Just Not Cricket

So, yeah I've been watching the T20 Cricket World Cup in spite of myself and my perennial dismay at the depths the Pakistan team can sink to. Actually, I have been often caught between a desire to slash my wrists and the beginnings of an uncontrollable belly laugh. What can you say about a team whose getting through to the second round was contingent on Australia beating Bangladesh (!) - which, for a while last night almost looked like it incredibly might not happen. And which, when it did get through today, managed to do everything within its collective power to self-destruct by dropping not one, not two, not three, not even four but FIVE catches!

Meanwhile, its skipper, the redoubtable Mr. Boom Boom's explanation for the dismal showing bordered on the farcical. He said (and I quote from the Geo crawler): "I don't know why the fielding has been so poor." (This from the same responsible captain who assuaged everyone's fears that he would get out early by hitting one of his reckless shots by running himself out on the first ball he faced.) You moron! Have you considered the fact that it's because the team is full of other morons as well?

But am not here tonight to harp on the cricket, or what passes for the sport in this format of the game. (Really, what's the point?) Rather, I want to talk about what I have been fascinated by these last few days, i.e. the 'television' that surrounds the matches. (If you, like most people - though unlike Geo bigwigs - watch on Geo Super, you might refer to it as the Kurleez chips ads that are punctuated every once in while by the cricket.) I have a few general questions and observations regarding the programming and ads:


1. It is my considered opinion that everyone associated with Geo Super should be lined up and shot. Geo Super now runs ads not just between overs and after the fall of wickets and as overlays on the action, but also cuts away in between the successive deliveries of an over! (Can this be called grabbing viewers by the 'short and Kurleez'?) Where is the Supreme Court and its suo moto action when you need it? Does PEMRA have no mandate to safeguard the fundamental right of viewers not to have apoplectic fits of rage? Has greed driven everyone stark raving mad at the Jang Group? And if the marketing department at Geo thinks it's such hot shit, let's see the same thing on the rest of Geo's programming. I can just see it now: Kamran Khan asks a question of Babar Awan but before his guest answers, we cut away to a Bollocks Biscuits ad, only coming back once the reply is half-way through. Cooking oil ads between every news headline. A "Do the Dew" break every time Ansar Abbasi says "Dekhain" or Dr S&M opens his mouth. Ok, that last bit might actually improve the programming but you get idea. Let's see how that works for you Geo. I can guarantee the marketing department it will earn them lots of moolah. At least for a day.


2. Is there anything more moronic, unhinged and cruel than the current Mobilink Jazz series of ads in which a slew of celebrities from Shahid Afridi to Wasim Akram and Ali Zafar tell you at the end that you, the miserable viewer, should not watch the ad at the moment but the match? Yes. We. Would. If. Only. You. And. Geo Super. Would. Effing. Let. Us!


3. Has anyone else noticed the difference in the adverts on Geo Super and Star Cricket (the other channel beaming the Cup live that I am able to receive)? Geo Super beaming to Pakistan is all about the chips (Kurleez) , the biscuits (Bakeri Bistiks, Gluco, Chocolatto or something similarly crappy), the ice creams frozen desserts (Wall's Badami), the sodas (Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Coke, Sprite) and the mobile phone services (Zong, Jazz), along with some beard colouring (Just for Men), anti-dandruff shampoos (Clear, Head and Shoulders), shaving equipment (Gillette razors) and the odd HBL Easy Finance (probably to fund the snacks and the mobile bills). On the other hand, Star Cricket - beaming obviously mainly to the Indian market - is mostly all about sex and technology. Lustful women in skimpy clothing going bonkers over men's deodorants (Zatak) and men's hair gel (Set Wet), motorbikes that dump their riders to pick up hitchhikers in hot-pants (Bajaj?) and ferry horny men to their girlfriends at night (who cares?), internet and video on demand (Reliance Mobile) and 12-megapixel digital cameras in mobile phones. What are we to make of this? Is this the basic difference between Pakistan and India? We are hirsute, itchy, eat junk and talk non-stop; they strip, take high-resolution photos of themselves naked and put them on the net over a high-speed connection?


4. I know this is kind of a tangent but I have to ask: What on earth is that Mirage Insecticide ad all about? If you haven't seen it (though it's on whenever I switch on television), here is a summary: Woman sprays insecticide, man seems to orgasm breathing in the fumes, man tries to gather all the insecticide spray cans and mosquito coils in his arms, woman beams him on the head with a frying pan knocking him out, woman says proudly "Ab chalay ga mera raj!" while holding up a spray can. ... My questions are a) Is the man her husband or a thief? b) If he is a thief, is insecticide spray so expensive now that he would try and steal it and she would seek to protect it by using violence? c) If he is her husband, what is going on in their married life that she needs to wallop him one with a frying pan? d) Was the whole thing concocted so that the stupid pun (Mirage / Mera Raj) could be used? And if so, what were the creative geniuses at the advertising agency smoking?





5. Geo Super's studio set for the T20 World Cup consists of a backdrop designed like a funky comic-strip about cricket, in front of which sits the decidedly unfunky Yahya Al-Husseini (Geo's whiny sports correspondent) with his two cricketing experts, former skipper and wicket-keeper Moin Khan and former human Shoaib Akhtar. That would be all fine and well but for the fact that because of the strategic placement of the chairs, Yahya Al-Husseini seems to permanently have a dialogue balloon coming out of his head that reads "Oh my God, please help me!". Meanwhile, whenever they cut to a single shot of the Rawalpindi Genital Warts Express, he has a box next to his head that reads "Clap!". My question is, could this be deliberate? Could someone at Geo really have a sense of humour? Would we need to reassess our opinion of Geo if that is the case?


6. And finally, see the following video / extended commercial for Pepsi that serves as the pep rally for the Pakistan cricket team at the T20 World Cup (fat lot of good it's doing them!):




Ok so it's all very pseudo-uplifting, despite the irritating mispronunciation of 'azm' as 'azzam' and its OTT macho sentiment where women exist merely to support and admire their men and any other random boys who happen to pass by. But here are my queries and observations about it:

a.) At 0:23: Since the shirt was packed away in a bag, why is it all dusty? Did a can of talcum powder explode inside? And carrying forward the metaphor for our cricketing glory (which this dusty shirt obviously is), wouldn't it have been better to have utilized the time since 1992 (by the way, we did win the T20 World Cup in 2009, in case anyone cares to remember) to actually train and practice, rather than expect glory to suddenly come springing out of a bag? We certainly could have used some catching practice for one.

b) At 0:30: When the girl shakes her head at the silly dreamworld of her brother / boyfriend / husband, does she not perfectly reflect the entire disgruntled country? No wonder she seemed happier in the condom ad.

c) At 0:56, 1:46 and 2:50: Where is Mehreen Raheel planning to hold up these signs that she's making? She's certainly not in the West Indies for sure and she never actually goes to any stadium. And if she plans on holding them up while watching television in her tv lounge, how sorry is her life? Also, is it just me or did anyone else keep wondering why she was making a placard that read "CHAR JAO" - I know now that it's just a badly drawn 'A' at the end, but can you imagine explaining that to a bunch of rowdy laundas if she ever actually managed to take the sign out in a public stadium?

d) At 2:32: Was the only reason to include a tennis player in this video because Pepsi has also signed up Aisam ul Haq? Because, you know, there's a bunch of other dedicated sportsfolk in Pakistan too. And isn't the shot of him sitting in isolation at 2:41 an apt reflection of how little appreciation they get unless they jump on the cricket bandwagon?

e) At 3:12: Curiously, all the shirts being beaten during the wash at the dhobi ghat (See? All classes are passionate about the game, the affluent get to wear the shirts, the poor wash them) are blue. Is this a subliminal message about the blue-shirted team?

'Come and see us at the dhobi ghat'

If anyone has any answers, would be happy to hear them. Personally, as far as the World Cup is concerned, the Super Eights stage may not be a sudden death round, but I think that just means our team's demise will be long and excruciatingly drawn out.

The Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest - II

Hello and welcome to the latest round-up of the Bizarre Newspaper Headline Contest. This edition includes some recent achievements but also takes into consideration some nominations we missed from the past month...

In any case, here are today's awards...



1. Worst Pun in Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune, reporting on April 25 about a visiting cyclist from Holland who had his treasured racing bicycle stolen, and recovered, in Hyderabad:

"Nether mess with someone from the Dutch lands" 

(Twice in a row. ET seems to be on a roll with this category.)



2. Inappropriately Wistful Headline Award

Winner: Express Tribune,  reporting on April 13 about the possible cause for the fall in the number of major suicide and fidayeen attacks:

"Where have all the suicide bombers gone?

Honorable Mention: Express Tribune, reporting April 28 on the arrest of Mumtaz Hussain alias Munna, allegedly one of Karachi's most notorious hitmen (not available on the web but on main Karachi page of the print edition):

"One of the city's best target killers arrested"

But lest anyone go away with the impression that it's only the good folk over at Express Tribune who don't always read their own paper...I've saved the best for the last. But first, let me set the stage here.

About three weeks ago, a friend from Islamabad had alerted me to this hilarious knee-slapper in The News. Unfortunately, although people in Lahore informed me that they too had the privilege of feasting their eyes on it in their city, I could not find it in the Karachi edition of the paper - which has plenty of goof-ups of its own, just not this particular one.

Of course, as pointed out once earlier, it seems the epaper on the web is basically the Karachi edition , so this blooper is not accessible on the net either. Basically, I had to wait for one of our lazy friends in Islamabad or Lahore to get round to either scanning the paper or sending me the original. I am happy to report that daer aaye, durust aaye, the original Lahore edition from April 6 has finally made it into my hands. And thus I can regale you with...


3. Reporter's Moaning as Headline Award

Winner: The News, hands down, for Part 5 of a seemingly exhaustive multi-part Special Report by reporter Amir Mateen, analysing the internal political culture of the three main political parties:

"Don't have the energy to see it again"

And here's the scan to enjoy in all its glory:

And that's all from the BNH Contest for now. See you next time.

Really Lost in Translation

As newspaper blunders go, this one is a real doozy!

But when I read Javed Chaudhry's translated Urdu column in the Express Tribune this morning, not having read the original in (the Urdu daily) Express on the 27th, I simply could make neither head nor tail of it. It seemed to me to be a column written about two years ago and for the life of me I could not make out why it had been published today. And why did I think that? Because the headline of the oped was:

"A conversation with Abdul Hameed Dogar"

And of course because the rest of the column referred in glowing terms to "Chief Justice Abdul Hameed Dogar's" long working hours, the amount of cases being expeditiously handled by him while sitting in the Supreme Court, Dogar's open admiration for Justice Rana Bhagwandas - the Supreme Court's senior-most judge who refused to accept General Musharraf's diktat against the judiciary which Dogar had gladly accepted ("It is we who are Muslims but it is Rana sahib who has stronger belief [in democracy]") , his praise for the independent media (the same media, it may be recalled, that had hounded Dogar for his daughter's nepotistic admission to a college over the heads of more qualified candidates), his belief that the PPP government should continue rather than be dismissed by him as 'many are predicting' (much to Chaudhry's 'astonishment' and my confusion since I never knew that Dogar was ever considered anything less than beholden to Asif Zardari for his support), etc etc etc... I thought I was in some episode of The Twilight Zone.

Lost in translation: Javed Chaudhry

Well, as it turns out, it was not me but the Express Tribune staff that's in some sort of twilight. Or at least tubelight. As you can verify from the original Urdu piece posted here, Javed Chaudhry's piece was actually about Chief Justice Iftikhar Mohammad Chaudhry! And his name is mentioned no less than three times in just the first para. In spite of the fact that his chief protocol officer is referred to as "Hameed sahib", for the life of me I cannot understand how the current chief justice's name was substituted for that of the disgraced former judge who, under the Supreme Court's own ruling, is no longer to be considered as ever having been the lawful chief justice.

 Note to ET: NOT Abdul Hameed Dogar

ET staffers are apparently putting the entire blame on the translator but it must be said that the level of oversight involved here is just mind-boggling. Surely a bunch of other sub-editors and editors would have - or should have - seen the piece before and once it was 'pasted' on to the page. Are we to assume that nobody saw anything bizarre in the article? Or that nobody at ET can read Urdu?

Unfortunately, ET has changed the story as it appears on their website now, to reflect a corrected version. And they still do not have an epaper version for you to see this hilarious blunder in all its gloriousness. But I will update the post tomorrow with a scan of the print edition to keep all of you entertained.

But what of the story itself? Considering that it was an exclusive given to Javed Chaudhry by Justice Chaudhry - a mere day or two before the damning judgements reversing the government's controversial multi-billion dollar LNG deal and the elevation of over 50 bureaucrats to secretary-level grade - probably to assuage the government's paranoia about the judiciary out to get it (the title of the Urdu column was "There is no threat to the system"), you can imagine how frustrated both Chaudhries must be. After all, Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry had gone out of his way to praise Benazir Bhutto as well, only to see it all being credited (at least in English) to his former nemesis Dogar.

Or is this what is known as poetic justice for PR exercises?

Expect a big-ass apology from ET in tomorrow morning's paper.


*** UPDATE on 30 April 2010 ***

As promised, here is the scan of the article as printed yesterday:

Meanwhile, the apology has come in the form of a "deeply regretted" correction notice on the op-ed pages that blames the translation as expected. "The mistake crept in because the name of the chief protocol officer happens to be Mr. Hameed" says the notice. Inconsiderate man that chief protocol officer.

Silencing the Airwaves

Those of you wondering whatever happened to the hourly BBC news bulletins on local FM channels and the local relay of the evening 8 o' clock Sairbeen since March 27, might be interested to read the report on BBC Urdu's website today.

Basically, it says that BBC Urdu has been effectively banned from 24 out of the 34 local FM channels after Information Minister Qamaruzzaman Kaira refused to issue written permissions for them to relay BBC's news content. The 10 FM channels still able to relay the content (I'm not sure which ones these are, certainly none in Karachi) are the ones that had received written permission last year after the PPP government came into power.

According to the report:

"These [earlier] permissions had been granted in line with the PPP government's policy of guaranteeing the complete freedom of the media. In addition, the BBC had been assured that all new partner FM channels would also be given written permissions, but that given the government's policy, this was merely a formality and that all partner FM channels were free to air BBC news content until the completion of the paperwork. Based on this government policy, BBC's Urdu Service began to supply a further 24 partner channels with five-minute news bulletins, which were widely praised by FM listeners.

On the instructions of the Pakistan Media Regulatory Authority (PEMRA), all BBC partner channels had submitted the necessary paperwork at PEMRA offices last October. But whenever BBC representatives asked about the progress on these cases, they were told 'Your news is being aired, what difference does written permission make?'

Last month, on March 27, however, BBC's partner channels were suddenly instructed to stop airing BBC news immediately. When PEMRA was asked about the matter, BBC was told that from now on no channel could run BBC news without written permission. However, it was also added that as soon as the information minister found time, a decision would be taken on the issue.

For many days, the excuse that the information minister was busy was used to postpone any action on the matter. Finally, last Friday the BBC representative was called to Islamabad and informed on Tuesday afternoon that no further FM channels would be given permission to air BBC news. No reasons were given."

Very credible sources indicate that the sudden pulling of the plug on the BBC bulletins actually occurred at the behest of the military. Apparently, the BBC Urdu Service had relayed a controversial news report culled from Indian media that had claimed that Pakistan's intelligence agencies were involved directly with David Headley - the American of Pakistani origin accused of scouting locations in Bombay for the Lashkar-e-Taiba and currently in American custody.What apparently incensed the Pakistani military was that the BBC - in disregard of its own rules of journalistic fairness - failed to ask it for its point of view on the report.

The military establishment may be correct in pointing out the lapse on the part of the BBC. But is petulant vengefulness really the way to achieve sympathetic coverage? Do Pakistanis not have a right to choose their sources of information? In an age of easy access to all sorts of media on the net, one also wonders which world Pakistan's media managers are living in.

And the pressure exerted by the 'deep state' still does not explain the foot-dragging since October over the granting of permissions by the civilian government. Unfortunately the bureaucratic red-tape used to delay straight-forward matters and keep matters in limbo (usually to preserve power) has become an abiding characteristic of Pakistani governments. Their motives may vary from the corrupt to a lack of focus to misplaced sense of control to simple unwillingness to take decisions. But in the end they often find out that their hesitation and inefficiency becomes a noose around their own necks. After all, they too will need a free media at some point.

Lessons from a Sacking

The unique position of the media - as a watchdog of public interest, it has the power to question public representatives and to demolish their carefully constructed facades - has always been open to abuse. Simply put, it is often up to the ingrained ethics of individual journalists or the monitoring power of the media organizations that employ them, to prevent this extraordinary power from being misused and from journalists using their access for personal profit. We have often written about such abuse of power among reporters / analysts on the political beat. Of course, it is not just political reporters who can sometimes be guilty of inappropriate behaviour.

A recent incident involving a Voice of America (VoA) reporter and the Pakistan Hockey Federation (PHF) is a good reminder of how important it is for the media to monitor itself and to double-check facts.

Before relating the incident, however, a couple of caveats and disclaimers:

1. We are not commenting on the merits of the allegations from either side, simply because these are contested and we are not in a position to judge their authenticity.

2. This incident has no bearing on (at least) my position regarding the PHF or the person of PHF Secretary Asif Bajwa, currently under attack from scores of former Olympians after Pakistan's abysmal showing in the World Cup in Delhi. As far as I am concerned, Bajwa should have resigned after the World Cup debacle, probably simply on moral grounds.

Sardar Khan (left) addressing a press conference against the PHF

In any case, the whole issue began when VoA contributor Sardar Khan filed an audio report on VoA Urdu (no longer available on the website), claiming that PHF Secretary Asif Bajwa had admitted that Pakistan lost to lowly-ranked Poland in a qualifier on purpose so as to have an easier opponent in the final of the qualifier tournament in Lille, France. In the words of the English report circulated by Sardar Khan himself on April 14:

"As if Pakistan’s worst ever 12th position in the recently concluded hockey world cup in New Delhi was not enough that led the former Olympians to call for Asif Bajwa’s head, the sacked manager of Pakistan team and reigning secretary of Pakistan hockey federation (PHF) Asif Bajwa, in an exclusive interview to Voice of America (VOA) has made the shocking disclosure that Pakistan lost its league match to Poland purposely in world cup qualifying tournament (WQC) held in Lille as part of strategy to avoid hosts France in the final.

It may be remembered that PHF President Qasim Zia had sacked the team management comprising of manager Asif Bajwa and chief coach Shahid Ali Khan as well as the whole selection committee after Pakistan’s humiliating display in 2010 world cup.

When asked that how come star studded Pakistan team lost its league match to minnows like Poland on 7th, Nov 2009 in WCQ tournament in France, Bajwa made this shocking revelation that “ I don’t want to justify that defeat but I want to tell you that it was part of the strategy. Had Pakistan beaten Poland, Pakistan could face host France in the final that Pakistan wanted to avoid as in that case, France could win and would have qualified for the final rounds of the world cup”.

“It was part of our planning, we fielded our second string in the match in order to ensure that we faced Japan in the WCQ tournament final instead of France, Bajwa said”.

When asked that deliberately losing a match is not only against the spirit of fair play but it also comes under the parameters of Match fixing, Bajwa said, “ I don’t call it match fixing but a strategy and planning. We rested our key players in order to be better equipped in the final against Japan”.

When VOA pressed that even despite resting senior players Pakistan was not a team to be beaten by Poland, Bajwa replied, “ I am not justifying the defeat and I admit that Pakistan should not have lost but what I am saying is that our planning worked well and we qualified for 2010 world cup”.

It is worth pointing out that after finishing 12th in 2010 world cup, allegations were echoed by many including former Olympian and coach Shahnaz Shaikh suggesting that he smelled rat of match fixing or under performance that led to disasters humiliation. Now this bombshell from sitting PHF secretary Asif Bajwa suggests that a high level investigation should be carried out to find out the hidden reasons of debacle.

Muhammad Shafiq, one of the sacked selector in the aftermath of world cup, told VOA that it was not a team that could finish at 12th position so an inquiry be set up and responsible should be brought to book."

Now, obviously such a report is a bombshell and was immediately picked up by wire agencies and reproduced in most newspapers in Pakistan. Dawn, however, decided against running the report and, in fact, ran Bajwa's version the next day. Bajwa strenuously contested the report, claiming that his words were twisted and taken out of context:

“I never said we lost the match intentionally,” said Bajwa angrily. “I only mentioned that our loss against Poland may have been a blessing in disguise as it saved us from facing France in the final. But my words have been twisted by the VOA correspondent who has been distorting my other statements in the past as well.”

Bajwa went on to add: “I mean just think about it. Why would someone even bring up or make an issue about a match we lost some six months ago? It was this very correspondent who had misreported that I had compared our former players to ‘old model cars’ whereas I had merely mentioned that old playing methods to today’s techniques are akin to old cars and the newer ones. But my words were twisted to make it seem like I had aimed them at our seniors whom I respect very much.”

When asked what motive did this scribe have in maligning him in the press, Bajwa said: “This scribe was not recommended for the FIH media committee and the Asian Hockey media committee in 2008 despite his wishes. Since then he has found all kinds of ways to misquote and embarrass me in the media. Of late, he has come out as an active member of the campaign launched against me by the Olympians. But he needs to realise that whatever he blames me for was not my doing. It was former PHF President Zafarullah Jamali’s doing and he did it even before I arrived on the scene.”

  PHF Secretary Asif Bajwa: trading fire (Photo: Dawn / APP)

While we cannot confirm Bajwa's allegations of Sardar Khan's motives - which may in fact be defamatory as well - some other journalists seem to confirm his allegations of partiality on the part of the VoA reporter. According to one journalist covering the Olympians' front against Bajwa (as told directly to Cafe Pyala):

"I noticed that the VoA reporter Sardar Khan was doing more than just report. He was arranging venues for holding the meetings like inviting them over to the Karachi Press Club, etc. He would also sit with the former players on the stage during the rallies."

Nevertheless, Khan in a letter to Dawn, demanded a retraction of the story under threat of legal action. The resulting flap was so great that VoA heads were forced to step in. On April 23, the head of VoA's Urdu Section wrote the following letter to the PHF Secretary, which was eventually made public by the PHF:

"Dear Mr. Bajwa,

I wish to express our profound regret for airing the Sardar Khan report.

As soon as I read your objections to the report in the Pakistani media saying the reporter twisted your words, my most senior managers and I demanded the full unedited interview and compared it to the dispatch Sardar Khan submitted to us.

We concluded that Sardar Khan tampered with your comments to twist the meaning.  This is completely unethical and irresponsible and in violation of VOA News' own code of conduct.

We owe you more than an apology and are taking the following steps to address any blemish Sardar Khan's report may have had on the Pakistan Hockey Federation.

1) On Tuesday, April 21^st , I informed Sardar Khan (who is not an employee of VOA, but a freelance reporter who had contributed reports to our programs) that we had lost confidence in his work and he damaged his own and VOA's credibility. We immediately severed our relationship.  He is banned from submitting work to VOA News.

2) We are issuing a formal apology and retraction of the report which is being posted on our Website and will be aired on VOA's radio shows.

3) We are writing a formal letter of apology to you personally and to the Pakistan Hockey Federation.

In meantime, please accept this email.

I completely understand your decision as Secretary-General of the PakistanHockey Federation, but hope our actions may restore your opinion of VOA Urdu. We value the time and access the Pakistan Hockey Federation gives reporters.

Yours truly,

Jennifer Janin

Chief, VOA Urdu Broadcasting to Pakistan"

Sardar Khan claims he was treated unfairly and is consulting his lawyers for further action. However, it must be said that the VoA chief's letter is pretty damning. It is not a small matter for a news organization to issue a blanket apology and no news organization likes to do that. There must have been serious problems with the way the quotes were used for VoA to issue such a mea culpa.


The lessons all media organizations and journalists must take away from this little episode are:

1. Particularly in cases of such sensitive allegations, ensure that the facts are correct.
2. While quoting other media, ensure that you have done your own check of facts - the original source could be wrong.
3. Call out journalists who may be overstepping the ethics line, even if they are colleagues, and support the weeding out of bad eggs. (Of course, back up journalists in the face of defamation and unfair pressure as well!)
4. Set in place some sort of feedback and monitoring system that ensures that journalists do not feel that no one is monitoring their "angling" of a story or their actions.
5. Do not subscribe to the notion of "by any means necessary" - using wrong tactics to go after someone who you think deserves to be gone after, is equally problematic and unethical and does journalism no service.
6. And for God's sake, know that activism is not the essential component of a reporter's job. Half the problems that arise between even well-meaning journalists and others are because of a misplaced sense of what exactly a journalist's job entails. It is not a reporter's job to be holding press conferences for or against people / organizations he is supposed to cover. Remind yourself daily of the need to at least be perceived as impartial.

Shoania Moania - III

How's this for the most unconsciously hilarious and ironic assertion in a news report?

In a report today in The News about Shoaib Malik and Sania Mirza now looking to cash in on their media coverage ala Hollywood celebrities, reporter Adnan Rashid writes:

"It appears the marriage is more like a business contract, as both have barred the media from coverage of their wedding functions. Some believe all this is being done to capture the attention of the advertisement agencies of India and Pakistan, and to exploit the situation for minting money."

How very uncharitable of them! Completely unlike the media, of course, who have been giving them all this coverage without caring a whit for viewership ratings or advertising revenue from special programmes focused entirely on them... I mean, how cold and callous and businesslike can you get? After all, it was only the public's right to know that led to breaking news about them being issued boarding cards, their bag being lost (and found) or the following piece of investigative journalism in the face of mortal danger as detailed in the same report:

"Security officials snatched the camera of a Geo Television cameraperson when he was trying to shoot the gym where Sania and Shoaib were present."

After all, we need to know how much sweat is produced by the two. Or whether the country's bahu exercises in shorts or a tracksuit.

But you know,  this report does make me wonder about what's about to come next. Either Jang Group head honcho Mir Shakilur Rahman will take out his cheque book and pony up the three to five crores reportedly being demanded by the newly wedded for exclusive coverage of their valima etc, in which case we are in for more nauseating spot coverage that milks 'Shoania' for all it's (not) worth. Alternatively, Mirza and Malik better duck for cover, because as Asif Zardari can well tell them, there's nothing like the wrath of a Geo spurned. An inkling of this is contained in the report itself:

"As Sania had lost her international ranking and Shoaib banned and fined Rs2 million by the Pakistan Cricket Board, they are looking for opportunities to make money one way or the other, some critics commented."

And what a fall that would be: from media darlings to media villains, all before the honeymoon even commences.

Photo of the Day

Here's the sajjada nasheen (custodian) of the Shah Rukn-e-Alam sufi shrine in Multan - whose yearly urs or commemmoration of the death anniversary of the saint concluded yesterday - bestowing his good vibes to one of his followers...

You may, of course, recall the pir sharing good vibes in a slightly different manner and setting earlier...

What's that saying, 'In Rome, Do As...'?

The Real News

What do YOU think was the No. 1 story in Pakistan yesterday? The power crisis - which is already leading to 12-16 hour blackouts in most of the country? The government's announcements to shut down markets by 8pm and government offices for two days in a week to conserve electricity? The implications of the 18th Amendment that involves a radical transfer of power to the provinces and away from the presidency? The controversy over the largely inconclusive UN Commission report on Benazir's assassination? The continuing war against militancy in FATA and its attendant collateral damage? The impending breakdown in talks between Pakistan and the IMF over VAT implementation? The brewing and building tussle between the executive and the judiciary, which is still leading to all sorts of rumour-mongering over the fate of President Zardari?

Or if you're more inclined to take a wider view of current events, perhaps you might think global stories such as the travel chaos caused by the explosion of  the volcano on that unpronounceable Icelandic glacier might merit the No. 1 slot. Perhaps the niqab ban in France which has riled Muslim opinion once again? The grenade attacks in Bangkok during anti-government protests that killed three and wounded scores? The never-ending intransigence of Apartheid state leader Benjamin Netanyahu in pushing ahead with settlements on Palestinian land?

Well, if you thought any of these things, you would be miserably wrong. Everyone KNOWS that the No. 1 story at the moment is the arrival in Pakistan of cricketer Shoaib Malik with his newly wedded wife and tennis player Sania Mirza. Forget that. Not only was this story the No. 1 headline on Geo's 9 o' clock bulletin, it was the ONLY story on the bulletin for the first 30 (!!!) minutes at least. I am not making this up, check it out for yourself:







So we have now seen them arrive in Karachi, seen them on the flight to Islamabad, repeatedly seen Sania's henna-ed feet, heard Shoaib being interviewed on the flight, been informed about what and how much they ate of PIA's menu, heard about the shenanigans of the over-eager passengers on the flight and the captain's admonitions to them, seen the couple disembarking from the flight, learnt about the VVIP protocol given to them en route to their hotel, had a preview of their room in Serena Hotel as well as the hall where the valima will take place, caught glimpses of the brightly lit Malik residence in Sialkot at a time of dire calls for energy conservation, and learnt of Sania possibly having fever as well as the disappointment of hundreds of people with nothing better to do than hang around at the airport to take a gander at the couple. There is only one logical conclusion to this, as you may well surmise.

Next: Live coverage of Shoaib and Sania getting it on.

Schadenfreude

I know one should not gloat over the misfortunes of others but in two developing stories the irony is so incredibly intense that one cannot but help feeling some level of poetic justice has been served. Kind of.

The first story, of course, relates to Slimebag Lalit Modi, the Chairman and Commissioner of the cricketing Indian Premier League (IPL) who, at least until now, seemed to have a smug expression pasted permanently to his face and went round boasting nothing could touch him. And well he might have, given that his personal fortunes have risen as exponentially as the fortunes of the IPL. In three years of the IPL, Modi last year became one of the highest tax payers - if not the highest - in India. According to a report in The News yesterday:

"Modi’s fortunes are intrinsically linked with the IPL. In 2007, he made an an advance tax payment of Rs 19 lakh. In 2008, when the first edition of the IPL was launched, the advance tax shot up to Rs 2.5 crore. In 2009, when the IPL was shifted to South Africa, Modi paid Rs 32 lakh as advance tax and in 2010, the advance tax component has gone up to Rs 11 crore."

Of course, Modi's good fortunes are not what one begrudges him - and he has obviously worked hard to pull off the IPL as a world-class entertainment tournament no matter what one thinks of its cricketing worth. I don't even care that much about his previous criminal convictions for cocaine abuse, assault with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. No, it's just his persona that really rubs me (and dare I say, a lot of other people) up the wrong way. And by that I mean his mealy-mouthed platitudes and his obvious nouveau bravado. And what a fall from grace! From uncrowned king of India, he is now accused of corruption, allegedly having retained "silent stakes" in three of the IPL teams, allegedly being involved in match-fixing and betting as well as having made questionable business deals involving his relatives. He is likely to be removed as IPL Commissioner in the coming week because everyone seems to have turned against him.

Lalit Modi: smug no more (source: Getty Images)

As Indian columnist Aakar Patel writes in the Express Tribune, (referencing Modi's Twitter expose of Junior Foreign Minister Shashi Tharoor's alleged under-the-table stakes, which began the whole saga):

"The board dislikes Modi because he is flamboyant. He set up his office in the Four Seasons, Bombay’s most expensive hotel. He is driven around in a BMW, and is often seen signing autographs. He has made the official channel (Sony) cower, and they make reference to him in every match. Such hubris rarely escapes punishment, and it looks like it will come to Modi. This is a shame because, despite his stupidity and nepotism, he remains an organiser of world class ability. No Indian has been able to put together a tournament of this quality, much less in such a short time. He could have continued his success for years, but Modi needlessly exposed himself in his war with Tharoor. Why did he want Tharoor out? Because he wanted no politicians to share in the IPL’s cash."

But more than Modi's personal woes, what is perhaps more satisfying is to see  the IPL venture itself come under some long-needed scrutiny. The Indian politicians who have dubbed it a "Corruption Premier League" may have their own axes to grind. But had such a venture taken place in Sharjah, Dubai or anywhere in Pakistan, you can be sure that the cries of it being a hub of illegal betting syndicates and match-fixing touts would have gained ground long ago. After all, the T20 format itself seems tailor-made for such involvement. Pakistan's cricketers should be thanking their lucky stars they were forced out of the IPL this time round.


The second story that has had me smacking my head at its unbelievable irony has to do with the abduction in Waziristan by militants and holding for ransom of the infamous Brigadier (retd) Amir Sultan Tarrar aka 'Colonel Imam' and Squadron Leader (retd) Khalid Khwaja. Both of these gentlemen, it may be recalled, are (officially former) ISI officers, who have long been unequivocal in their support of the Taliban.

'Colonel Imam': shepherding the righteous Taliban (source: Dawn)

'Colonel Imam' is considered one of the chief military advisers to the Afghan Taliban during Pakistan's days of direct support to the militia. He recently surfaced once again on the electronic media, espousing his support for the "God-fearing" Taliban. Khwaja's actual brief is far murkier - some journalists claim he is a loon - though he recently came to the limelight with his championing in courts of the alleged jihadists 'disappeared' ostensibly by the state's intel agencies post 9/11. He has also been in the forefront of fighting the Aafia Siddiqui case in Pakistan's courts.

Khalid Khwaja: human rights activist or loony double agent?

According to reports, the two were accompanying a British-Pakistani filmmaker Asad Qureshi out to make a documentary on the Taliban and Al Qaeda, who is also missing. Militants calling themselves Asian Tigers (truly non-Taliban nomenclature if ever there was one) have released videos of the captured former officers and Qureshi, and have threatened to kill the three (beginning with Qureshi) unless certain big-name Taliban commanders recently arrested were not released and a US$10 million ransom not paid by the UK government.

Of course, this is not a situation anyone could ever be happy about, no matter what the irony of seeing Imam and Khwaja in militant custody. And there are also some big questions unanswered: such as, who are the Asian Tigers? (In fact, Khwaja's wife has claimed that it is the CIA that has picked up her husband and the others, a claim rubbished by the US).

I have to admit, however, that knowing the shady backgrounds of both Colonel Imam and Khwaja, I am not entirely convinced of this story. Or if you will, there seems to be too much irony in it for it to ring true. I hope my gut instinct is not completely off the mark.

Random Technical Question for Our Readers

It seems blogger is constantly attaching the wrong time to our posts, specifically, an hour above the current time. So what we post at 8pm e.g. shows up as having been posted at 9pm.

I have checked the settings and the everything seems to be in order. The time is set to Pakistan Standard Time (GMT +5) and Karachi time. However, the automatic time shown is wrong in the settings, even though the computer's own clock is fine. Is there some setting we have to tinker with?

Would appreciate some feedback.

Photo Caption of the Day

Here is the APP Photo published on page 4 of today's Dawn (since I couldn't grab the image off Dawn's epaper site, I looked it up on APP's website, where it exists with a digital watermark)...

(Source: Associated Press of Pakistan)

Now, APP of course supplies its own captions as guidelines, which as you can see above, are often prone to mistakes and generally no great shakes. But the APP caption pales in comparison to what Dawn decided to attach to the picture:

"Hyderabad: Some wanton boys pass time in this government girls primary school abandoned by the authorities for reasons known to them."

Wanton boys??? As in immoral? Lewd and unchaste? Gratuitously cruel or malicious? Unrestrainedly excessive? Luxuriant or abundant? Undisciplined, spoiled? Note to editor: Please have a dictionary available for sub-editors. And make sure they don't pick the most obsolete meanings (rebellious, frolicsome) to use in the paper. (On the other hand, I guess we should thank the heavens for small mercies, at least they didn't call the boys "urchins".)

But what about "abandoned by the authorities for reasons known to them"? Take another look at the "school." Is it really all that hard to figure out why the place is 'abandoned'? I know what the sub-editor's probably thinking: 'Okay, so it has no roof, no windows, no doors, no floor and has huge piles of concrete debris lying around, but it does have a blackboard!' And you can't argue with such formidable intellect.

And Now What?

Just finished watching the media presentation by the UN Commission investigating Benazir Bhutto's assassination. While we will have to wait to hear the details of the full report and assess them, my overwhelming feeling about the summary presented by the head of the commission was:

This is what we paid US$20 million for???

Basically, what the Chilean ambassador who headed the commission said was that the commission was "disturbed" by things all of us already knew and were disturbed by - the ineffective security provided to Benazir in the face of credible threats to her life, and the farcical investigation into the causes and the masterminds behind her death.

It basically details all those things people have been talking about for the last two years - why was there no proper security plan, why was a crowd allowed to gather around her vehicle as she exited Liaquat Bagh, why was she allowed to stand up out of her bulletproof car, why was her backup vehicle not where it should have been to rush her to hospital, why was no autopsy performed on her, why was the crime site hosed down within two hours resulting in a loss of forensic evidence etc - without giving any conclusions about them. The only thing that seems new is that the report, apparently, dismisses the rumours that Benazir died from gunshot wounds or that Zardari was somehow involved.

Meanwhile, Geo took it upon itself to ascribe blame, which the report apparently has not, and continued to run with a Breaking News Alert that the report had held the Musharraf government responsible for Benazir's death. "Benazir Bhutto Ki Maut Ki Zimmedaar Musharraf Hakoomat Hai - UN Report" (Musharraf Government Responsible for Benazir Bhutto's Death - UN Report). This it began doing even before the presentation, basing its claims on a misunderstanding of what its own correspondent at the UN was reading out in English - within a minute of receiving a copy of the report - from the rather substantial report.

From what I was able to gather from the presentation, the report actually blames the Musharraf government (as well as the PPP - which in this case means Rehman Malik who was in charge of Benazir's security from the PPP side) for not ensuring the security of Benazir and for not conducting a proper investigation afterwards. It leaves all inferences about these things up to the readers.

That is vastly different from Geo's claims that the Musharraf government directly caused her death, which is what most people reading the alert will understand from it. Grossly irresponsible.

More later.

Following the Line - Corrected

I had begun writing a post about the strange suppression in the Pakistani media - print and television - of the news about the killing of, apparently, over 70 civilians in Tirah Valley by military bombardment. But I have just noticed that Five Rupees has already done a good post on this very topic. So you should go and read it.

However, a couple of things need to be corrected in the Five Rupees post. The original news, of the killing of villagers in the Kukikhel-dominated tribal area was actually carried by most Pakistani papers. The air force bombardment happened on Saturday, 10 April. The reports appeared in the papers on Sunday, 11 April. Here's Dawn's report, and here is The News' report. The reports also questioned the initial army claims that all those killed were militants. What since happened, however, is that the story disappeared, certainly off the front or back pages of both Dawn and The News and certainly on the electronic media. This was all the more surprising since the big news from yesterday was the announcement by the government of compensation to those killed and wounded, an almost-admission that non-combatants had been killed in the air strikes. (Officially, the government maintained that the compensation had been set aside to be paid, in case investigation of the case revealed innocent civilians had been killed).

Incidentally, The News' website also has a report today of the announcement of the compensation, a story that was not carried in the print edition of at least the Karachi paper (it may have appeared in the Pindi edition). The Nation too carried an AFP report but buried it deep inside. The only paper I came across to have followed up the developing story prominently today was the Express Tribune which had the story on its back page. Given the magnitude of the story, this is indeed shocking and inexplicable by journalistic standards and can only lead to a conclusion that the media has either buckled under external pressure or self-censored itself. As Five Rupees points out, BBC Urdu for its part had given the required prominence to the story and, in fact, led with it on Tuesday's evening Sairbeen bulletin.

What was clear from the BBC Urdu radio bulletin was also that a concerted effort was being made to keep the media from reporting on the story. As it is journalists' access to the remote Tirah Valley (or any conflict zone) is almost non-existent. But BBC's Dilawar Khan Wazir was, in fact, stopped from speaking even to the wounded brought into Peshawar's Hayatabad hospital and even the relatives interviewed seemed too hesitant to talk openly.

But all that seems to have changed this evening. Suddenly, Kamran Khan on Geo's flagship current affairs programme reversed Geo's seeming policy of ignoring the story, pointed out that a very apologetic Governor Owais Ghani had admitted that a tragic mistake had been made, and was even provided access to film and speak to the wounded.




Why this change of heart? For that, you may want to listen to Rahimullah Yusufzai's summation at the end of the clip above and read the Five Rupees post's last para again:

"...there's good ways to fight an insurgency and bad ways to fight an insurgency, and killing 70 innocent civilians who were on your side actually fighting the other side is definitely in the latter category."

Obviously the army / government has come to the conclusion that ham-handed attempts to cover up an obviously major mistake is not going to be fruitful and may, in fact, alienate the very people it needs on its side. It may be recalled that while Tirah has indeed become a haven for militants such as those of Mangal Bagh's Lashkar-e-Islam and Ansar-ul-Islam (a kidnapped Sikh was beheaded in the region in February), the area bombed on Saturday was home to the Kukikhel tribe, which has been supportive of the army against the militants and many of whose men serve in the army or paramilitary forces.

The tragic incident still has the potential to blow up in the government's / military's face. I have never been a fan of media sensationalism such as we saw initially in Swat or in the Lal Masjid episode. But it would be in the Pakistani media's interests not to be seen as standing too close to power.



: : : CORRECTION : : :

A commenter has rightly pointed out that I did not take into consideration Dawn's hard-hitting editorial on the strikes, which is absolutely correct. The editorial appeared on Tuesday, 13 April and I obviously missed it. It may still not explain why the subsequent news about the announcement of compensation was left out of Wednesday's paper but, obviously, Dawn did NOT ignore the story as I had earlier stated, and in fact, wrote pretty much what I and Five Rupees wrote later in our posts about the implications of such a strike. My sincerest apologies to Dawn.

Today's Express Tribune also carries a strong editorial on the issue. However, since Dawn's editorial actually appeared two days earlier, am reproducing it below:

Khyber air strikes

Dawn Editorial, Tuesday 13 April 2010

"SATURDAY’S bombings in Khyber Agency have shocked the nation and an official apology is in order, not just from the civilian administration but also the armed forces. It is clear from eyewitness accounts that the 60 or so people killed in aerial bombardments in Sra Vela were innocent tribesmen with no links to the militancy wracking the tribal belt. Even as the military establishment denied that civilians had been killed, it was reported that the victims would receive significant monetary compensation in addition to food supplies. In effect, it has been acknowledged that a huge blunder was made, one that has scarred the lives of dozens of families. The incident reflects poorly on the security apparatus’s intelligence-gathering capacity and has the potential to erode the support the government currently enjoys in its battle against Taliban-inspired militancy. A bomb dropped on the house of a serving army soldier was followed by another even more devastating attack when area residents rushed to the scene. Such actions defy description and an explanation is in order from those who ordered the assault.

It was realised quite some time ago that avoiding ‘collateral damage’ is a key factor when it comes to winning hearts and minds. This cannot be achieved when people who are most directly affected by the savagery of the Taliban also come under unintentional attack from the state. True, US drone strikes have become more precise in recent months, leading to fewer civilian casualties. Also, the military’s decision to confront the militants head-on by putting more boots on the ground has to some extent reduced the collateral damage caused by long-distance artillery assaults. But Saturday’s incident in Khyber Agency shows that dangerous intelligence gaps persist and that these need to be rectified forthwith. Damage control alone cannot suffice.

As we said at the outset, any repeat of the Sra Vela tragedy can undermine the fight against militancy. The heartbreak caused by such attacks strengthens the hands of the Taliban who want public opinion to turn against the state. Considerable gains have been made in recent months with the military going on the offensive and tribesmen raising their own antiTaliban fighting units. A reversal of fortunes is simply unaffordable. Then there are several ‘conservative’ and outright extremist players in the political arena who have much in common with the Taliban and want to see an end to the military operation. Civilian casualties in the battle arena give them more vitriol with which to embellish claims that this is America’s war, not Pakistan’s. They must be denied the chance to add fuel to the fire."

Will The Real Comic Please Stand Up?

I like Shazia Mirza. I do. First she travels all the way to Pakistan to entertain us with live shows at LUMS and T2F. Then she travels all the way home to Ye Olde England to entertain us with her take on them. A take which, for those who happened to be present at either, doesn’t present her as a wit as much as it does a half wit. Then again, what is comedy these days if not a playing coshing of the truth while it whimpers gently and wraps its arms protectively around its head?

Shazia Mirza: striking a pose for Ye Olde England

Ms. Mirza begins by recounting the strange case of what allegedly happened to her at a Pakistani airport. Someone asked her for a bribe. This is not going to be a shock to anybody who has ever traveled to a third world country in something other than a coffin. What is shocking is that she forks over $100, thereby drastically increasing the going rate and setting an unholy precedent for any number of corrupt immigration officials in sketchy airports across the globe.


If that isn’t enough to make the rest of us angry, consider this…

"My first performance took place at the Lahore University of Management Sciences (Lums). The audience was made up mainly of lecturers and students, and as I arrived I was told: "Don't worry about performing – we've stepped up security because people knew you were coming.""

First of all, I’d like to humbly request the lecturers and students at the Lahore University of Management Sciences to stop fucking with their guests.

"The fact that there needed to be security at all to tell jokes indicated danger. Pakistan is a sexually repressed country and that is the root of many of its problems."

Second, I’d like to suggest to Ms. Mirza that security is not also always equal to danger. In Pakistan security is often equal to privilege. As in, a sign of privilege. As in, to demonstrate that whatever is being ‘secured’ has a lot of money to throw around. Some people would have security guards in the crapper with them at all times if they could, maybe even swirling down the drain with the turd if necessary, so that when they lose a hand at that night’s poker game they can say ‘Oh yeah? Well I don’t care because I have so much money my shit has its own security detail’. My final word to Ms. Mirza on the issue of security in Pakistan is that these days most violent crime is actually committed by security guards.


Then we move on to her claim that Pakistan is a sexually repressed country, and therein lies the root of many of its problems. This is an interesting hypothesis, and doubtless the foundation of many a thesis project on gender studies by earnest young Pakistani women who aren’t getting any at home.


Unfortunately, if it were true, countries that aren’t sexually repressed wouldn’t have problems, and leaders of nations that are fine with a bit of skirt for breakfast or the dance of the two-headed beast in public wouldn’t need to export their legions of horny young men to far climes to get off on acts of gratuitous violence.


In fact, if I might just run with this, the most evolved country in the world right now is probably Finland, which has a record number of female parliamentarians, a gay prime minister, and has just banned strip clubs. So the answer to our problems my brothers and sisters – and you may indeed quote me in your thesis papers – might not be more sex but more lesbian sex.

"The last time I performed in Lahore I was told: "You can talk about anything you like – religion, politics, drugs, you can swear and curse, just don't mention 'The Sex'." Any sexual words or connotations were banned – because in Pakistan there is no mention of sex on television, radio, or in public."

Now this is where things get really dodgy for me. Which Pakistan is it that Ms. Mirza visited exactly? The Pakistan where you put your head into a bucket of stereotypes and bob for the most worm-ridden apples? Or the Pakistan where mucho copulation has led to mucho population, where wall chalkings offer phone numbers, texts direct you to ‘a good time’, film songs find new and disturbing ways to push the boundaries of vulgarity and there is a record number of accidents on a bridge in Lahore when a billboard of Neha licking a Magnum is, um, erected?

Neha at home

Ms. Mirza then went on...

“to perform two hours away in Karachi. The audience consisted of young people, old people, women in burqas and groups of men – all sitting on the floor together. The doors were locked as soon as all the audience were in, and once again armed security guards stood outside.”

Interesting. Yes the doors were locked (so as the performance would not be disturbed by people trying to come in when there was no more space), and I saw two women in burqas – in an audience of 300 people – but I completely missed the security guards. Could it be that my jaded Pakistani eyes are so used to the sight of overgrown eagle scouts that I don’t notice them anymore? Or could it be that Ms. Mirza is unable to tell the difference between a guard and a valet? (Note to Ms. Mirza: the first has a rifle/the second a gun/the first is for shooting/the other for fun.)

"On arrival I was told by the organizer: "The Pakistani Taliban are infiltrating down to the outskirts of Karachi now, so be careful with what you say. It's best not to talk about religion, or sex, and don't mention the word "gay"." Why? "Because gay doesn't exist in Pakistan," she explained. Pakistan believes it has freedom of speech, but the only freedom you have is to comply with the speech they want to hear. She continued: "There is a law against making any jokes about President Zardari. You cannot make any jokes about him in public and you are not allowed to text any jokes to your friends about him, otherwise you will be put in prison.""

I would now like to humbly request the staff and owners of T2F to stop fucking with their guests.

"When you tell a comedian not to do something, well. I made a joke about President Zardari. The audience loved it. They laughed like they had never laughed before."

Actually, I think we laughed a lot harder when he first tried to get us to stop making jokes about him.

"All the things the audience laughed at are the things they are most repressed about. Jokes about sex, religion and politics got the most laughter."

They did. But then again Ms. Mirza didn’t really make jokes about anything else. And there were some real zingers in there too. Such as:

'Extremists are told that when they get to heaven they’ll get 72 virgins. Have they ever thought about what a woman who remains a virgin her entire life probably looks like? Do you really want to go to heaven and have sex with 72 hairy bitches?'

Or:

'Why do fundamentalists have to say ‘you will burn in hell? Is ‘burn’ really necessary? What else are you going to do in hell but burn?'

She also did a great riff on anal sex. Which I personally do not think is funny.

"After the show I was invited to a party. I walked in, to be offered a joint of marijuana, followed by a joint of opium, followed by vodka and then a discussion on porn. I was asked: "What's your favorite porn film?" I have never watched porn. I tried to lie but I couldn't think of a porn movie, so I told the truth: I've never watched porn. This was met with "You've never watched porn? Let us show you some!" A collection of 600 films was pulled out from behind the bookcase. I was then offered a male Russian hooker for the night."

At this point, the people of Pakistan are probably asking themselves two questions. 1) Why the hell wasn’t I invited to that party? 2) If a male Russian hooker goes down on you in a forest do you make a sound?


Ms. Mirza ended her opinion piece by stapling once again onto our foreheads a label reading ‘the hypocrisy of a sexually repressed, censored society’, a label that no sane Pakistani would seriously argue with. How she came to that conclusion after two evenings in the company of people who are probably anything but, I don’t know, but as a writer I can completely empathize with her need to translate experience into material. For those who are offended by it, try to remember that she also sacrificed her mother.

‘My mother is a real namazi. She doesn’t pray five times a day. She prays twenty times a day. My problem with that is, the other day she said her prayers and then ripped the rickshaw driver off.’

As I said in the beginning, I like Shazia Mirza. I do. She can come back and poke fun at us anytime she likes as far as I’m concerned. And this time we’ll make sure those uniformed men are posted inside the bedroom instead of outside, and she won’t have to worry about the extremist she’ll have to have sex with when she gets to heaven.