have come up with no concrete evidence that Syria did it. Despite the fact that one of the earlier investigators speculated that he did, he didn't know.

Could JSOC have been responsible?

No. Hariri, America. No. Impossible. There was no reason. JSOC's responsibility was to go after what they call high-value targets.

So what is going on with the "newspaper of record"? Are its correspondents on drugs? Where have they got this information from? We don't know. What we do know is that the story has become viral and millions more in conspiracy-ridden Pakistan are now going to believe BB was assassinated by the US no matter what subsequently appears in the press or even Dawn. Let's leave the final word to Sy Hersh himself:

LAHORE - US journalist Seymour Hersh has contradicted news reports being published in South Asia that quote him as saying a “special death squad” created by former US vice president Dick Cheney had killed Benazir Bhutto.

The award-winning journalist described as “complete madness” the reports that the squad headed by General Stanley McChrystal, the new commander of US Army in Afghanistan, had also killed former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafique Al Hariri and a Lebanese Army Chief.

“Vice president Cheney does not have a death squad. I have no idea who killed Hariri or Bhutto,” Hersh said.

“I have never said that I did have such information. I most certainly did not say anything remotely to that effect during an interview with an Arab media outlet,” the Daily Times quoted Hersh, as saying.

He said General McChrystal had run a special forces unit that engaged in “high value target activity”, but “while I have been critical of some of that unit’s activities in the pages of the New Yorker and in interviews, I have never suggested that he was involved in political assassinations or death squads on behalf of Cheney, as the published stories state.”

Hersh regretted that none of the publications had contacted him before carrying the report.

“This is another example of blogs going bonkers with misleading and fabricated stories and professional journalists repeating such rumours without doing their job - and that is to verify such rumours.” 

 

Name the Next Military Op

So, who says the Pakistani military is not divided? It is very much divided along language, at least as far as those who name military operations are concerned. One only has to take a look at the last two operations launched in Buner / Dir and now in Swat...

The Buner / Dir operation was/ is called "Black Thunder",  a name that was obviously coined by one of those hip officers more into James Hadley Chase or death metal than Abdullah Hussain or Iqbal Bano. But before those officers could crow about the coolness of their annointed name, the 'apni-zabaan'officers staged a counter-coup in the naming of the Swat operation. So now that one is called "Rah-e-Haq." Could it have been inspired by that 1965 Naseem Bano melody so beloved of the armed forces:

In any case, it seems that some sort of equilibrium is now in place within the armed forces wherein both of the English-wala and Urdu-wala groups can name every alternative military operation. I respectfully submit for consideration the following for subsequent ops:

The next English operation can be called "Operation The Unforgiven", "Operation Fade to Black", "Operation Shook Me All Night Long" or "Operation Highway to Hell". After that, since it would be the turn of the local boys, there really can be only one follow-up to "Rah-e-Haq": the next one should be called "Operation Wafa(q) ki Tasweeron".

Further suggestions welcome! :) 

Pakistan in the Eye of the Pig, Again

A case of swine flu?

 I knew this was coming... Please check out the following bit from an AP report about Swine Flu:

Medical detectives have not pinpointed where the outbreak began. Scientists believe that somewhere in the world, months or even a year ago, a pig virus jumped to a human and mutated, and has been spreading between humans ever since.

China has gone on a rhetorical offensive to squash any suggestion it's the source of the swine flu after some Mexican officials were quoted in media reports in the past week saying the virus came from Asia and the governor of Mexico's Veracruz state was quoted as saying the virus specifically came from China.

One of the deaths in Mexico directly attributed to swine flu was that of a Bangladeshi immigrant, said Mexico's chief epidemiologist Miguel Angel Lezana.

 

Lezana said the unnamed Bangladeshi had lived in Mexico for six months and was recently visited by a brother who arrived from Bangladesh or Pakistan and was reportedly ill. The brother has left Mexico and his whereabouts are unknown, Lezana said. He suggested the brother could have brought the virus from Pakistan or Bangladesh.

Oh COME ON! Is there anything bad in the world that is not the fault of Pakistan?! And of all things, SWINE flu?? If there is anything that will get Pakistanis' goat, it is being associated with a flu named after pigs! I know there are a lot of suar ke bachay in Pakistan but this is really beggaring belief!

Suck it up, Brian Hunt

So, the second bit of news from the weird Twilight Zone we inhabit is this:

The US Consul General in Lahore, Brian Hunt will give the "prestigious Congressional Eagle Award" to three Pakistanis on Thursday. "The award is being given for the first time to any Pakistani", according to the Press Release printed in The News.

Among the recipients are Geo reporter Moeen Ahmed, for filing a story about counterfeit vaccines; Mehar Khalil, the intrepid driver of the Sri Lankan cricket team bus during the 3/3 fiasco; and... wait for it... Hamza Sharif, son of Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif.

According to the Press Release:

"Hamza will be awarded for courageously running the business and other affairs of his family during their exile."

Do I really need to comment on this?

Raymond Becomes Interior Minister

Two bits of hilarious news culled from today's The News... I'll deal with the second one in a separate post...

The first one tells us that after winning a Senate seat, interior czar Rehman Malik has finally made it to full ministership (as opposed to advisership with the status of a full minister). It actually makes no difference at all to the people of Pakistan, not in terms of his job description or what he was doing (or not doing), nor in terms of the perks and privileges he was enjoying and will continue to enjoy. But it might force Fatima Bhutto to revise that line in her articles about unelected advisers holding the most important positions in this government.

But that is not the bit that caught my attention. About the only thing interesting about Rehman Malik being sworn in as federal interior minister was his Profile issued by the Interior Ministry (why this profile was not issued when he became de facto head of the ministry last year, I do not know; perhaps they needed time to 'research' it). Among the other swashbuckling superhero / Dick Tracy-like exploits and achievements it lists is the following:

"A post 9/11 Hollywood film under the name of Path to 9/11 based on his investigative work was televised both in USA and by BBC, UK. Famous Hollywood actor Art Malik played his role in the film."

Obviously, Mr. Malik had something to do with writing this profile since I have yet to come across such assiduous interest in the arts from even the culture ministry, let alone the interior ministry. But why the interior ministry or even Mr. Malik thinks it important to play this association up in the minister's official profile, is a bit beyond me. Especially since Art Malik also played the psychopathic Islamist terrorist in the Arnold Schwarzenneger vehicle True Lies. But there is obviously no accounting for tastes, or stopping those hungry for Hollywood-style glamour.

In actual fact, "Path to 9/11", far from being a Hollywood blockbuster, was a two-part television mini-series that ran on the American network ABC as well as, subsequently, on a number of other international channels. It starred the well-known actor Harvey Keitel, whereas Art Malik's name is 12th (!) on the official credit list. Not only that, it is obvious from the synopsis that, rather than being based on Col. Raymond Malik's "investigations", the story is actually about the alleged missed opportunities by the US government since the 1993 World Trade Center bombings to get Osama bin Laden, told throught the perspective of CIA and FBI operatives. This of course should be sort of evident from the name itself but also if you think about what possible "investigations" Rehman Malik could have been conducting while living in exile in London as a fugitive from the law from 1996 to 2007. The official profile also claims that "there are a number of international media reports highlighting his work in the field of anti-terrorism and money laundering" and that "there are around 1.43 million internet results on him." As far as I remember, it was he who was accused of money laundering, including because of his part-ownership of a company involved in the scandal-plagued UN oil-for-food Iraqi programme. Oh, and yeah, if you do a Google search for ALL Rehmans and ALL Maliks in the world, you get about that many results, not that the number of Google results has the slightest bit of relevance to why a man should be appointed interior minister.

But coming back to Path to 9/11, this is how the Wikipedia entry on it begins:

"The film was initially promoted as having a high level of authenticity, with claims that its screenplay was "based on the 9/11 Commission Report", but controversy arose when this claim was later removed by ABC. Critics pointed out that key scenes were fictional in nature, and controversy ensued."

In fact, there was so much outrage over the inaccuracies in the film that not only Bill Clinton, Madeleine Albright, FBI consultants and historians but even Harvey Keitel strongly criticised the film. In fact, because of this outcry, the DVD of the miniseries has still not been released, although the film first aired in 2006.This is what a bunch of Democratic Senators wrote at that time to the Walt Disney Company which owns ABC:

"Presenting such deeply flawed and factually inaccurate misinformation to the American public and to children would be a gross miscarriage of your corporate and civic responsibility to the law, to your shareholders, and to the nation."

Which of course makes it perfectly fitting that Rehman 'Raymond' Malik should cite it as one of his glowing achievements!

Very Impotent Person

Omar Khan in the zombie-horror flick Zibahkhana may have been on to something.
There must be something in the water in Islamabad...


From Dawn.com

Musharraf willing to return to the helm of power
Saturday, 25 Apr, 2009 | 12:14 PM PST |


LAHORE: Former president General (retired) Pervez Musharraf has said he will be willing to take the president’s office once again if the country’s political and economic affairs continue their downward spiral.

Interviewed by the Al-Jazeera television channel, he said that he would mull over the chance of returning to his previous position if he thought he could play a meaningful role for the country.

Musharraf told Al-Jazeera that he had resigned because if he had continued he would have become ‘kind of an impotent president.’ He said he did not like sitting around uselessly and therefore chose to depart.

However, Musharraf said that since relinquishing his position, he was increasingly becoming ‘despondent’ about the country’s state of affairs, especially the situation in Swat, where the Taliban had been allowed by the government to introduce sharia law.

Guinness Geniuses

Firstly, have a look at the latest from Absurdistan (this is from The News):

Saturday, April 25, 2009

ISLAMABAD: Minister for Parliamentary Affairs Dr. Babar Awan here on Friday declared that the name of Prime Minister Syed Yousuf Raza Gilani may soon qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records for regularly attending sessions of the National Assembly.

Ok, I'm not going to question whether doing your job qualifies you for the Guinness Book of World Records or even if the Guinness Book of World Records now has a category for the most regular attendee of Pakistan's parliament (if it does it could be placed right after the most rewarrhis eaten in a single session while suspended from a ceiling fan in inner city Multan)...

But what IS it with this government and its geniuses? Image it seems is all they are concerned with, but it's a validation they seek only from 'abroad', preferably from the most tackiest of fora. Substance it seems is never a question. I can almost see 'Dr' (another one of those Aamir Liaquat-type degrees) Babar Awan quoting the Reader's Digest next.

Picture of the Day

Barrack Obama gets some batting tips from West Indian legend Brian Lara, or as he was later billed, "the Michael Jordan of cricket", during the US President's visit to Trinidad to attend the Fifth Summit of the Americas...

Brilliantly funny, need one say more

Once in a while, something comes along to capture the mood of the times perfectly. Here is that thing for these times...

Imran Khan Makes A Mess Yet Again

OK, this was crying out to be deconstructed, and if anyone Khan, I must.

So, even as Mr. Imran "Find Your Roots and Eat Them" Khan sat in a shirt and trousers in the heat of Dubai watching Pakistan play Australia (funny how his roots assert themselves only in Pakistan), a long and muddled piece by him was on its way to be printed in The News. Grandly titled How To Clear The Mess, it purported to provide the prescription to Pakistan's myriad troubles with regards to terrorism and militancy, which astute readers may remember Immi bhai until recently saw as no problem at all. In any case, let's see what our warrior from Zaman Park has to say...

How to clear the mess
Thursday, April 23, 2009
By Imran Khan

The reason why there is so much despondency in Pakistan is because there is no road map to get out of the so-called War on Terror - a nomenclature that even the Obama Administration has discarded as being a negative misnomer.

First off, as far as I can see, the despondency has more to do with the unrelenting march of the Taliban and the government's and army's abject capitulation in Swat before them. But what do I know? I just live here, not in some fantasy-land of my own making.

To cure the patient the diagnosis has to be accurate, otherwise the wrong medicine can sometimes kill the patient.

Yeah, and to say nothing of attending to the right patient in the ward.

In order to find the cure, first six myths that have been spun around the US-led “Global War on Terror” (GWOT) have to be debunked.

OK, so Immi bhai's contribution to the debate is the coining of the term GWOT. Which is kind of like Otto's characterization of the chip as the British contribution to world cuisine in A Fish Called Wanda, but I digress...

Myth No. 1: This is Pakistan’s war

Since no Pakistani was involved in 9/11 and the CIA-trained Al Qaeda was based in Afghanistan, how does it concern us?

Yeah, how does it? I mean those 1395 people killed in 1842 attacks were not Pakistanis now were they? And Swat was always a provincially administered territory.

It is only when General Musharraf buckled under US pressure and sent our troops into Waziristan in late 2003-early 2004 that Pakistan became a war zone.

I kind of remember two or three suicide bombings in Karachi in 2002 and 2003. Plus I remember the sectarian radicalization of Pakistan in the 1980s and 1990s beginning with General Zia (at the same time that Immi bhai was being lured out of retirement by the military dictator) and numerous attacks on mosques as well as the targeted killing of hundreds of Shia doctors and intellectuals. Some of these same sectarian outfits and Kashmiri jihadists such as Lashkar-e-Jhangvi and Jaish-e-Mohammad are now known to have strong Al Qaeda links. I even remember the fears expressed by civil society of the creeping Talibanization of the country from the mid-1990s (Shariah Bill anyone? Malakand insurgency in 1994?), long before 9/11... Aaah, but what do I know? Don't let facts stand in the way of your argument Immi bhai, please proceed...

It took another three years of the Pakistan army following the same senseless tactics as used by the US and NATO forces in Afghanistan (aerial bombardment) plus the slaughter at Lal Masjid, for the creation of the Tehreek-i-Taliban Pakistan (TTP). If our security forces are being targeted today by the Taliban and their suicide bombers, it is because they are perceived to be proxies of the US army.

Yeah, dude, and so was the children's library in Islamabad that the Hafsa girls took over. As for the suicide bombing of imambargahs in Chakwal et al, everyone knows the Shia are proxies of the infidels.

Iran is ideologically opposed to both Al Qaeda and the Taliban yet why are its security forces not attacked by terrorists? The answer is because their President does not pretend to be a bulwark against Islamic extremism in return for US dollars and support.

Or, how about, that it locks up idiotic apologists like you and Qazi Hussain?

Michael Scheuer (ex-CIA officer and author of the book Imperial Hubris), writing in The Washington Post in April 2007, cited Musharraf’s loyalty to the US even when it went against Pakistan’s national interests by giving two examples: the first was Musharraf helping the US in removing a pro-Pakistan Afghan government and replacing it with a pro-Indian one; and, the second, for sending Pakistani troops into the tribal areas and turning the tribesmen against the Pakistan army. To fully understand Musharraf’s treachery against Pakistan, it is important to know that almost a 100,000 troops were sent into the tribal areas to target around 1000 suspected Al-Qaeda members - thus earning the enmity of at least 1.5 million armed local tribals in the 7 tribal agencies of Pakistan.

So, we come to the point. Taliban = pro-Pakistan = good. Of course, forget that the entire intelligentsia of the country had been crying hoarse about Pakistan establishement's misguided support to the brutal Taliban regime while the Americans were happily dealing with it and while "patriots" such as Hameed Gul and his ilk were propounding their stupid ideas of 'strategic depth.' Musharraf's treachery as the rest of the Pakistani establishment's treachery was actually that they waited to turn against the Taliban when the Americans told them to.

The most shameful aspect of the lie that this is our war is that the government keeps begging the US for more dollars stating that the war is costing the country more than the money it is receiving from the US. If it is our war, then fighting it should not be dependent on funds and material flowing from the US. If it is our war, why do we have no control over it? If it is our war, then why is the US government asking us to do more?

Ok, this I will concede: Our war should not be dependent on US dollars and the sooner we realize this the better for us. But the reason the US keeps asking us to do more (besides the byzantine political theatre they play) is because craven, cowardly Pakistani governments give in to the Taliban apologists of the army, media and politics (you being a good example) and the ruckus they raise.

Myth No. 2: This is a war against Islamic extremists - an
ideological war against radical Islam

Was the meteoric rise of Taliban due to their religious ideology? Clearly
not, because the Mujahideen were equally religious - Gulbadin Hekmatyar (supported by the ISI) was considered an Islamic fundamentalist. In fact, the reason the Taliban succeeded where the Mujahideen warlords failed, was because they established the rule of law - the Afghans had had enough of the power struggle between the warlord factions that had destroyed what remained of the country’s infrastructure and killed over 100,000 people.

True. But forgetting that it was the ISI that switched its support from Hekmatyar to the Taliban, many of whom were former mujahideen themselves.

If the Pushtuns of the tribal area wanted to adopt the Taliban religious ideology then surely they would have when the latter was in power in Afghanistan, between 1996 and 2001. Yet there was no Talibanisation in the tribal areas.

Considering that the Taliban brand of Islam was almost exactly what was practised in the tribal areas and many parts of the settled Pashtun areas, I'm not quite sure I follow. In Hangu (a settled area of the NWFP), I was told by a local in 1992 that the reason his particular area remained peaceful during sectarian mayhem, was because 'his people' didn't allow Shias and cinemas in their areas...

Interestingly, the only part of Pakistan where the Taliban had an impact was in Swat where Sufi Mohammad started the Shariat Movement. The reason was that while there was rule of law (based on the traditional jirga system) in the tribal areas, the people of Swat had been deprived of easy access to justice ever since the traditional legal system premised on Qazi courts was replaced by Pakistani laws and judicial system, first introduced in 1974.

Aaah, the plug for the jirga system. I wondered when it would bubble up.

The murder rate shot up from 10 per year in 1974 to almost 700 per year by 1977, when there was an uprising against the Pakistani justice system. The Taliban cashed in on this void of justice to rally the poorer sections of Swat society just as they had attracted the Afghans in a situation of political anarchy and lawlessness in Afghanistan.

Once again Immi bhai's dismissal of historical facts and dates takes my breath away. I suppose he considers such manipulation as innocuous as lifting the seam of a cricket ball. Sufi Mohammad's first insurgency in Malakand happened in 1994, when the Afghani force known as the Taliban had only just been formed. And it was actually as a result of the Frontier Crimes Regulations (in force in the Malakand area since 1979) being declared null and void by Pakistan's Supreme Court, creating the legal vacuum into which Sufi stepped with his lashkar, asking for the imposition of Shariah law. There is no doubt that the FCR (which contained elements such as collective punishment for individual crimes etc) were archaic and in some cases inhumane. But Pakistani law was not in force in Swat at that time and had the legal vacuum not been created by the Supreme Court's ruling, the results might have been different. Moreover, what is often harked back to as 'Shariah law' that existed in Swat before 1969, was in fact, the feudal law of the princely state of Swat as practised by the Wali of Swat. When the princely state was dissolved, Swat was brought under Pakistani law for a short time, until the inefficiencies of the state structure in providing swift and cheap justice (ala feudalism) led to a rebellion against the system. The same collapse has happened in other places in Pakistan where the feudal system has collapsed but that does not mean that the feudal structure should or can be re-introduced in a changed environment. But that is getting into understanding sociology and the dynamics of change which are probably beyond Immi bhai's limited capabilities.

It is important to make this distinction because the strategy to bring peace must depend on knowing your enemy.

I know who the enemy is. It's people who mangle facts and history to suit their point of view.

Michael Bearden, CIA station chief in Pakistan from 1986 to 1989, wrote in Foreign Affairs magazine that the US is facing the same Pushtun insurgency that was faced by the Soviets in Afghanistan. According to him, as long as NATO is in Afghanistan, the Taliban will get a constant supply of men from the 15 million Pushtun population of Afghanistan and the 25 million Pushtuns of Pakistan. In other words, this Talibanisation is not so much religion-driven as politically-motivated. So the solution to the problem in the tribal belt today does not lie in religion and “moderate” Islam but in a political settlement.

Interesting how Immi bhai keeps quoting those devil CIA-types to bolster his argument.

Myth No. 3: If we keep fighting the US war, the super power will bail us out financially through aid packages.

Recently, the Government’s Adviser on Finance stated that the war on terror has cost Pakistan $35 billion while the country has received only $11 billion assistance from the US. I would go a step further and say that this aid is the biggest curse for the country. Not only is it “blood money” for our army killing our own people (there is no precedent for this) but also nothing has destroyed the self-esteem of this country as this one factor.

Agree about the curse bit. But there is a precedent bhai. East Pakistan in 1971, the Baloch insurgency of the 1970s, the MRD movement of the 1980s, the MQM insurgency of the 1990s... oh forget it. You were still partying in Annabelle's at the time.

Moreover, there is no end in sight as our cowardly and compromised leadership is ordered to “do more” for the payments made for their services. Above all, this aid and loans are like treating cancer with disprin. It enables the government to delay the much needed surgery of reforms (cutting expenditures and raising revenues); and meanwhile the cancer is spreading and might become terminal.

Immi bhai the economist is almost cute. "Cutting expenditures and raising revenues"... now why hadn't anyone thought of that!

Myth No. 4: That the next terrorist attack on the US will come from the tribal areas.

First, there is an assumption, based purely on conjecture, that the Al Qaeda leadership is in the tribal areas.

What you really want to say is: there is an assumption, based purely on conjecture, that the Taliban in control of Pakistan would be a bad thing... Oh come out and say it.

In fact, this leadership could well be in the 70 % of Afghan territory that the Taliban control. More importantly, given the growing radicalisation of the educated Muslim youth - in major part because of the continuing US partiality towards Israeli occupation of Palestinian land - why can it not follow that the next terrorist attack on the US could come either from the Middle East or from the marginalised and radicalised Muslims of Europe, motivated by perceived injustices to Islam and the Muslim World.

It well could. You should ask your friends in the CIA why they don't write about this so you can quote them.

Myth No. 5: That the ISI is playing a double game and if Pakistan did more the war could be won.

If Talibanisation is growing in Pakistan because of the covert support of ISI in the tribal areas, then surely the growing Taliban control over Afghanistan (70 % of the territory) must be with NATO’s complicity?

Couldn't agree more. Or at least with the complicity of the Northern Alliance warlords. In fact, the Beeb just did a report about where the Taliban are getting their weapons from, which confirms this. But you didn't want me to agree, did you?

Surely a more rational understanding would be to see that the strategy being employed is creating hatred against the US and its collaborators. Aerial bombardment and its devastating collateral damage is the biggest gift the US has given to the Taliban. According to official reports, out of the 60 drone attacks conducted between 14 January 2006-April 8 2009, only 10 were on target, killing 14 alleged Al Qaeda. In the process almost 800 Pakistani civilians have been killed, while many lost their homes and limbs.

I wish you would tell us which official reports these are. The on-ground reports I have received in fact show that after the US stopped sharing intel about impending drone attacks with the Pakistan army, the efficacy of the attacks increased manifold. Since the Taliban / Al Qaeda immediately cordon off areas where the drones hit and remove any bodies related to them before anyone is allowed to go near them, I'm not quite sure where these figures have come from. But then again, you didn't really need proof to claim, like Qazi Hussain and Hameed Gul, that thousands of girls and children were killed in Lal Masjid, so I don't know why I should bother.

Despite its military surge effort, the US will eventually pack up and leave like the Soviets, but the “do more” mantra could end up destroying the Pakistan army - especially the ISI which is being targeted specifically for the mess created by the Bush Administration in Afghanistan.

Wow, Immi bhai, you as a champion of the ISI... I never would've guessed. That, by the way, is the exact thinking within the Pakistan army, which is why the Americans keep getting pissed off with them.

Myth No. 6: That Pakistan could be Talibanised with their version of Islam.

Both Musharraf and Zardari have contributed to this myth in order to get US backing and dollars. Firstly there is no such precedent in the 15-hundred years of Islamic history of a theocracy like that of the Taliban, outside of the recent Taliban period of rule in Afghanistan.

Sigh. Now even Islam predates Islam. Hey, dodo, we're still in Hijra 1430.

However, as mentioned earlier, the Taliban’s ascendancy in Afghanistan was not a result of their religious ideology but their ability to establish order and security in a war-devastated and anarchic Afghanistan.

We've covered this ground before. So, your point being? I feel it has something to do with accepting the ascendancy of the Taliban in Malakand because they have brought "peace." Right?

In Swat, the present mess has arisen because of poor governance issues. Also, it was the manner in which the government handled the situation - simply sending in the army rather than providing better governance - that created space for the Taliban. Just as in Balochistan (under Musharraf) when the army was sent in rather than the Baloch being given their economic and provincial rights, similarly the army in Swat aggravated the situation and the present mess was created.

Right. So we should all just shut up and hail the Taliban.

What Pakistan has to worry about is the chaos and anarchy that are going to stem from the radicalisation of our people because of the failure of successive governments to govern effectively and justly. Karen Armstrong, in her book The Battle for God, gives details of fundamentalist movements that turned militant when they were repressed. Ideas should be fought with counter ideas and dialogue, not guns.

I think you are about three decades too late with the argument about radicalisation of our people, a radicalisation one must add that was promoted by the people you count as your friends. But you could not get richer than saying "Ideas should be fought with counter ideas and dialogue, not guns." Hey, let me ask you a question, who of the numerous idiots around you writes your articles? Because, you see, Mullah Fazlullah, Baitullah Mehsud, Mangal Bagh, et al, I just don't recall them appearing on a televised debate or even putting forward their "ideas" in the press. As far as I recall, the gun (and the knife used to chop off people's heads) was their idea. I have another question, if you actually wrote this yourself: are you retarded?

Allama Iqbal was able to deal with fundamentalism through his knowledge and intellect. The slaughter of the fundamentalists of Lal Masjid did more to fan extremism and fanaticism than any other single event.

And I suppose, the stockpiling of heavy weapons in Lal Masjid was just in preparation of a debate about the vigilante raids on massage parlours and CD shops... Allama Iqbal could deal with fundamentalism because he rejected it outright. Of course, he had no Kalashnikov-toting, rocket-slinging Taliban to deal with who would have seen to raise his khudi from a lamppost had they been around. But I think he had the Lal Masjid terrorists in mind when he wrote:

Main jaanta hoon anjam uss ka
Jiss maarkay mein mullah hon ghazi

Pakistan is staring down an abyss today and needs to come up with a sovereign nationalist policy to deal with the situation. If we keep on following dictation from Washington, we are doomed. There are many groups operating in the country under the label of “Taliban”. Apart from the small core of religious extremists, the bulk of the fighting men are Pushtun nationalists.

You mean the ANP is part of the Taliban?! I knew it!

Then there are the fighters from the old Jihadi groups. Moreover, the Taliban are also successfully exploiting the class tensions by appealing to the have-nots.

Aah, so you read that New York Times piece too, I see...

But the most damaging for Pakistan are those groups who are being funded primarily from two external sources: first, by those who want to see Pakistan become a “failed state”; and, second, by those who wish to see the US bogged down in the Afghan quagmire.

How about those who don't see the danger of the Talibanisation of Pakistan?

What needs to be done: A two-pronged strategy is required - focusing on a revised relationship with the US and a cohesive national policy based on domestic compulsions and ground realities.

President Obama, unlike President Bush, is intelligent and has integrity. A select delegation of local experts on the tribal area and Afghanistan should make him understand that the current strategy is a disaster for both Pakistan and the US; that Pakistan can no longer commit suicide by carrying on this endless war against its own people; that we will hold dialogue and win over the Pushtuns of the tribal area and make them deal with the real terrorists while the Pakistan army is gradually pulled out.

I have news for you buddy. The Pakistan army has already pulled out and handed parts of the country to the terrorists. Or didn't you hear?

At the same time, Pakistan has to move itself to ending drone attacks if the US is not prepared to do so. Closure of the drone base within Pakistan is a necessary beginning as is the need to create space between ourselves and the US, which will alter the ground environment in favour of the Pakistani state. It will immediately get rid of the fanaticism that creates suicide bombers as no longer will they be seen to be on the path to martyrdom by bombing US collaborators.

Such as Shia imambargahs and funeral processions?

Within this environment a consensual national policy to combat extremism and militancy needs to be evolved centring on dialogue, negotiation and assertion of the writ of the state. Where force is required the state must rely on the paramilitary forces, not the army.

And, of course, negotiators such as the Commisioner Malakand Mohammad Javed, appointed at the insistence of Sufi Mohammad. But what about the paramilitary wanting to be trained by the US before it goes into a fight against the Taliban?

Concomitantly, Pakistan needs serious reforms. First and foremost we have to give our people access to justice at the grassroots level - that is, revive the village jury/Panchayat system. Only then will we rid ourselves of the oppressive “thana-kutchery” culture which compels the poor to seek adjudication by the feudals, tribal leaders, tumandars and now by the Taliban also - thereby perpetuating oppression of the dispossessed, especially women.

Yeah, the panchayat / jirga system is SO respectful of women, isn't it?

Second, unless we end the system of parallel education in the country where the rich access private schools and a different examination system while the poor at best only have access to a deprived public school system with its outmoded syllabus and no access to employment. That is why the marginalised future generations are condemned to go to madrassahs which provide them with food for survival and exploit their pent up social anger. We need to bring all our educational institutions into the mainstream with one form of education syllabus and examination system for all - with madrassahs also coming under the same system even while they retain their religious education specialisation.

Ok, finally, Immi bhai, some modicum of sense from you.

Third, the level of governance needs to be raised through making appointments on merit in contrast to the worst type of cronyism that is currently on show. Alongside this, a cutting of expenditures is required with the leadership and the elite leading by example through adoption of an austere lifestyle. Also, instead of seeking aid and loans to finance the luxurious lifestyle of the elite, the leadership should pay taxes, declare its assets and bring into the country all money kept in foreign banks abroad. All “benami” transactions, assets and bank accounts should be declared illegal. I believe we will suddenly discover that we are actually quite a self-sufficient country.

Once again, I agree. Let's start by you bringing your money to Pakistan.

Fourth, the state has to widen its direct taxation net and cut down on indirect taxation where the poor subsidise the rich. If corruption and ineptitude are removed, it will be possible for the state to collect income tax more effectively.

Ok, you're going econo-crazy again Immi bhai. "If corruption and ineptitude are removed"? Again, why didn't anyone think of that before?! You do realize, you'd have to step down from politics and stop writing thought pieces too, right?

A crucial requirement for moving towards stability would be the disarming of all militant groups - which will a real challenge for the leadership but here again, the political elite can lead by example and dismantle their show of guards and private forces.

Let's do this: ask all the political elite to dismantle their show of guards (I fully support this by the way) and then let's wait to see if the Taliban follow suit. They would follow good examples, right?

Finally, fundamentalism should be fought intellectually with sensitivity shown to the religious and heterogeneous roots of culture amongst the Pakistani masses. Solutions have to be evolved from within the nation through tolerance and understanding. Here, we must learn from the Shah of Iran’s attempts to enforce a pseudo-Western identity onto his people and its extreme backlash from Iranian society.

Ok. Let's sensitively send you wearing the clothes you were wearing in Dubai to talk to the Taliban in Swat and Buner. Up until now I thought the phrase "heterogeneous roots of culture" referred to precisely those things that the Taliban were against. But what do I know. I've never been to the Dubai cricket stadium.

The threat of extremism is directly related to the performance of the state and its ability to deliver justice and welfare to its people.

One small mathematical aside here: "direct relation" would imply that the better the state does to deliver justice and welfare, the more the threat of extremism would grow. I think you may have wanted to say "inversely related" but then, you're the pro-Taliban fundo. You should know.